Humor

Hurray for 2021

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Written on the cusp of a new year.
This story brings together characters introduced in previous blog posts. The links to those are referenced upon their first mention.

The pandemic and its accompanying lock-down(s) has worn my sense of humor down to the size of a putt putt pencil. Therefore this post is not full of my usual jocularity. Yea I know.  Can someone who uses the word “jocularity” be very funny?


The fog that seemed to enshroud my mind
is finally giving way to lucid thoughts between periods of confusion and insanity.


When : Last Week
Where : The fertile imagination of the author.

(Hey if he says it’s fertile then it’s fertile. This will go a lot smoother if you just capitulate right now)

Locations: Various sets are littered throughout the authors mind, or is it sets littered with the authors mind? It could go either way at this point.

Location 1: A familiar but empty pub on Capitol Hill.

A few specters, male in form, briefly occupy the pub. They are accompanied by a few feeble voices having a conversation debating the propriety and danger of governing predicated upon conspiracy theories.


“But our conspiracy theories were for fun and no one took them seriously, ” Said the bearded man.

“I agree. No one ever died over a penny, millions of pennies maybe but never a penny,” replied Mr. Panama.

The nondescript bartender chimed in, “There have always been conspiracy theories and people that believe them.”

“True, but what if the world was on the same party line.”

“What do you mean by party line?”

“That is what the internet has become for those who people have said are “great thinkers.” (The phrase”Great thinkers “brought to you by the noun sarcasm.)

“Hurray for 2021“

The sound of static is heard as the pub disappears and fuzzy visions of toys come into focus.

“So remind me again why we are quarantined,” asked Yo.

“Because some kids in the shelter tested positive for COVID,” replied Xena.

“Yea but we can’t die from it. You said it yourself,” replied Yo.

“No we can’t but we can be carriers.”


“Well yea but the children probably won’t die.”

“Rather cavalier of you. What if they were your kids or your parents?”

“Yea, that’s bad. I see your point.”

“Hurray for 2021.“

Location 2: The Pearly Gates.


Both Herbert and St. Peter are working at the welcome desk and each are manning their own line. The pandemic has been hell on heaven. Hell is no picnic either but Hell is always hell.

Herbert paused before servicing the next arrival.
“I wish people would wear their damn masks.”A glare from Peter forced an apology from Herbert.
“I’m sorry St. Pete.”

“Have I mentioned that I prefer Peter.”

“Um, yes sir.”

” I will let the “damn” go for now because these are difficult times. People not wearing their damn masks is not helping.”

People, just wear your damn masks.


“Hurray for 2021.” Alright we get it. The author is glad 2021 is here.


If you missed the character links

Mr. Panama, The bearded one and the nondescript bartender were introduced in an earlier blog posting [https://thesoundoflaughter.wordpress.com/2016/02/21/the-art-of-the-conspiracy/]


Yo and Xena were introduced in this posting.
[https://thesoundoflaughter.wordpress.com/2013/12/11/black-friday-a-different-perspective/]


Herbert was introduced in this posting.
[http://thesoundoflaughter.com/its-that-season-already/]










Humor

I’m as Sane as Ever

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Note : Mental Health is not a subject to be made fun of unless it’s mine. My family constantly suggest that I may have issues in that realm. Not all of my personalities agree.

Shelter In Place(SIP) order given: March 26 2020.

Now for some me time.

Day 10 of sheltering in place(SIP):
Having spent a lot of time with myself lately, I remember why I don’t like hanging out with me.

Day 12 of SIP:
They started coming out today. I knew they would. It was just a matter of time before the stark bareness of SIP life would force internal conflicts to fracture into separate personifications. Fortunately none of my personalities have any violent intentions but I really wish they would pick up after themselves. I am not their full time maid.

Day 14 :
The personalities have started venturing out and hooking up with the appliances. This is not usually a problem but lately the appliances are starting to talk back. Soon they will start breaking off into cliques. Fortunately the appliances I use the most frequently have taken my side, or one of my sides, in the whole sorted affair. I try to not think about which side it is. That thought could drive me nuts.

I consider this fortunate because I would have a hard time adjusting without my coffee maker, dishwasher and my microwave. One good thing is that toilets are not considered appliances by any of the cliques.
Don’t spread this around but I think they have no interest at all with the commodes (the commodes politely told me they don’t like the toilet moniker). Keep that close to the vest.

Day 16:
At this point, there is no animosity among the groups but I fear that it won’t be long until they go all “Lord of The Flies” on me. The recent addition of a sewing machine was not a good decision. I now have nightmares featuring the sewing machine stitching me to the ground Lilliputian style.

Day ? Time doesn’t mean anything at this point:

I need to keep alert. I nodded off for a few minutes and when I woke up my toaster oven appeared to have moved closer to me. In hind site, I should have made more use of the ones that can easily harm me, like the toaster oven.

Due to its recent arrival, the sewing machine and I have no relationship so the Lilliputian nightmares have become more detailed. This forced me to confront the possible pain of needles to various parts of my anatomy, ouch.

Day ? (whatever). New Development:

My appliances, my personalities and I have called a truce. The personalities will no longer encourage the appliances to attack me. Therefore, I’ve promised not to cut the power.

Ten weeks of quarantine and I’m as sane as ever.

Humor, Pandemic

Lock Down 2020(Dans Log)

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I am now journaling daily. It’s an attempt to document the screwed up times we are living in, i.e. lock down. I would also be lying if I said it was not a coping mechanism. What follows is an excerpt.

05/01/2020
I feel like my time in lock down has been forever and that time outside of my condo1 continues to march on as I languish within.
Will post lock down greet us with an inoculation for COVID-19?
If I choose to be reckless and venture out doors is my cell frozen at March 25, 2020, BC 2 or does it catch up to current time? Personally the way things are going I may want to skip straight to 2021. Actually, I think 2022 is the safer bet.

05/03/2020
Because I live in Boulder, a blip in the time space continuum would not be out of the question. Actually, we have had in influx of what appears to be normal people in Longmont and some bleed out into Boulder. The odds of the existence of a time and space discontinuity is now negligible.

Up to this point, everything I had originally written in this log is intact. The rest of this post is from scratch. I believe the former was amusing in an “old guy get off my lawn” way but not needed right now.

My outlook for the remainder of the month is one of hope.
I hope people will be more cautious if and when they do go outside.
I’ve been wearing a mask when ever I go out because there is a high probability I’ll run into someone who is convinced they are immune. As human beings, sometimes we can be “dumb, panicky dangerous animals” (Men In Black 1997).

I hope spraying a disinfectant around me is not considered by law an assault on those less than 6 feet (1.83 meters) away.

I hope everyone makes it to 2022 unscathed.

I hope more people see this as a time to unite 3 .
We’ve already proven that we know how divide and I’m not talking about Math.
Sadly, we are excellent at it. We need to work on a different skill. The skill of coming together.

Humor

Pandemic: This too shall pass.

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Life at the moment feels rather tenuous. This too shall pass.
Photos published during the pandemic  show stark empty cities resembling scenes from a Twilight Zone episode.  I believe  that most people are getting the message.

In my heart of hearts, I know that we will be done with this in the not too distant future.

The pandemic will reach a crescendo.

We will frolic in the sun once again.

That may have been the first time I have used the word frolic, ever.  I’ve only seen the word used in conjunction with children and animals. After the pandemic, I am damn sure that my activities will be described as frolicking.

I will frolic my way to the store.

I will frolic while hiking the many trails of this awesome state.

I am going to frolic so damn much just watching me will be considered frolicking.

The coronavirus will not die out altogether, so say the experts.
We will have to remain cautious and that’s fine. Cautious is a good adjective to be applied to life after a pandemic.

I can frolic with caution. It’s still frolicking.

Humor

The Great Derrière Expansion of 2019/2020 (Can You Spare a Square?)

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     I thought I was ready for this pandemic. It was a nice thought while it lasted (about 20 seconds). I checked  on my supplies and  created a list of a few items that I needed. 

Item                                                Quantity                                     State

Soup                                    2 packets of onion soup.       Probably need soup
                                                 I’m sure they’re old but
                                                 its soup for christ sakes.                                  

Milk                                         1/2 quart of milk.                            Need Milk.

Toilet Paper                               Seven rolls.                                    Plenty.

A couple of thoughts came to mind.

1) I Shouldn’t have shaved the beard. It was a good source of leftovers.
2) I seemed to have seen a story about toilet paper (TP). Something about a shortage?

     I double checked my trusty internet sources and yes I had to stifle a grin as I wrote this. Low and behold there were several hundred stories about stores out  of all TP.  Yes,  every single roll of TP on store shelves. I am not sure if facial tissue, napkins and paper towels were part of the collateral damage.

What are people doing with all of the toilet paper?

     I was perplexed. Why were people buying TP in quantities befitting the US First Infantry Division (Big Red One)? The last I heard the Big Red One was stationed in Ft Riley Kansas.
I’m pretty sure if they were buying up TP they would clean out the stock of Kansas stores and not those of neighboring states.

     “What we are dealing with here is uncharted.” Thats the last thing I want to hear from a toilet paper manufacturer but that’s what we heard from toilet paper manufacturers this past week.

Unchartered  sounds like they got lost on the way to Charmin Island.

     I can see why they were at a loss. They probably have metrics associated with the average American derrier size, the average American diet (fiber and so forth) and the number of average American meals consumed in a 24 hour period.

    They kept recalculating their numbers and offering alternate theories but  could only come up with one good explanation, hoarding.

I have an alternate theory (read a more amusing one). I believe the size of the average American derrier has tripled since Christmas. The cause of course is the consumption of massive amounts of food and drink during the holidays. 

Excluding the derrier expansion theory, there is no way an average healthy individual could actually use the entire TP stock of a store in three weeks time (the current lockdown time in Boulder).

I had to admit the hoarding theory was the only reason that made sense.

So back to my inventory. Did I have enought TP?

I double checked my current stock and I had 7 rolls not including the two currently deployed in the bathrooms. Yes, I am healthy and my derrier is not that big (TMI?). 

My TP supply is just fine and that’s a good thing.  The stores seem to be going through it like poop through a goose.

 I have only one parting thought for those hoarding toilet paper. Actually, I have many more thoughts but I need to work on my vocabulary. It does not include enough synonyms for assHat. I try to avoid being repetitive in my writing.

For the few who actually use a biblical* amount of TP in 3 weeks may I suggest less fiber and more cheese.
*By biblical amount, I mean enough for 40 days and 40 nights.

Authors Note: During this state of emergency no Purel has been hoarded. Of course there is none on the shelves to be hoarded but that’s beside the point. The point being is that “I” do not hoard Purel. I make my own.

Additional Authors Note: I am aware of the seriousness of this pandemic.
It has taken much of  my daily energy  to keep my head together.
I end up meditating several times during the day, every day.
I believe that exercising one’s humor is a key line of defense. 

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” –Mark Twain

Humor

Read it again Saturday(RAS)

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You’ve heard of TBT , Throw Back Thursday, or Tuesday, whatever floats your boat. Never heard of RAS , Read It Again Saturday.

Well that’s because I made it up. I’m a rebel. I follow my own rules. I march to the beat of a different drummer. Some say my drummer can’t keep a beat. I say some people can’t hear with rhythm.

I am instituting RAS to bring back your favorite posts, and by favorite I mean no-one ever told me they sucked. If you haven’t read them now here’s your chance to fill a void in your life or at least kill a few minutes while you’re waiting for the commercial break to end.

Excuse me while I go thumb my nose at a drink by date on a milk carton.

Here you go—>http://thesoundoflaughter.com/dawn-of-the-net-ninnies-following-good-seo-practices/

Humor

Got Milk, Any Milk?

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Banana Milk .

It sounded good to me. I love bananas. I love them plain I do or with some ice cream, just a scoop or two.

Let’s stop this Seuss train before the good Dr.’s estate decides to serve me, not with a treat  but a suit of the costly variety. 

Sorry, I just can’t quit.

Milk Alternatives

I recently read that dairy farmers were losing market share to “milk alternatives”.

“Johnson. Tell me about this great product idea you have.”

“Well sir I think the world of milk alternatives is something we should get into.”

“I’m still listening.”

“Well sir, we soak some stuff in water, we take out the stuff and the remaining liquid we call “Whatever stuff we used Milk.” The pitch needs to be polished up a bit but you get the picture.”

“Sounds promising but we’ll leave the promotion part to the advertising section.”

They are now making milk out of just about every food item not usually associated with dairy products. My local grocery store offers a cornucopia of “milk” types. Almond, coconut, soy, banana, cashew, macadamia, hemp* and quinoa are all food items that have been “milk-a-fied .” To be fair, coconut milk has been around forever. Almond and soy milk are a close second.

My first exposure to the  idea of coconut milk was introduced to my lexicon during the 60s (1960s) by Giligans Island.  I’m sure it had been depicted in other artistic forms before that , musicals and the stage, but for a smaller audience.

The island displayed a myriad of uses for the coconut, many of them purely fantastic. I do admit though the concept of a coconut radio intrigued me at a young age.

Banana milk sounded tasty. The promise of a tall glass of cold liquid banana sells itself. Who doesn’t like bananas? The mighty banana can go toe to toe with any fruit to accompany any meal whether its breakfast, lunch, dinner or that sneaky 2 am snack. 

Gilligan’s Island was overstocked with bananas. I was going to try it.  How could I go wrong?

 I’ll tell you how. Concoct a liquid that somehow captures the essence of gutter water topped off with a not yet ripe banana peel and shake enough to generate a froth like substance. You could also throw it in a blender. Spoiler alert:  It’s the same nauseous result.

Everything looks tasty when accompanied by a good froth. Unfortunately in this case looks are deceiving. 

To be honest up until now the only milk alternative I had consumed was almond milk and that was an attempt to rule out dairy products as the reason for a multitude of sinus issues. It wasn’t too bad with cereal if the cereal was chocolate frosted sugar bombs. My sinus problems continued to march onward.

If you are trying to limit the amount of fat in your diet, I think almond milk might be an alternative to cream in a White Russian cocktail. Someone try it out and let me know how it was.

Once you open the cocktail bar you could probably find quite a few recipes where almond milk might make a healthier choice with the alcohol making it tolerable. Go ahead and try a few and let me know what you thought of them. I am trying to lead a healthy life style but I’m not a first adopter. 

The other “milk” types while sounding interesting are not enticing enough for me to try.

At best I could probably tolerate a few but life is too short to just “tolerate” anything I consume. I think the alternate milk craze is here to stay for a while or at least until some new milk alternative takes on a light shade of blue ** and the marketing department can’t sell the public that blue means it’s wholesome.

*Stoner Alert:Legally grown hemp does not have a significant amount of THC to alter any sense but taste. 

**Blue seems to be a popular color for a beverage in the future. See Star Wars (the first movie), Star Trek TOS (The Original Series ) Silent Running to name a few.

Just following good SEO here. Back to where it all begins.

Humor, zombie

The zombie apocalypse is getting to be so Passe

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Is the zombie trend waning? Before I go any further I should clarify my position in regards to zombies. I have nothing against them personally. If you are one there is nothing wrong with that but I am prone to be contrarian when it comes to pop culture. 

I would not label myself a hipster. That would imply I’m on the forefront of a trend. I’m usually on the back end and I have no intent in joining.

Case in point; The movie “Urban Cowboy” came out in the early eighties , yes 1980’s, and it made it chic to dress like a cowboy. I laughed and said hell no.

It’s not that I have a problem with Cowboys, I don’t. I am however allergic to posers of any variety.

Wearing spurs when there are no horses within a hundred miles should get you nominated for poser of the year at best or severely lost.

When an item in pop culture starts trending upward*, I turn my back on it because every one is doing It. Yes Mom I listened to you when you said, “If everyone jumped off a bridge would you?” Of course my thought at the time was “It depends on what is behind us.” I kept that to myself. Why insult the judge when she’s about to hand down her sentence.

Which brings me back to the zombie apocalypse. How can such a one dimensional creature hold anyones attention for longer than 10 minutes let alone 10 television seasons.

One reason that I find them boring is there doesn’t seem to be any variety in zombie types. The only type is redundantly labeled. “Flesh Eating Zombie.”

 Are there any other kind? I mean if you had a choice wouldn’t you want to be more specific like a Filet Mignon eating zombie. Which leads me to my next question.

 Are vegetarians immune from zombie-ism or are they fine with soy based brain foods?

The typology could be expanded out a bit by adding some pairing preferences. There could be a group we call flesh eating with a nice Chianti variety.

The typology could further be sorted based on a preferred desert. “…..but she’s no ordinary Zombie with a penchant for Chianti she also enjoys warm chocolate chip cookies for desert.”

Yes I have simple needs but I’m a guy so that’s redundant.

The main habitats of zombies as currently presented are of two locations. The first is the rural domain. The second is the urban landscape.

It wasn’t until recently that zombies began to populate the suburbs. Why is it that? They certainly would blend in nicely and you would be forced to follow them at lunchtime to be able to tell the difference.

I expect that sooner or later Zombies will have to evolve ( or is it devolve?) for the franchise to survive.

*music genre, television genre , book genre, movies based on super heroes

A Place To Share Some Grins