Category Archives: satire

Humor, satire

The Team from Nowhere: Chapter 2 The Nobodies.

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Trent Stotlmeyer, volunteer firefighter, life insurance salesman, part time bartender and part time assistant coach for the Nobodies knocked on Coach Mickey Brown’s office door.

He could barely hear the go-ahead from coach Brown but he was used to the low volume. The coach was always saving his voice for arguing with umpires. Trent has never witnessed the afore mentioned arguments. No one has. The coach never argued. He didn’t have to. He had perfected the “If you go down this road you will never come back” look to the point that it could be considered assault in a court of law. It’s just as well that the same look kept him out of court.

“What brings you here? No fires or cocktails to sling?” asked Mickey. “Wait one more question. Are we ok with the “No Bodies?”.
“Well I am ,“ replied Trent.
“The Outsiders” generates more questions than it answers and “The Nobodies”, notice it’s all one word, really begs no questions. In fact I believe it discourages people from going down that road. Kinda like that one look you have. Yeah, that one.”

“To answer your first question. The bar is closed on Mondays and by a strange coincidence the town has never had a fire on Monday. I am beginning to suspect sobriety may be a factor.”

“Fair enough. Why No Bodies with just one word?”

“I choose to use the one word form because while you and I don’t really have physiques to brag about, the players don’t have that issue. They are also not a gang of killers with a talent of getting rid of the evidence. Before we go off into the weeds, I came here with a new problem.”

“What’s wrong with the old problems”, asked Mickey
“Because we have procrastinated long enough that those problems have been overcome by events and are no longer problems.”

“Thats the subtle genius of procrastination”

“If you say so.”

“What is the new problem?”
“A reporter from The World Is starting to ask questions.”
“What kind of questions?”
“The kind having to do with the origins of this team and the “a” word was mentioned.”
“You mean?”
“Yes , aliens.”


Humor, satire

Well Geez They Need a Slogan

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Sometimes I just can’t let go of the things that really tick me off. Well the anti-woke folks are at it again. Pick a state, any Red state, and they all seem to be trying to pass anti LGBTQIA2S+ 1 laws and voting restrictions all in the effort to attack the groups that woke folks have recognized are getting screwed by society.

Since they seem to be in lock step with each other and proud of their stance , they need a slogan to distill their thoughts down.

A few of my suggested slogans for the anti-woke crowd:

“I’m so Anti Woke I’m brain dead”

“Anti Woke = The Opposite of the Golden Rule”

“Anti Woke = Being selfish beyond reason”

“Anti Woke = Yes I left my mind back in kindergarten”

“Anti Woke = Don’t wake me up, I prefer to be unconscious”

“Anti Woke = If I wasn’t an adult I would add “nana nana boo boo” ”

“Anti Woke = For Those of Us Who Are Just Plain Mean”

“Anti Woke = Reminding you that people whose existence doesn’t cause problems make us uncomfortable”

Humor, Political, satire

You may be an Asshat if…(Today’s Guide to the common Asshat)

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American culture is so transient and capricious these days sometimes its hard to tell the asshats from decent folk.
If you are not familiar with the term asshat it is just a less vulgar term for assh***. Your know the word.

There are many forms expressing similar attributes.
AssClown: It still has the ass characteristic but now it takes on a certain level of incompetence as it applies to whatever activity they are taking part in.

AssMoron :Similar to AssClown but they have achieved a much higer level of incompetence than AssClowns.

AssJerk :Does not really exist because the second syllable in the term has much the same meaning as asshat making it redundant.

“Today we focus on the common asshat.
Ive created just the tool you need to determine if someone you know is one. So with no further ado and my apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I give you today’s guide to the common asshat.”

**They may be an asshat ….
If they use the term “woke” and they are not describing the state of someone no longer sleeping.

If they use the term woke and they put air quotes around the word “woke”.

They use the term snowflake in a derogatory manner.
But what Is a derogatory manner?
I’ll call out some guidelines here.

It’s a derogatory manner If the word is being used and does not relate to weather or something that is unique as in “Just like a snowflake is unique in that no other snowflake looks the same, no fingerprint is identical.”

They put the prefix “anti” in front of woke and think it’s a good thing when in fact they have just declared that they are against waking up and plan on sleeping the rest of their adult lives. If only it were true.

They are the same sort of folks that think Antifa is a bad thing even though the largest Antifa group on record was the U.S Armed Forces and their allies during WWII.

They create a new law which begs to have the words “don’t say” in front of it while still defending the first amendment.

They use the abbreviation PC or the term “political correctness” with a sarcastic tone or with air quotes.

They boycott their favorite beer company when the company created a beer can giving props to a transgender media star. They then realize they have no other beer in the house and decide to consume what they had in private. Waste not want not.

Further more, after drinking all of the bad “woke beer” in the house, they pick a “non woke beer” to drink not realizing the beer is made by the same company that owns their formerly favorite beer. In fact that company has 14 different brands of beer so odds are the asshats will end up still supporting a “Woke” company.

They get into a battle of wits with Mickey Mouse and they are woefully unarmed.

The groups that tend to generate asshat behavior at an alarming rate always create new enemies in fake culture wars to further divide this country. Never fear. I will stand at the ready to help you identify new members of this group that collectively I call The Society of Asshats.

Humor, Political, satire, Television

The secret lives of George Santos(Kept on the down-low)

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“Yea, see that supermodel on TV. I just broke up with her but keep that on the down-low. The kid is still a bit heartbroken but she’ll get over it.”

“”Why” you ask? Well, I met someone new and I’m just a one woman man.”

“”Who” you say? Well, you’d be surprised. You may know her as Halle Berry.”

“Oh, she’s involved you say? Yes of course she is. With me.
That other guy is just to throw off the paparazzi. She’s keeping me on the down-low.”

“Besides how could she turn down someone who’s independently wealthy and offers his espionage services pro bono to his country.”

“What? You’ve never heard of me? “

“For both those efforts I don’t like to be in the spotlight. Yes that’s it. I’m keeping it on the down-low.”

“What am I doing in DC?” I’m um, dropping by the Holocaust museum to check their records to make sure a uh, a cousin once removed is listed. Yea that’s the ticket.”

“Yes very tragic.”

“How long am I in DC?”

“Well a couple more days. I’m, um, checking into running for office. Yea, that’s the ticket.

“Oh no, not the Presidency but for a Senate office. My resume needs to be “beefed up” before I attempt a run for President. There are some useful skills I need to make up experience, um, acquire, before I run for President.”

“Stop! This is why I wanted to run through your monologue,” a befuddled Lorne Michaels uttered.

“This sounds too much like a Jon Lovitz liar routine. You won’t fool anyone.”

“You’d be surprised Mr. Michaels but that’s alright I can go in another direction.

“Great thanks let’s take a short break for lunch and well start with your new stuff. You know if the entertainment business doesn’t work out you might give politics a go at it.”

“Thanks I’ll keep that in mind but keep that on the down-low.”

There is no known record of George Santos ever auditioning for Saturday Night Live but don’t be surprised if it turns up on his resume in the future.

Humor, satire

a mission from God

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Today is a special day in the afterlife and
Herbert could feel excitement in the air. He was working the
front gate again. He called it the concierge desk. It gave him a sense of importance. The big guy said the afterlife is not the place for a class system. We are all equal here. Herbert understood but he really just wanted to wear a cool hat. God said he would look into the possibility of a hat.

Hat or not he felt excited. Today God would give a wake up call to the people of earth. Global climate change is real and caused by man. They already see the effects but are not addressing it with the urgency it deserves.

Herbert had put together a list of people he called influencers. He got the idea from social media but a large social media presence is not required. They could be well connected to various groups in their community the old fashioned way, networking.

When he had the list God would prematurely and temporarily call them home. While here they will be told they are going back but not before being shown into a special “sense-around” theater. This theater was more than huge speakers like the sad human attempts in the [70’s]. No, this is a theater that can deliver actual tidal waves, blasts of arctic air, the intense heat of forest fires, mud slides and hurricane strength winds. How? Come on, he’s God.

These people will be woke to the imminent danger of global warming and then sent back to tell the masses to get their “shit” together or they be doomed. Earth would survive. Humans however would be doomed.

Yes God said “shit”among a sundry other curse words in many different languages.

“Sometimes polite words don’t carry the proper amount of weight.”

Herbert decided to check and make sure the theater was ready to “wake-up some people.”

Before he realized it he had just walked past the entrance to the Sensatorium. Yes, The Sensatorium. Not a great name but better than the original name God wanted ,”The Feel-around”. That would have been an HR nightmare.

It took some delicate discussions with the big guy on why “Feel-around” may cause trouble.

People would take it literally and be sent to purgatory 2.

Herbert went back to the Sensatorium and peered inside. He saw nothing. “Holly Roses Moses.” Nobody here and there was nothing set up. He popped next door to resolve this issue right away.

“YES?”
” I hate to disturb you sir but we have a situation.”
“OH, DON’T TELL ME IT’S THE THEATER NAME AGAIN.”
“No sir, Sensatorium is just fine. The problem is the theater is
not setup “

“WELL OF COURSE IT ISN’T. WE WON’T BE USING THE SENSATORIUM FOR A WHILE. DID YOU NOT RECEIVE MY THOUGHT MEMO?”

“To tell the truth sir my mind is foggy lately. It’s quite possible I misplaced it. I need a break. I’m working overtime due to the pandemic .

“THE PANDEMIC IS THE REASON WHY WE ARE POSTPONING THE AWAKENING. WE CAN’T CALL THOSE PEOPLE BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PANDEMIC. BAD FORM. THAT WOULD BE PILING ON. WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE PANDEMIC SUBSIDES.”


“Sage advice sir.”


YEA, THAT COMES WITH THE WHOLE GOD THING.

“Any idea when the Pandemic will subside sir.”

“WELL IT’S WHEN HERD IMMUNITY IS ACHIEVED .

“When is that sir?”

“WORST CASE SCENARIO IS WHEN 90% OF THE WORLD POPULATION HAS EITHER BEEN VACCINATED AND/OR EXPOSED TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

ONE OF THE BIG BUMPS IS THE UNITED STATES. TOO MANY STUBBORN, SELFISH AND/OR UNINFORMED CONSPIRACY NUTS IN THAT COUNTRY. BUT THEY WILL ARRIVE AT 90% EVENTUALLY.


“What makes you so sure sir?”

TOOL-WISE, IN ADDITION TO VACCINATION THERE IS DYING. WE’LL ACHIEVE IT.

“Yes we will sir.”

 

Humor, satire

The conspiracy Game Resurrection

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The conspiracy twins showed up at the pub the following evening at 8:00 pm. when the kitchen closed. (In cased you missed the previous installment).

“Gentleman you have returned,” said the bartender.
Mr Panama and The Bearded one both did a faux look around.

“Oh, you’re talking about us,” uttered the bearded one.

“Yes. I guess I won’t insult you with the gentlemen label again.”

“Good , because we’re not used to it and it’s an insult to gentlemen,” replied the men in unison.

“So what brings you guys back.”

“Well we…” “Sorry folks I am just not into writing about conspiracy game(s) at this time.”

“Who’s that?” asked the conspiracy twins.

“That is the author of this blog,” replied The Bartender.

“What’s the problem, ” asked the bartender.

“I never thought that people would believe the conspiracy crap I’m shoveling.”

“Are they,” asked The Bartender.

“Not that I know of but it won’t be long before they do. The whole pandemic thing created a lot of bored people starving for entertainment “

“What about you,” asked The Bartender.

“I’ve got other things to write about”

“What if you created an inane end game,” asked The Bearded One.”

“I thought about that. But that is kind of like the game telephone. Once it has gone around the world there is no telling what goal it’s morphed into. It could have gone from the innocent “Get a dog” to “get an angry sea bass with lasers., replied the author.”

“Nice Austin Powers reference,” said The Bearded One.

“Thanks I try.“

“Suck-up, “replied Mr.Panama.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find something for you to do.”

“Something with the “conpiracy twins” moniker, hopefully ? “

” I’ll keep it in mind.“

Stay tuned for further developments in the sad lives of our main characters.“

“You’re being kind of harsh with the judgement there.”

“Sorry , I’ll tone it down in the future.”

“Thanks, appreciate it.”

satire, Humor, Pandemic

Corona Virus and the American Psyche.

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The idea of American ingenuity formed long ago when this country was in it’s infancy. It was forged by inventors like Alexander Graham Bell, Sarah Breedlove, George Washington Carver, Thomas Edison, Robert Fulton, Elisha Gray, Beulah Louise Henry, Nikolai Tesla, Heddy Lamar, Grace Hopper….et al…. Nowhere near an exhaustive list but a representative group. You get the picture. We’ve invented a lot of things.

Don’t know some of these people? In the words of my father, “Go look it up.” This is when we had these things called books and some of them were called encyclopedias. There is Google now but check on the source of the information.

We are a country of getting stuff done, now. If we don’t have a way to do it we invent a way. We don’t like to sit around waiting.
If there is a situation that requires waiting, we want to “fix” it.
You may have had a friend or a significant other tell you “I’m not asking you to fix it, I just want you to listen.” For the record , no one ever said that to me 😉 .

Listening is what is needed now folks. Please STHU (Shut The Hell Up*) and listen to the experts.

“But they didn’t know anything when this started.” Not about this virus. They knew a lot of about viruses but not the details of coronavirus. No one did because it was a virus that had not been seen before. It spread unchecked because no one knew anything about it.

Most of us in the general population know little about viruses other than platitudes. Feed a fever and starve a cold? If your nose is cold and wet then, wait , that’s for dogs. Lack of knowledge won’t stop people from pontificating and generating advice to be handed down from their tiny mountain top.

Personally, I believe the psyche of the average person on this planet is susceptible to the Dunning Kreuger effect**. Basically people thinking they’re smarter than they are. Yea and I thought I was the first to identify the phenomenon.

The following people are not experts: Me (shocked?), A friend who works in a Dr’s office, a friend who is in med school, Either you or a friend who reads historical fiction set in the 14th century (The plague, look it up), Someone who ate their Wheaties this morning or stayed in a particular hotel chain.

“Oh, it’s like the flu.” Or “it has a low death rate.”
Greater than 600,000 deaths is acceptable?

Doctors and scientists who specialize in virology are working to estimate the mortality rate of COVID-19. At present, it is thought to be substantially higher (possibly 10 times or more) than that of most strains of the flu***. Over a population of immune compromised people, the rate is much higher.

So if you don’t care about parents, grandparents or your diabetic uncle then don’t worry..

Keep /Start listening to the experts. The CDC is stocked with them.


* My Mom reads these.

** [https://youtu.be/y50i1bI2uN4]

***https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/coronavirus-disease-2019-vs-the-flu

Humor, Political, satire

Must See Tv

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When the election of 2016 had finished I realized that our president elect was not too far removed from his recent TV gig as a reality show host. I thought, “This will be interesting.”
To say the least that was an understatement.


Our conspiracy friends have an interesting take on the man in question and his reality show tendencies…

The dog days of summer had taken a hold of Washington DC like a  lobbyist on a politician. There was hardly any breathing room.

A small breeze from a few ceiling fans waltzed across the sweaty faces of three familiar and only occupants of a certain unassuming neighborhood bar on Capitol Hill.

Mr. Panama * was holding court and was about to reveal what he believes  to be the underlying cause of the wild actions of the currant occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 

Well, the recent actions, this past week.

“You’re pausing for effect aren’t you,” asked the bearded man.

“Of course. Could there be any other reason?” asked Mr Panama.

“That or perhaps the brat you just ate did not agree with you,” replied the bearded one.** 

“No, it’s for effect. May I continue?”

The nondescript bar tender and the bearded one replied in unison, “Please get on with it.”

“All right. So back to my theory that would explain the recent hi-jinks of the current leader of the free world.”

“Yes, we’re on the edge of our stools. Please.”

Do you agree the said occupant is not so far removed from being host of the TV reality show “The Apprentice”.

“I  agree,” replied the bearded one.

“I think he always wanted to be a network TV programming director and I believe that is  the model he is using for his presidency,” said Mr. Panama.

“I don’t watch much TV but I heard a rumor to that effect,” replied the bartender.

“Could you explain further,” asked the bearded one.

“I was about to after adding an additional pause for effect.”

“Any more pauses and the only effect you will observe is the sight of us asleep,” replied the bartender.

“I believe the recent activities of our president were examples of pilots of reality shows he and some of his aids plans on developing for the networks.”

“Which aides are you referring to?” asked the bartender.

“There is no point in naming them. Aids in this administration
are like red shirted Star Trek crew members. Their time in the spotlight won’t be long,” replied Mr. Panama.

“So if they are pilots who is the audience,” asked the bearded one.

“The press and whatever polls are being taken at the time.”

“What if the poles are negative,” asked the bartender. 

“He doesn’t mind that so much because what he is looking at is the percentage of respondents having expressed an opinion. The less he sees with “No opinion” the better. If they have an opinion they’re paying attention. He believes they are the ones that would tune into the show(s).”

“So what are the shows he’s pitching,” asked the bartender

Mr Panama replied, “”So you want to buy an Island?” tested out very well.”

“That Greenland story had a lot of people paying attention.”

“But a lot of them were late night comedians,” added the bearded one.

“Doesn’t matter its free publicity.”

“His other pilot program has been going on for a while with no known name but I think they have a name for it now and it’s called “What is our policy today?

It’s inspired by the Mar-a-lago 3.”

“Who,” asked the bearded one.

“Good friends of his that are members of the Mar-a-largo club.

Supposedly they are directing policy for the Veterans Administration,” replied Mr. Panama.

“The show will consist of successful members of Trump’s outer circle of friends suggesting new policies for random Government agencies.”

“Why are they considered successful?” asked the bearded one.

“Duh, they’re all rich. You should know that by now,” responded Mr. Panama.

“That ought to be interesting ,”  said the  bartender.

“They come up with a new policy and then apply it to a random agency.”

“ That doesn’t seem to be a good strategy,” remarked the bearded one.

 “Shouldn’t they craft a strategy for a particular agency,” asked the bartender.

“Probably but it is good television and the president  knows good television.”

“It will be interesting to see how this theory plays out ,” said the bearded one.

“I can’t wait for sweeps week,” added the bartender.

  • Full name Mr. Panama Hat. See my conspiracy series of blog posts.
  • * This character is only known as “The Bearded One” or ” Bearded One.” Again see the above link.
Humor, satire

Fake Historians and the Loss of Luggage During the Revolutionary War.

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The educational institutes of America are failing us.

How else can we explain the national reaction as one of surprise and vacant looks
when our fearless leader praised the colonial army for defending airports during the revolutionary war? 

How could the concept of air power during the birth of a nation be overlooked?

I’ve entertained quite a few explanations as to how this gap in our collective consciousness could have occurred.  Only one explanation makes sense, fake historians.

The only way to counteract fake historians is to develop an alternate history curriculum.

A peek into a classroom using  such a curriculum might look like this:

“Now class lets do some review for the upcoming history exam. I am going to ask some questions that could be on the test. If you think you know the
answer politely raise your hand.”

“How many candles were used to signal the arrival and mode of transport  of the invading British forces?”

“Yes Dianne, how many.”

“Two miss Simpson.”

“That is incorrect. How about you Katie?”

“Three candles mam.”

“Correct and what did they stand for?”

“One if by land, Two if by Sea and Three if by British Airlines courtesy shuttle.”

“Correct Katie. Certainly less romantic than the vision of Mr. Revere atop a muscular steed galloping through the night but much more pragmatic.”

“Why were the solders cold at valley forge?”

“Yes Bobby.”


“Their winter clothes were in their luggage that was lost making a connection at Ohare airport.”

“Correct Bobby.”

“Can anyone tell me about the stamp act?”

“How about you Jason?”

“New History teaches us that the stamp act was British Airways attempt at redefining their frequent flyer program.”

“Correct and how exactly did they redefine that program?”

“Yes Alicia”

“By resetting everyone’s milage to 0 to avoid pay out to a large number of members that had accumulated enough for any awards.”

“Outstanding Alicia.”

“What do we know about the Boston Tea Party?”

“How about you Simon.”

“New History reveals to us that the Boston Tea Party occurred in the British Airways lounge at Logan International Airport when a large group of frequent flyer members stormed the lounge to assert their right to the use of the lounge under the old frequent miles program.

One additional act of civil disobedience was carried out by the patriots. They stole the lounges entire stock of tea. No one knows exactly became of the tea but many historians believe the large amount of tea was personally used by the patriots involved in the occupancy of the lounge. They point to historical records that suggest that the patriots involved with the siege showed signs of severe insomnia.”

“Very good. Class I am impressed. I believe you will do well on the exam. Also, make sure you are not paying attention to any history books you may have from previous  classes.