Humor, satire

The conspiracy Game Resurrection

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The conspiracy twins showed up at the pub the following evening at 8:00 pm. when the kitchen closed. (In cased you missed the previous installment).

“Gentleman you have returned,” said the bartender.
Mr Panama and The Bearded one both did a faux look around.

“Oh, you’re talking about us,” uttered the bearded one.

“Yes. I guess I won’t insult you with the gentlemen label again.”

“Good , because we’re not used to it and it’s an insult to gentlemen,” replied the men in unison.

“So what brings you guys back.”

“Well we…” “Sorry folks I am just not into writing about conspiracy game(s) at this time.”

“Who’s that?” asked the conspiracy twins.

“That is the author of this blog,” replied The Bartender.

“What’s the problem, ” asked the bartender.

“I never thought that people would believe the conspiracy crap I’m shoveling.”

“Are they,” asked The Bartender.

“Not that I know of but it won’t be long before they do. The whole pandemic thing created a lot of bored people starving for entertainment “

“What about you,” asked The Bartender.

“I’ve got other things to write about”

“What if you created an inane end game,” asked The Bearded One.”

“I thought about that. But that is kind of like the game telephone. Once it has gone around the world there is no telling what goal it’s morphed into. It could have gone from the innocent “Get a dog” to “get an angry sea bass with lasers., replied the author.”

“Nice Austin Powers reference,” said The Bearded One.

“Thanks I try.“

“Suck-up, “replied Mr.Panama.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find something for you to do.”

“Something with the “conpiracy twins” moniker, hopefully ? “

” I’ll keep it in mind.“

Stay tuned for further developments in the sad lives of our main characters.“

“You’re being kind of harsh with the judgement there.”

“Sorry , I’ll tone it down in the future.”

“Thanks, appreciate it.”

Humor, Baseball

Is God a Cubs Fan?

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Scene: The Pearly Gates


A Cub fan appears at the front desk .
He is at peace with leaving his mortal coil.
The Cubs won the world series in his lifetime. The fan gets into a conversation with Herbert, St Peter may be playing hooky by now.

“Well my Cubs won it all so I am ok with my time being up.”

“I am so glad God could accommodate you.”

Yes even those in heaven can be sarcastic.

“So tell me does God follow sports? “

“Oh no he has more important things to do with you know the Universe.

But between you and I he peeks every once in a while.”

“He’s a Cub fan?”

“Well, let’s just say he couldn’t allow human suffering to continue for one more year. 108 was enough.”

“So he roots for them”

“Only in passing.”

“So no guarantee then?”

“I wouldn’t count on it. Consider 2016 a reset.”

So has the big guy “helped” other teams?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“What about Houston or the Cardinals ? He has to have
intervened for the Yankees at least once.”

“ I can’t say much other than there are dark forces in the universe.”

satire, Humor, Pandemic

Corona Virus and the American Psyche.

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The idea of American ingenuity formed long ago when this country was in it’s infancy. It was forged by inventors like Alexander Graham Bell, Sarah Breedlove, George Washington Carver, Thomas Edison, Robert Fulton, Elisha Gray, Beulah Louise Henry, Nikolai Tesla, Heddy Lamar, Grace Hopper….et al…. Nowhere near an exhaustive list but a representative group. You get the picture. We’ve invented a lot of things.

Don’t know some of these people? In the words of my father, “Go look it up.” This is when we had these things called books and some of them were called encyclopedias. There is Google now but check on the source of the information.

We are a country of getting stuff done, now. If we don’t have a way to do it we invent a way. We don’t like to sit around waiting.
If there is a situation that requires waiting, we want to “fix” it.
You may have had a friend or a significant other tell you “I’m not asking you to fix it, I just want you to listen.” For the record , no one ever said that to me 😉 .

Listening is what is needed now folks. Please STHU (Shut The Hell Up*) and listen to the experts.

“But they didn’t know anything when this started.” Not about this virus. They knew a lot of about viruses but not the details of coronavirus. No one did because it was a virus that had not been seen before. It spread unchecked because no one knew anything about it.

Most of us in the general population know little about viruses other than platitudes. Feed a fever and starve a cold? If your nose is cold and wet then, wait , that’s for dogs. Lack of knowledge won’t stop people from pontificating and generating advice to be handed down from their tiny mountain top.

Personally, I believe the psyche of the average person on this planet is susceptible to the Dunning Kreuger effect**. Basically people thinking they’re smarter than they are. Yea and I thought I was the first to identify the phenomenon.

The following people are not experts: Me (shocked?), A friend who works in a Dr’s office, a friend who is in med school, Either you or a friend who reads historical fiction set in the 14th century (The plague, look it up), Someone who ate their Wheaties this morning or stayed in a particular hotel chain.

“Oh, it’s like the flu.” Or “it has a low death rate.”
Greater than 600,000 deaths is acceptable?

Doctors and scientists who specialize in virology are working to estimate the mortality rate of COVID-19. At present, it is thought to be substantially higher (possibly 10 times or more) than that of most strains of the flu***. Over a population of immune compromised people, the rate is much higher.

So if you don’t care about parents, grandparents or your diabetic uncle then don’t worry..

Keep /Start listening to the experts. The CDC is stocked with them.


* My Mom reads these.

** [https://youtu.be/y50i1bI2uN4]

***https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/coronavirus-disease-2019-vs-the-flu

Humor

I’ve Got the Music in Me

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I do not spend much time living in the past because I did some pretty stupid things back then. I do, however, put energy into forgetting those stupid things. That is the reason I am always on the lookout for new music. New tunes do not carry the excess baggage associated with any past incidence(s) stupid or otherwise perpetrated by me. It’s reserved for that in the future.

It’s quite refreshing to listen to new music unabated by the reminder of stupid Dan tricks and buoyed by the knowledge it is a tabula rasa waiting to be imprinted with new imbecilic memories

I rely on good friends to snap me out nostalgia land.

How can one recognize when I am in that state? There is a good chance I will not be talking at said time. My head will be slightly cocked to one side in a manner that will remind you of a family dog. Boxers are especially adept at this.

The corners of my mouth will be slightly upturned and I will appear to have a slight smile on my face. This is a key juncture as it is often followed by a grimace. The second the corners of my mouth turn up is the moment I should be slapped.

You may think why does this guy waste so much time thinking such trivial thoughts? A legitimate question with a legitimate answer. I’m nuts and it is good for me to express myself, at least that is what the nice doctor told me.

Remember making fun of ones mental condition is never acceptable unless that one is me.

Well I’m off to create new memories. Take heart , I’m wiser these days.

There is only a 50-50 chance that it will be something stupid.

In case there are doubts about my sanity I give you exhibit A.

Humor

Hurray for 2021

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Written on the cusp of a new year.
This story brings together characters introduced in previous blog posts. The links to those are referenced upon their first mention.

The pandemic and its accompanying lock-down(s) has worn my sense of humor down to the size of a putt putt pencil. Therefore this post is not full of my usual jocularity. Yea I know.  Can someone who uses the word “jocularity” be very funny?


The fog that seemed to enshroud my mind
is finally giving way to lucid thoughts between periods of confusion and insanity.


When : Last Week
Where : The fertile imagination of the author.

(Hey if he says it’s fertile then it’s fertile. This will go a lot smoother if you just capitulate right now)

Locations: Various sets are littered throughout the authors mind, or is it sets littered with the authors mind? It could go either way at this point.

Location 1: A familiar but empty pub on Capitol Hill.

A few specters, male in form, briefly occupy the pub. They are accompanied by a few feeble voices having a conversation debating the propriety and danger of governing predicated upon conspiracy theories.


“But our conspiracy theories were for fun and no one took them seriously, ” Said the bearded man.

“I agree. No one ever died over a penny, millions of pennies maybe but never a penny,” replied Mr. Panama.

The nondescript bartender chimed in, “There have always been conspiracy theories and people that believe them.”

“True, but what if the world was on the same party line.”

“What do you mean by party line?”

“That is what the internet has become for those who people have said are “great thinkers.” (The phrase”Great thinkers “brought to you by the noun sarcasm.)

“Hurray for 2021“

The sound of static is heard as the pub disappears and fuzzy visions of toys come into focus.

“So remind me again why we are quarantined,” asked Yo.

“Because some kids in the shelter tested positive for COVID,” replied Xena.

“Yea but we can’t die from it. You said it yourself,” replied Yo.

“No we can’t but we can be carriers.”


“Well yea but the children probably won’t die.”

“Rather cavalier of you. What if they were your kids or your parents?”

“Yea, that’s bad. I see your point.”

“Hurray for 2021.“

Location 2: The Pearly Gates.


Both Herbert and St. Peter are working at the welcome desk and each are manning their own line. The pandemic has been hell on heaven. Hell is no picnic either but Hell is always hell.

Herbert paused before servicing the next arrival.
“I wish people would wear their damn masks.”A glare from Peter forced an apology from Herbert.
“I’m sorry St. Pete.”

“Have I mentioned that I prefer Peter.”

“Um, yes sir.”

” I will let the “damn” go for now because these are difficult times. People not wearing their damn masks is not helping.”

People, just wear your damn masks.


“Hurray for 2021.” Alright we get it. The author is glad 2021 is here.


If you missed the character links

Mr. Panama, The bearded one and the nondescript bartender were introduced in an earlier blog posting [https://thesoundoflaughter.wordpress.com/2016/02/21/the-art-of-the-conspiracy/]


Yo and Xena were introduced in this posting.
[https://thesoundoflaughter.wordpress.com/2013/12/11/black-friday-a-different-perspective/]


Herbert was introduced in this posting.
[http://thesoundoflaughter.com/its-that-season-already/]










Humor

I’m as Sane as Ever

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Note : Mental Health is not a subject to be made fun of unless it’s mine. My family constantly suggest that I may have issues in that realm. Not all of my personalities agree.

Shelter In Place(SIP) order given: March 26 2020.

Now for some me time.

Day 10 of sheltering in place(SIP):
Having spent a lot of time with myself lately, I remember why I don’t like hanging out with me.

Day 12 of SIP:
They started coming out today. I knew they would. It was just a matter of time before the stark bareness of SIP life would force internal conflicts to fracture into separate personifications. Fortunately none of my personalities have any violent intentions but I really wish they would pick up after themselves. I am not their full time maid.

Day 14 :
The personalities have started venturing out and hooking up with the appliances. This is not usually a problem but lately the appliances are starting to talk back. Soon they will start breaking off into cliques. Fortunately the appliances I use the most frequently have taken my side, or one of my sides, in the whole sorted affair. I try to not think about which side it is. That thought could drive me nuts.

I consider this fortunate because I would have a hard time adjusting without my coffee maker, dishwasher and my microwave. One good thing is that toilets are not considered appliances by any of the cliques.
Don’t spread this around but I think they have no interest at all with the commodes (the commodes politely told me they don’t like the toilet moniker). Keep that close to the vest.

Day 16:
At this point, there is no animosity among the groups but I fear that it won’t be long until they go all “Lord of The Flies” on me. The recent addition of a sewing machine was not a good decision. I now have nightmares featuring the sewing machine stitching me to the ground Lilliputian style.

Day ? Time doesn’t mean anything at this point:

I need to keep alert. I nodded off for a few minutes and when I woke up my toaster oven appeared to have moved closer to me. In hind site, I should have made more use of the ones that can easily harm me, like the toaster oven.

Due to its recent arrival, the sewing machine and I have no relationship so the Lilliputian nightmares have become more detailed. This forced me to confront the possible pain of needles to various parts of my anatomy, ouch.

Day ? (whatever). New Development:

My appliances, my personalities and I have called a truce. The personalities will no longer encourage the appliances to attack me. Therefore, I’ve promised not to cut the power.

Ten weeks of quarantine and I’m as sane as ever.

Humor, Pandemic

Lock Down 2020(Dans Log)

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I am now journaling daily. It’s an attempt to document the screwed up times we are living in, i.e. lock down. I would also be lying if I said it was not a coping mechanism. What follows is an excerpt.

05/01/2020
I feel like my time in lock down has been forever and that time outside of my condo1 continues to march on as I languish within.
Will post lock down greet us with an inoculation for COVID-19?
If I choose to be reckless and venture out doors is my cell frozen at March 25, 2020, BC 2 or does it catch up to current time? Personally the way things are going I may want to skip straight to 2021. Actually, I think 2022 is the safer bet.

05/03/2020
Because I live in Boulder, a blip in the time space continuum would not be out of the question. Actually, we have had in influx of what appears to be normal people in Longmont and some bleed out into Boulder. The odds of the existence of a time and space discontinuity is now negligible.

Up to this point, everything I had originally written in this log is intact. The rest of this post is from scratch. I believe the former was amusing in an “old guy get off my lawn” way but not needed right now.

My outlook for the remainder of the month is one of hope.
I hope people will be more cautious if and when they do go outside.
I’ve been wearing a mask when ever I go out because there is a high probability I’ll run into someone who is convinced they are immune. As human beings, sometimes we can be “dumb, panicky dangerous animals” (Men In Black 1997).

I hope spraying a disinfectant around me is not considered by law an assault on those less than 6 feet (1.83 meters) away.

I hope everyone makes it to 2022 unscathed.

I hope more people see this as a time to unite 3 .
We’ve already proven that we know how divide and I’m not talking about Math.
Sadly, we are excellent at it. We need to work on a different skill. The skill of coming together.

Humor

Pandemic: This too shall pass.

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Life at the moment feels rather tenuous. This too shall pass.
Photos published during the pandemic  show stark empty cities resembling scenes from a Twilight Zone episode.  I believe  that most people are getting the message.

In my heart of hearts, I know that we will be done with this in the not too distant future.

The pandemic will reach a crescendo.

We will frolic in the sun once again.

That may have been the first time I have used the word frolic, ever.  I’ve only seen the word used in conjunction with children and animals. After the pandemic, I am damn sure that my activities will be described as frolicking.

I will frolic my way to the store.

I will frolic while hiking the many trails of this awesome state.

I am going to frolic so damn much just watching me will be considered frolicking.

The coronavirus will not die out altogether, so say the experts.
We will have to remain cautious and that’s fine. Cautious is a good adjective to be applied to life after a pandemic.

I can frolic with caution. It’s still frolicking.

Humor

The Great Derrière Expansion of 2019/2020 (Can You Spare a Square?)

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     I thought I was ready for this pandemic. It was a nice thought while it lasted (about 20 seconds). I checked  on my supplies and  created a list of a few items that I needed. 

Item                                                Quantity                                     State

Soup                                    2 packets of onion soup.       Probably need soup
                                                 I’m sure they’re old but
                                                 its soup for christ sakes.                                  

Milk                                         1/2 quart of milk.                            Need Milk.

Toilet Paper                               Seven rolls.                                    Plenty.

A couple of thoughts came to mind.

1) I Shouldn’t have shaved the beard. It was a good source of leftovers.
2) I seemed to have seen a story about toilet paper (TP). Something about a shortage?

     I double checked my trusty internet sources and yes I had to stifle a grin as I wrote this. Low and behold there were several hundred stories about stores out  of all TP.  Yes,  every single roll of TP on store shelves. I am not sure if facial tissue, napkins and paper towels were part of the collateral damage.

What are people doing with all of the toilet paper?

     I was perplexed. Why were people buying TP in quantities befitting the US First Infantry Division (Big Red One)? The last I heard the Big Red One was stationed in Ft Riley Kansas.
I’m pretty sure if they were buying up TP they would clean out the stock of Kansas stores and not those of neighboring states.

     “What we are dealing with here is uncharted.” Thats the last thing I want to hear from a toilet paper manufacturer but that’s what we heard from toilet paper manufacturers this past week.

Unchartered  sounds like they got lost on the way to Charmin Island.

     I can see why they were at a loss. They probably have metrics associated with the average American derrier size, the average American diet (fiber and so forth) and the number of average American meals consumed in a 24 hour period.

    They kept recalculating their numbers and offering alternate theories but  could only come up with one good explanation, hoarding.

I have an alternate theory (read a more amusing one). I believe the size of the average American derrier has tripled since Christmas. The cause of course is the consumption of massive amounts of food and drink during the holidays. 

Excluding the derrier expansion theory, there is no way an average healthy individual could actually use the entire TP stock of a store in three weeks time (the current lockdown time in Boulder).

I had to admit the hoarding theory was the only reason that made sense.

So back to my inventory. Did I have enought TP?

I double checked my current stock and I had 7 rolls not including the two currently deployed in the bathrooms. Yes, I am healthy and my derrier is not that big (TMI?). 

My TP supply is just fine and that’s a good thing.  The stores seem to be going through it like poop through a goose.

 I have only one parting thought for those hoarding toilet paper. Actually, I have many more thoughts but I need to work on my vocabulary. It does not include enough synonyms for assHat. I try to avoid being repetitive in my writing.

For the few who actually use a biblical* amount of TP in 3 weeks may I suggest less fiber and more cheese.
*By biblical amount, I mean enough for 40 days and 40 nights.

Authors Note: During this state of emergency no Purel has been hoarded. Of course there is none on the shelves to be hoarded but that’s beside the point. The point being is that “I” do not hoard Purel. I make my own.

Additional Authors Note: I am aware of the seriousness of this pandemic.
It has taken much of  my daily energy  to keep my head together.
I end up meditating several times during the day, every day.
I believe that exercising one’s humor is a key line of defense. 

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” –Mark Twain

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