Category Archives: satire

Humor, Political, satire

A Former Heroin Addict, a Guy With Mercury Poisoning and a Worm Walk into Congress

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A Former Heroin Addict, A guy with Mercury poisoning and a dead worm walk into Congress. Worm walking? What? Congress? Isn’t that supposed to be a bar. Sadly no, this is not the start of a joke. It’s one guy and he is a vessel for a dead worm. Now this normally would be a sad story but the reality is even more tragic. This particular mercury ridden addict and dead worm transport is in charge of the agency protecting the health of all Americans.

But wait, there’s more . The man is also an avowed anti-vaxer and has no medical experience. Now I believe people deserve second chances but I think there needs to be better judgement on the type of chances you give them. You don’t put them in a position of massive responsibility affecting hundreds of millions of people. Just like you don’t put an alcoholic in charge of a huge organization with the power to destroy the earth several time over. Oh wait, that’s been done.

This is all brought to you by a reality TV star who say’s he only hires the best people. No wonder comedians have a love hate relationship with this guy. When the reality TV show craze hit and I said that this was going to destroy the country I was being flippant. Now it appears I was being prescient.

Since the COVID pandemic, it seems that we have degraded into a dystopian version of Jr. High School where intelligence challenged and or worm addled bullies who ate paint chips when they were younger pick on the smart kids. In this case though, the bullies are also the principle, the vice-principal, the school counselor, the school nurse and the superintendent of school security. To be honest it’s a male nurse and they got some flack for being too progressive but since he had no medical experience and was an ex junkie they thought that counteracted any progressive accusations. They kept the worm and mercury poisoning to themselves. Any responsible school district would fire the Principal, Vice Principal and the afore mentioned accomplices and banish them to a school district warehouse never to be seen again. But that is not where we are at folks. In our reality we praise these people and fire the folks that are holding the school together, the teachers.

If you have seen the movie Idiocracy you may now be looking at it in a different light. If you haven’t the short take is that a guy of average intelligence is frozen and thaws out in the distant future. Society has become so dumb he is considered a genius and is made president. When it came out one could think it was satiric statement on where our society could be in the distant future. Now it appears to be a warning on where we are now and what will happen if we keep going in this direction.

If this goes on much further we will regress to the point where fire is bad and we will all be in danger of trichinosis. I guess that would make the sushi and gatorade folks ecstatic. If you don’t get the gatorade bit you really need to see Idiocracy.

Humor, Political, satire

Gee Elon, What Could Go Wrong?

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Elon Musk wants to be Trumps efficiency expert.

That’s scary. I can foresee quite a few scenarios inspired by his takeover of another entity he didn’t start, Twitter (Yes I still call it that) and they involved seemingly random staff cuts. He would discover he needed some of them and had to try to get them back. That example doesn’t leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling . Remember Self driving cars and underground tube transport systems. You can bet he want’s to get rid of all Auto Safety standards and anything that doesn’t allow his self driving cars to become a menace on the roads. Yes, no warm fuzzies what-so-ever.

The following dialogue is from a purely fictitious conversation that I imagine could be possible. I shouldn’t have to mention this but this is a parody. Maybe someday the voices in my head can talk to the voices in Elon’s head and straighten out any confusion. I hear he’s working on a brain chip for that.

Key: U = Unknown person soon to be kicked out of Elon’s inner circle.

Note: It is not believed that Elon has an outer circle. I am giving him the benefit of doubt that he as an inner one. Or at least an inner dialogue of various voices.

U – “Mr Musk, what is your first idea when it comes to streamlining the goverment?”

Elon “Well, do we really need a separate ambassador for individual Asian countries. Why can’t we just have one I for the whole continent I mean aren’t they all the same?

U- “ Sir, you do realize that China, Russia and India are just a few of the countries that are part of the Asian Continent and that Asia makes up 60% of the worlds population. It’s home to about 4.46 billion people speaking about 2,300 languages.”

“I can read a map as it’s currently laid out, for now. I still stick by my statement that they are all the same.”

U – “So you are suggesting that one person serve as liaison to the entire continent when two of those countries represent the biggest threats to the U.S. and world peace?

“Hmm, That seems like a problem that I like to categorize as someone else’s. It’s all going to be a moot point when Donald invites China and Russia to divide us up for whatever spoils he can negotiate. He is a master negotiator you know.”

U- “Yes, I’ve heard that claim often, mostly from him.

Did you ever notice that his only goal when negotiating is to not look stupid?”

“He never looks stupid.”

U- “No, not until the aftermath sets in and he’s not around or not held accountable for it. If that does happen he is very practiced in the crude and ancient art of finger pointing. It’s his best defense mechanism. “

“That may be true. I heard he may call it blame-it-su and trademark it. Which I think is brilliant.”

U- “I’m not sure about your Diplomat reduction idea. What other ideas do you have?”

“I have a great way to streamline Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.”

U- “Interesting, Do you have any idea what the basic living and medical costs are for a retired or disabled person?”

“No but it can’t be as much as mine. I mean yes I am a billionaire but it costs more for a genius to live these days.”

U – “Interesting and perhaps ironic.”

“How’s that?”

U – “Well Nicolai Tesla is considered a real genius and he ended up living on soda crackers and the kindness of others.”

“Yes, but he wasn’t a billionaire was he.”

U “No. What’s your point”

“I can’t rely on the kindness of strangers.”

U- “No argument here.”

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Humor, satire

The Team from Nowhere: Chapter 2 The Nobodies.

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Trent Stotlmeyer, volunteer firefighter, life insurance salesman, part time bartender and part time assistant coach for the Nobodies knocked on Coach Mickey Brown’s office door.

He could barely hear the go-ahead from coach Brown but he was used to the low volume. The coach was always saving his voice for arguing with umpires. Trent has never witnessed the afore mentioned arguments. No one has. The coach never argued. He didn’t have to. He had perfected the “If you go down this road you will never come back” look to the point that it could be considered assault in a court of law. It’s just as well that the same look kept him out of court.

“What brings you here? No fires or cocktails to sling?” asked Mickey. “Wait one more question. Are we ok with the “No Bodies?”.
“Well I am ,“ replied Trent.
“The Outsiders” generates more questions than it answers and “The Nobodies”, notice it’s all one word, really begs no questions. In fact I believe it discourages people from going down that road. Kinda like that one look you have. Yeah, that one.”

“To answer your first question. The bar is closed on Mondays and by a strange coincidence the town has never had a fire on Monday. I am beginning to suspect sobriety may be a factor.”

“Fair enough. Why No Bodies with just one word?”

“I choose to use the one word form because while you and I don’t really have physiques to brag about, the players don’t have that issue. They are also not a gang of killers with a talent of getting rid of the evidence. Before we go off into the weeds, I came here with a new problem.”

“What’s wrong with the old problems”, asked Mickey
“Because we have procrastinated long enough that those problems have been overcome by events and are no longer problems.”

“Thats the subtle genius of procrastination”

“If you say so.”

“What is the new problem?”
“A reporter from The World Is starting to ask questions.”
“What kind of questions?”
“The kind having to do with the origins of this team and the “a” word was mentioned.”
“You mean?”
“Yes , aliens.”


Humor, satire

Well Geez They Need a Slogan

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Sometimes I just can’t let go of the things that really tick me off. Well the anti-woke folks are at it again. Pick a state, any Red state, and they all seem to be trying to pass anti LGBTQIA2S+ 1 laws and voting restrictions all in the effort to attack the groups that woke folks have recognized are getting screwed by society.

Since they seem to be in lock step with each other and proud of their stance , they need a slogan to distill their thoughts down.

A few of my suggested slogans for the anti-woke crowd:

“I’m so Anti Woke I’m brain dead”

“Anti Woke = The Opposite of the Golden Rule”

“Anti Woke = Being selfish beyond reason”

“Anti Woke = Yes I left my mind back in kindergarten”

“Anti Woke = Don’t wake me up, I prefer to be unconscious”

“Anti Woke = If I wasn’t an adult I would add “nana nana boo boo” ”

“Anti Woke = For Those of Us Who Are Just Plain Mean”

“Anti Woke = Reminding you that people whose existence doesn’t cause problems make us uncomfortable”

Humor, Political, satire

You may be an Asshat if…(Today’s Guide to the common Asshat)

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American culture is so transient and capricious these days sometimes its hard to tell the asshats from decent folk.
If you are not familiar with the term asshat it is just a less vulgar term for assh***. Your know the word.

There are many forms expressing similar attributes.
AssClown: It still has the ass characteristic but now it takes on a certain level of incompetence as it applies to whatever activity they are taking part in.

AssMoron :Similar to AssClown but they have achieved a much higer level of incompetence than AssClowns.

AssJerk :Does not really exist because the second syllable in the term has much the same meaning as asshat making it redundant.

“Today we focus on the common asshat.
Ive created just the tool you need to determine if someone you know is one. So with no further ado and my apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I give you today’s guide to the common asshat.”

**They may be an asshat ….
If they use the term “woke” and they are not describing the state of someone no longer sleeping.

If they use the term woke and they put air quotes around the word “woke”.

They use the term snowflake in a derogatory manner.
But what Is a derogatory manner?
I’ll call out some guidelines here.

It’s a derogatory manner If the word is being used and does not relate to weather or something that is unique as in “Just like a snowflake is unique in that no other snowflake looks the same, no fingerprint is identical.”

They put the prefix “anti” in front of woke and think it’s a good thing when in fact they have just declared that they are against waking up and plan on sleeping the rest of their adult lives. If only it were true.

They are the same sort of folks that think Antifa is a bad thing even though the largest Antifa group on record was the U.S Armed Forces and their allies during WWII.

They create a new law which begs to have the words “don’t say” in front of it while still defending the first amendment.

They use the abbreviation PC or the term “political correctness” with a sarcastic tone or with air quotes.

They boycott their favorite beer company when the company created a beer can giving props to a transgender media star. They then realize they have no other beer in the house and decide to consume what they had in private. Waste not want not.

Further more, after drinking all of the bad “woke beer” in the house, they pick a “non woke beer” to drink not realizing the beer is made by the same company that owns their formerly favorite beer. In fact that company has 14 different brands of beer so odds are the asshats will end up still supporting a “Woke” company.

They get into a battle of wits with Mickey Mouse and they are woefully unarmed.

The groups that tend to generate asshat behavior at an alarming rate always create new enemies in fake culture wars to further divide this country. Never fear. I will stand at the ready to help you identify new members of this group that collectively I call The Society of Asshats.

Humor, Political, satire, Television

The secret lives of George Santos(Kept on the down-low)

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“Yea, see that supermodel on TV. I just broke up with her but keep that on the down-low. The kid is still a bit heartbroken but she’ll get over it.”

“”Why” you ask? Well, I met someone new and I’m just a one woman man.”

“”Who” you say? Well, you’d be surprised. You may know her as Halle Berry.”

“Oh, she’s involved you say? Yes of course she is. With me.
That other guy is just to throw off the paparazzi. She’s keeping me on the down-low.”

“Besides how could she turn down someone who’s independently wealthy and offers his espionage services pro bono to his country.”

“What? You’ve never heard of me? “

“For both those efforts I don’t like to be in the spotlight. Yes that’s it. I’m keeping it on the down-low.”

“What am I doing in DC?” I’m um, dropping by the Holocaust museum to check their records to make sure a uh, a cousin once removed is listed. Yea that’s the ticket.”

“Yes very tragic.”

“How long am I in DC?”

“Well a couple more days. I’m, um, checking into running for office. Yea, that’s the ticket.

“Oh no, not the Presidency but for a Senate office. My resume needs to be “beefed up” before I attempt a run for President. There are some useful skills I need to make up experience, um, acquire, before I run for President.”

“Stop! This is why I wanted to run through your monologue,” a befuddled Lorne Michaels uttered.

“This sounds too much like a Jon Lovitz liar routine. You won’t fool anyone.”

“You’d be surprised Mr. Michaels but that’s alright I can go in another direction.

“Great thanks let’s take a short break for lunch and well start with your new stuff. You know if the entertainment business doesn’t work out you might give politics a go at it.”

“Thanks I’ll keep that in mind but keep that on the down-low.”

There is no known record of George Santos ever auditioning for Saturday Night Live but don’t be surprised if it turns up on his resume in the future.

Humor, satire

a mission from God

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Today is a special day in the afterlife and
Herbert could feel excitement in the air. He was working the
front gate again. He called it the concierge desk. It gave him a sense of importance. The big guy said the afterlife is not the place for a class system. We are all equal here. Herbert understood but he really just wanted to wear a cool hat. God said he would look into the possibility of a hat.

Hat or not he felt excited. Today God would give a wake up call to the people of earth. Global climate change is real and caused by man. They already see the effects but are not addressing it with the urgency it deserves.

Herbert had put together a list of people he called influencers. He got the idea from social media but a large social media presence is not required. They could be well connected to various groups in their community the old fashioned way, networking.

When he had the list God would prematurely and temporarily call them home. While here they will be told they are going back but not before being shown into a special “sense-around” theater. This theater was more than huge speakers like the sad human attempts in the [70’s]. No, this is a theater that can deliver actual tidal waves, blasts of arctic air, the intense heat of forest fires, mud slides and hurricane strength winds. How? Come on, he’s God.

These people will be woke to the imminent danger of global warming and then sent back to tell the masses to get their “shit” together or they be doomed. Earth would survive. Humans however would be doomed.

Yes God said “shit”among a sundry other curse words in many different languages.

“Sometimes polite words don’t carry the proper amount of weight.”

Herbert decided to check and make sure the theater was ready to “wake-up some people.”

Before he realized it he had just walked past the entrance to the Sensatorium. Yes, The Sensatorium. Not a great name but better than the original name God wanted ,”The Feel-around”. That would have been an HR nightmare.

It took some delicate discussions with the big guy on why “Feel-around” may cause trouble.

People would take it literally and be sent to purgatory 2.

Herbert went back to the Sensatorium and peered inside. He saw nothing. “Holly Roses Moses.” Nobody here and there was nothing set up. He popped next door to resolve this issue right away.

“YES?”
” I hate to disturb you sir but we have a situation.”
“OH, DON’T TELL ME IT’S THE THEATER NAME AGAIN.”
“No sir, Sensatorium is just fine. The problem is the theater is
not setup “

“WELL OF COURSE IT ISN’T. WE WON’T BE USING THE SENSATORIUM FOR A WHILE. DID YOU NOT RECEIVE MY THOUGHT MEMO?”

“To tell the truth sir my mind is foggy lately. It’s quite possible I misplaced it. I need a break. I’m working overtime due to the pandemic .

“THE PANDEMIC IS THE REASON WHY WE ARE POSTPONING THE AWAKENING. WE CAN’T CALL THOSE PEOPLE BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PANDEMIC. BAD FORM. THAT WOULD BE PILING ON. WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE PANDEMIC SUBSIDES.”


“Sage advice sir.”


YEA, THAT COMES WITH THE WHOLE GOD THING.

“Any idea when the Pandemic will subside sir.”

“WELL IT’S WHEN HERD IMMUNITY IS ACHIEVED .

“When is that sir?”

“WORST CASE SCENARIO IS WHEN 90% OF THE WORLD POPULATION HAS EITHER BEEN VACCINATED AND/OR EXPOSED TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

ONE OF THE BIG BUMPS IS THE UNITED STATES. TOO MANY STUBBORN, SELFISH AND/OR UNINFORMED CONSPIRACY NUTS IN THAT COUNTRY. BUT THEY WILL ARRIVE AT 90% EVENTUALLY.


“What makes you so sure sir?”

TOOL-WISE, IN ADDITION TO VACCINATION THERE IS DYING. WE’LL ACHIEVE IT.

“Yes we will sir.”

 

Humor, satire

The conspiracy Game Resurrection

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The conspiracy twins showed up at the pub the following evening at 8:00 pm. when the kitchen closed. (In cased you missed the previous installment).

“Gentleman you have returned,” said the bartender.
Mr Panama and The Bearded one both did a faux look around.

“Oh, you’re talking about us,” uttered the bearded one.

“Yes. I guess I won’t insult you with the gentlemen label again.”

“Good , because we’re not used to it and it’s an insult to gentlemen,” replied the men in unison.

“So what brings you guys back.”

“Well we…” “Sorry folks I am just not into writing about conspiracy game(s) at this time.”

“Who’s that?” asked the conspiracy twins.

“That is the author of this blog,” replied The Bartender.

“What’s the problem, ” asked the bartender.

“I never thought that people would believe the conspiracy crap I’m shoveling.”

“Are they,” asked The Bartender.

“Not that I know of but it won’t be long before they do. The whole pandemic thing created a lot of bored people starving for entertainment “

“What about you,” asked The Bartender.

“I’ve got other things to write about”

“What if you created an inane end game,” asked The Bearded One.”

“I thought about that. But that is kind of like the game telephone. Once it has gone around the world there is no telling what goal it’s morphed into. It could have gone from the innocent “Get a dog” to “get an angry sea bass with lasers., replied the author.”

“Nice Austin Powers reference,” said The Bearded One.

“Thanks I try.“

“Suck-up, “replied Mr.Panama.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find something for you to do.”

“Something with the “conpiracy twins” moniker, hopefully ? “

” I’ll keep it in mind.“

Stay tuned for further developments in the sad lives of our main characters.“

“You’re being kind of harsh with the judgement there.”

“Sorry , I’ll tone it down in the future.”

“Thanks, appreciate it.”

satire, Humor, Pandemic

Corona Virus and the American Psyche.

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The idea of American ingenuity formed long ago when this country was in it’s infancy. It was forged by inventors like Alexander Graham Bell, Sarah Breedlove, George Washington Carver, Thomas Edison, Robert Fulton, Elisha Gray, Beulah Louise Henry, Nikolai Tesla, Heddy Lamar, Grace Hopper….et al…. Nowhere near an exhaustive list but a representative group. You get the picture. We’ve invented a lot of things.

Don’t know some of these people? In the words of my father, “Go look it up.” This is when we had these things called books and some of them were called encyclopedias. There is Google now but check on the source of the information.

We are a country of getting stuff done, now. If we don’t have a way to do it we invent a way. We don’t like to sit around waiting.
If there is a situation that requires waiting, we want to “fix” it.
You may have had a friend or a significant other tell you “I’m not asking you to fix it, I just want you to listen.” For the record , no one ever said that to me 😉 .

Listening is what is needed now folks. Please STHU (Shut The Hell Up*) and listen to the experts.

“But they didn’t know anything when this started.” Not about this virus. They knew a lot of about viruses but not the details of coronavirus. No one did because it was a virus that had not been seen before. It spread unchecked because no one knew anything about it.

Most of us in the general population know little about viruses other than platitudes. Feed a fever and starve a cold? If your nose is cold and wet then, wait , that’s for dogs. Lack of knowledge won’t stop people from pontificating and generating advice to be handed down from their tiny mountain top.

Personally, I believe the psyche of the average person on this planet is susceptible to the Dunning Kreuger effect**. Basically people thinking they’re smarter than they are. Yea and I thought I was the first to identify the phenomenon.

The following people are not experts: Me (shocked?), A friend who works in a Dr’s office, a friend who is in med school, Either you or a friend who reads historical fiction set in the 14th century (The plague, look it up), Someone who ate their Wheaties this morning or stayed in a particular hotel chain.

“Oh, it’s like the flu.” Or “it has a low death rate.”
Greater than 600,000 deaths is acceptable?

Doctors and scientists who specialize in virology are working to estimate the mortality rate of COVID-19. At present, it is thought to be substantially higher (possibly 10 times or more) than that of most strains of the flu***. Over a population of immune compromised people, the rate is much higher.

So if you don’t care about parents, grandparents or your diabetic uncle then don’t worry..

Keep /Start listening to the experts. The CDC is stocked with them.


* My Mom reads these.

** [https://youtu.be/y50i1bI2uN4]

***https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/coronavirus-disease-2019-vs-the-flu