Humor

The Great Derrière Expansion of 2019/2020 (Can You Spare a Square?)

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     I thought I was ready for this pandemic. It was a nice thought while it lasted (about 20 seconds). I checked  on my supplies and  created a list of a few items that I needed. 

Item                                                Quantity                                     State

Soup                                    2 packets of onion soup.       Probably need soup
                                                 I’m sure they’re old but
                                                 its soup for christ sakes.                                  

Milk                                         1/2 quart of milk.                            Need Milk.

Toilet Paper                               Seven rolls.                                    Plenty.

A couple of thoughts came to mind.

1) I Shouldn’t have shaved the beard. It was a good source of leftovers.
2) I seemed to have seen a story about toilet paper (TP). Something about a shortage?

     I double checked my trusty internet sources and yes I had to stifle a grin as I wrote this. Low and behold there were several hundred stories about stores out  of all TP.  Yes,  every single roll of TP on store shelves. I am not sure if facial tissue, napkins and paper towels were part of the collateral damage.

What are people doing with all of the toilet paper?

     I was perplexed. Why were people buying TP in quantities befitting the US First Infantry Division (Big Red One)? The last I heard the Big Red One was stationed in Ft Riley Kansas.
I’m pretty sure if they were buying up TP they would clean out the stock of Kansas stores and not those of neighboring states.

     “What we are dealing with here is uncharted.” Thats the last thing I want to hear from a toilet paper manufacturer but that’s what we heard from toilet paper manufacturers this past week.

Unchartered  sounds like they got lost on the way to Charmin Island.

     I can see why they were at a loss. They probably have metrics associated with the average American derrier size, the average American diet (fiber and so forth) and the number of average American meals consumed in a 24 hour period.

    They kept recalculating their numbers and offering alternate theories but  could only come up with one good explanation, hoarding.

I have an alternate theory (read a more amusing one). I believe the size of the average American derrier has tripled since Christmas. The cause of course is the consumption of massive amounts of food and drink during the holidays. 

Excluding the derrier expansion theory, there is no way an average healthy individual could actually use the entire TP stock of a store in three weeks time (the current lockdown time in Boulder).

I had to admit the hoarding theory was the only reason that made sense.

So back to my inventory. Did I have enought TP?

I double checked my current stock and I had 7 rolls not including the two currently deployed in the bathrooms. Yes, I am healthy and my derrier is not that big (TMI?). 

My TP supply is just fine and that’s a good thing.  The stores seem to be going through it like poop through a goose.

 I have only one parting thought for those hoarding toilet paper. Actually, I have many more thoughts but I need to work on my vocabulary. It does not include enough synonyms for assHat. I try to avoid being repetitive in my writing.

For the few who actually use a biblical* amount of TP in 3 weeks may I suggest less fiber and more cheese.
*By biblical amount, I mean enough for 40 days and 40 nights.

Authors Note: During this state of emergency no Purel has been hoarded. Of course there is none on the shelves to be hoarded but that’s beside the point. The point being is that “I” do not hoard Purel. I make my own.

Additional Authors Note: I am aware of the seriousness of this pandemic.
It has taken much of  my daily energy  to keep my head together.
I end up meditating several times during the day, every day.
I believe that exercising one’s humor is a key line of defense. 

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” –Mark Twain

Humor

Read it again Saturday(RAS)

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You’ve heard of TBT , Throw Back Thursday, or Tuesday, whatever floats your boat. Never heard of RAS , Read It Again Saturday.

Well that’s because I made it up. I’m a rebel. I follow my own rules. I march to the beat of a different drummer. Some say my drummer can’t keep a beat. I say some people can’t hear with rhythm.

I am instituting RAS to bring back your favorite posts, and by favorite I mean no-one ever told me they sucked. If you haven’t read them now here’s your chance to fill a void in your life or at least kill a few minutes while you’re waiting for the commercial break to end.

Excuse me while I go thumb my nose at a drink by date on a milk carton.

Here you go—>http://thesoundoflaughter.com/dawn-of-the-net-ninnies-following-good-seo-practices/

Humor

Got Milk, Any Milk?

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Banana Milk .

It sounded good to me. I love bananas. I love them plain I do or with some ice cream, just a scoop or two.

Let’s stop this Seuss train before the good Dr.’s estate decides to serve me, not with a treat  but a suit of the costly variety. 

Sorry, I just can’t quit.

Milk Alternatives

I recently read that dairy farmers were losing market share to “milk alternatives”.

“Johnson. Tell me about this great product idea you have.”

“Well sir I think the world of milk alternatives is something we should get into.”

“I’m still listening.”

“Well sir, we soak some stuff in water, we take out the stuff and the remaining liquid we call “Whatever stuff we used Milk.” The pitch needs to be polished up a bit but you get the picture.”

“Sounds promising but we’ll leave the promotion part to the advertising section.”

They are now making milk out of just about every food item not usually associated with dairy products. My local grocery store offers a cornucopia of “milk” types. Almond, coconut, soy, banana, cashew, macadamia, hemp* and quinoa are all food items that have been “milk-a-fied .” To be fair, coconut milk has been around forever. Almond and soy milk are a close second.

My first exposure to the  idea of coconut milk was introduced to my lexicon during the 60s (1960s) by Giligans Island.  I’m sure it had been depicted in other artistic forms before that , musicals and the stage, but for a smaller audience.

The island displayed a myriad of uses for the coconut, many of them purely fantastic. I do admit though the concept of a coconut radio intrigued me at a young age.

Banana milk sounded tasty. The promise of a tall glass of cold liquid banana sells itself. Who doesn’t like bananas? The mighty banana can go toe to toe with any fruit to accompany any meal whether its breakfast, lunch, dinner or that sneaky 2 am snack. 

Gilligan’s Island was overstocked with bananas. I was going to try it.  How could I go wrong?

 I’ll tell you how. Concoct a liquid that somehow captures the essence of gutter water topped off with a not yet ripe banana peel and shake enough to generate a froth like substance. You could also throw it in a blender. Spoiler alert:  It’s the same nauseous result.

Everything looks tasty when accompanied by a good froth. Unfortunately in this case looks are deceiving. 

To be honest up until now the only milk alternative I had consumed was almond milk and that was an attempt to rule out dairy products as the reason for a multitude of sinus issues. It wasn’t too bad with cereal if the cereal was chocolate frosted sugar bombs. My sinus problems continued to march onward.

If you are trying to limit the amount of fat in your diet, I think almond milk might be an alternative to cream in a White Russian cocktail. Someone try it out and let me know how it was.

Once you open the cocktail bar you could probably find quite a few recipes where almond milk might make a healthier choice with the alcohol making it tolerable. Go ahead and try a few and let me know what you thought of them. I am trying to lead a healthy life style but I’m not a first adopter. 

The other “milk” types while sounding interesting are not enticing enough for me to try.

At best I could probably tolerate a few but life is too short to just “tolerate” anything I consume. I think the alternate milk craze is here to stay for a while or at least until some new milk alternative takes on a light shade of blue ** and the marketing department can’t sell the public that blue means it’s wholesome.

*Stoner Alert:Legally grown hemp does not have a significant amount of THC to alter any sense but taste. 

**Blue seems to be a popular color for a beverage in the future. See Star Wars (the first movie), Star Trek TOS (The Original Series ) Silent Running to name a few.

Just following good SEO here. Back to where it all begins.

Humor, zombie

The zombie apocalypse is getting to be so Passe

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Is the zombie trend waning? Before I go any further I should clarify my position in regards to zombies. I have nothing against them personally. If you are one there is nothing wrong with that but I am prone to be contrarian when it comes to pop culture. 

I would not label myself a hipster. That would imply I’m on the forefront of a trend. I’m usually on the back end and I have no intent in joining.

Case in point; The movie “Urban Cowboy” came out in the early eighties , yes 1980’s, and it made it chic to dress like a cowboy. I laughed and said hell no.

It’s not that I have a problem with Cowboys, I don’t. I am however allergic to posers of any variety.

Wearing spurs when there are no horses within a hundred miles should get you nominated for poser of the year at best or severely lost.

When an item in pop culture starts trending upward*, I turn my back on it because every one is doing It. Yes Mom I listened to you when you said, “If everyone jumped off a bridge would you?” Of course my thought at the time was “It depends on what is behind us.” I kept that to myself. Why insult the judge when she’s about to hand down her sentence.

Which brings me back to the zombie apocalypse. How can such a one dimensional creature hold anyones attention for longer than 10 minutes let alone 10 television seasons.

One reason that I find them boring is there doesn’t seem to be any variety in zombie types. The only type is redundantly labeled. “Flesh Eating Zombie.”

 Are there any other kind? I mean if you had a choice wouldn’t you want to be more specific like a Filet Mignon eating zombie. Which leads me to my next question.

 Are vegetarians immune from zombie-ism or are they fine with soy based brain foods?

The typology could be expanded out a bit by adding some pairing preferences. There could be a group we call flesh eating with a nice Chianti variety.

The typology could further be sorted based on a preferred desert. “…..but she’s no ordinary Zombie with a penchant for Chianti she also enjoys warm chocolate chip cookies for desert.”

Yes I have simple needs but I’m a guy so that’s redundant.

The main habitats of zombies as currently presented are of two locations. The first is the rural domain. The second is the urban landscape.

It wasn’t until recently that zombies began to populate the suburbs. Why is it that? They certainly would blend in nicely and you would be forced to follow them at lunchtime to be able to tell the difference.

I expect that sooner or later Zombies will have to evolve ( or is it devolve?) for the franchise to survive.

*music genre, television genre , book genre, movies based on super heroes

Football, Humor

Searching for Norman Einstein

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“A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein” –Joe Theismann*

Tripping the TV fantastic with my remote one Sunday, I stumbled upon former San Francisco Quarterback (QB) Steve Young giving his two cent review of a particular quarterbacks performance.

To be honest it was really only worth .015 cents correcting for inflation and the fact that Steve left the game due to too many concussions.

I don’t recall  which QB he was reviewing because I was triggered after I heard him utter the words “engineering work” to describe the hard part of a QB’s job, reading defenses.

That statement is an insult to engineers. It is the same type of insult when someone labels  an athletes performance as brilliant or genius. It is fun to watch the graceful , powerful performance of an elite athlete. Notice how the words brilliant and genius did not arise in that sentence and yet the statement is more accurate and poetic than any reference distilled down to adjectives associated with IQ.

Playing quarterback, or any role in sports does not require knowledge of rocket science. I know, I spent a career working with real rocket scientists. Yea they’re wicked smart.

In general I am fairly certain no one would pay to watch a rocket scientist play quarterback and I sure don’t want to be near the launch pad of a rocket “engineered “ by QBs. 

Even though he got Alberts name wrong, Joe Theismann would agree.

For the sake of humanity let’s all argree to stay in our lanes.

*(Former Washington QB )Joe Theismann’s full quote: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Other football related posts:http://thesoundoflaughter.com/the-epic-saga-of-the-armchair-quarterback/

Humor

No Cash in Heaven

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It was a sunshiny morning when Herbert reported for duty at
the welcoming desk.

It’s always a bright sunshiny morning here because it’s heaven. It really messes up the circadian rhythm of the new arrivals.

St.Peter was taking leave again so Hubert had to fill in at the welcoming desk.

It seems that St Peter has managed to create an afterlife. Herbert lost track of the number of times he filled in for St. Peter.

Being as this was heaven he was chill with it. It was all good.

Each time he covered for St. Peter there was always a new situation he had to deal with.

“Im Fred so and so and I am worth $xxx  . I just bumped  number  #9 in the list of richest dead people so what  does that get me?

“Excuse me?”

“Do I get a preferred cloud on the fifty yard line or what?

“We have no football field and not to not be discriminatory we have no
soccer , rugby or cricket pitch.

“An upgrade to a first class cabin?”

“We don’t have cabins.”

“Excuse me I’ll be write back,” he said as he went to talk to God.

…“God , Am I wrong or can dead people not bring their money to heaven with them.”

“No Herb you’re not wrong. Why do you ask?”

“Because some new arrival says he is number 9 on the list of the 10 richest dead people.”

“Oh that would be Fred so and so”.

“Did you memorize that list?”

“Not intentionally but you would be surprised at the number of times that topic occurs in heaven. The arrivals seem to think it makes a difference.“

“Then maybe we should post that at the gates?”

“What and ruin the fun?

“Fun?”

“Oh yes. The look on the face of the rich person is priceless and the glee we get from that is the definition of schadenfreude.”

“Thanks God. Now I need to get back and enjoy some Schadenfreude.”

“Now you’re getting it.”

Humor, Political, satire

Must See Tv

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When the election of 2016 had finished I realized that our president elect was not too far removed from his recent TV gig as a reality show host. I thought, “This will be interesting.”
To say the least that was an understatement.


Our conspiracy friends have an interesting take on the man in question and his reality show tendencies…

The dog days of summer had taken a hold of Washington DC like a  lobbyist on a politician. There was hardly any breathing room.

A small breeze from a few ceiling fans waltzed across the sweaty faces of three familiar and only occupants of a certain unassuming neighborhood bar on Capitol Hill.

Mr. Panama * was holding court and was about to reveal what he believes  to be the underlying cause of the wild actions of the currant occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 

Well, the recent actions, this past week.

“You’re pausing for effect aren’t you,” asked the bearded man.

“Of course. Could there be any other reason?” asked Mr Panama.

“That or perhaps the brat you just ate did not agree with you,” replied the bearded one.** 

“No, it’s for effect. May I continue?”

The nondescript bar tender and the bearded one replied in unison, “Please get on with it.”

“All right. So back to my theory that would explain the recent hi-jinks of the current leader of the free world.”

“Yes, we’re on the edge of our stools. Please.”

Do you agree the said occupant is not so far removed from being host of the TV reality show “The Apprentice”.

“I  agree,” replied the bearded one.

“I think he always wanted to be a network TV programming director and I believe that is  the model he is using for his presidency,” said Mr. Panama.

“I don’t watch much TV but I heard a rumor to that effect,” replied the bartender.

“Could you explain further,” asked the bearded one.

“I was about to after adding an additional pause for effect.”

“Any more pauses and the only effect you will observe is the sight of us asleep,” replied the bartender.

“I believe the recent activities of our president were examples of pilots of reality shows he and some of his aids plans on developing for the networks.”

“Which aides are you referring to?” asked the bartender.

“There is no point in naming them. Aids in this administration
are like red shirted Star Trek crew members. Their time in the spotlight won’t be long,” replied Mr. Panama.

“So if they are pilots who is the audience,” asked the bearded one.

“The press and whatever polls are being taken at the time.”

“What if the poles are negative,” asked the bartender. 

“He doesn’t mind that so much because what he is looking at is the percentage of respondents having expressed an opinion. The less he sees with “No opinion” the better. If they have an opinion they’re paying attention. He believes they are the ones that would tune into the show(s).”

“So what are the shows he’s pitching,” asked the bartender

Mr Panama replied, “”So you want to buy an Island?” tested out very well.”

“That Greenland story had a lot of people paying attention.”

“But a lot of them were late night comedians,” added the bearded one.

“Doesn’t matter its free publicity.”

“His other pilot program has been going on for a while with no known name but I think they have a name for it now and it’s called “What is our policy today?

It’s inspired by the Mar-a-lago 3.”

“Who,” asked the bearded one.

“Good friends of his that are members of the Mar-a-largo club.

Supposedly they are directing policy for the Veterans Administration,” replied Mr. Panama.

“The show will consist of successful members of Trump’s outer circle of friends suggesting new policies for random Government agencies.”

“Why are they considered successful?” asked the bearded one.

“Duh, they’re all rich. You should know that by now,” responded Mr. Panama.

“That ought to be interesting ,”  said the  bartender.

“They come up with a new policy and then apply it to a random agency.”

“ That doesn’t seem to be a good strategy,” remarked the bearded one.

 “Shouldn’t they craft a strategy for a particular agency,” asked the bartender.

“Probably but it is good television and the president  knows good television.”

“It will be interesting to see how this theory plays out ,” said the bearded one.

“I can’t wait for sweeps week,” added the bartender.

  • Full name Mr. Panama Hat. See my conspiracy series of blog posts.
  • * This character is only known as “The Bearded One” or ” Bearded One.” Again see the above link.
Humor, satire

Fake Historians and the Loss of Luggage During the Revolutionary War.

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The educational institutes of America are failing us.

How else can we explain the national reaction as one of surprise and vacant looks
when our fearless leader praised the colonial army for defending airports during the revolutionary war? 

How could the concept of air power during the birth of a nation be overlooked?

I’ve entertained quite a few explanations as to how this gap in our collective consciousness could have occurred.  Only one explanation makes sense, fake historians.

The only way to counteract fake historians is to develop an alternate history curriculum.

A peek into a classroom using  such a curriculum might look like this:

“Now class lets do some review for the upcoming history exam. I am going to ask some questions that could be on the test. If you think you know the
answer politely raise your hand.”

“How many candles were used to signal the arrival and mode of transport  of the invading British forces?”

“Yes Dianne, how many.”

“Two miss Simpson.”

“That is incorrect. How about you Katie?”

“Three candles mam.”

“Correct and what did they stand for?”

“One if by land, Two if by Sea and Three if by British Airlines courtesy shuttle.”

“Correct Katie. Certainly less romantic than the vision of Mr. Revere atop a muscular steed galloping through the night but much more pragmatic.”

“Why were the solders cold at valley forge?”

“Yes Bobby.”


“Their winter clothes were in their luggage that was lost making a connection at Ohare airport.”

“Correct Bobby.”

“Can anyone tell me about the stamp act?”

“How about you Jason?”

“New History teaches us that the stamp act was British Airways attempt at redefining their frequent flyer program.”

“Correct and how exactly did they redefine that program?”

“Yes Alicia”

“By resetting everyone’s milage to 0 to avoid pay out to a large number of members that had accumulated enough for any awards.”

“Outstanding Alicia.”

“What do we know about the Boston Tea Party?”

“How about you Simon.”

“New History reveals to us that the Boston Tea Party occurred in the British Airways lounge at Logan International Airport when a large group of frequent flyer members stormed the lounge to assert their right to the use of the lounge under the old frequent miles program.

One additional act of civil disobedience was carried out by the patriots. They stole the lounges entire stock of tea. No one knows exactly became of the tea but many historians believe the large amount of tea was personally used by the patriots involved in the occupancy of the lounge. They point to historical records that suggest that the patriots involved with the siege showed signs of severe insomnia.”

“Very good. Class I am impressed. I believe you will do well on the exam. Also, make sure you are not paying attention to any history books you may have from previous  classes.

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