Category Archives: Humor

Things that make you LOL

Memories, Humor

A story I once overheard in a bar.

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Remember this was heard in a bar so the truth of it may be highly suspect. That doesn’t stop me from repeating it and cautioning the reader to take it with a grain of salt or in this case one’s favorite libation or bartenders choice. I’ve chosen to obfuscate the tale and tell it in first person so as to give no impression of whom the story is about….

I have a pretty uneventful existence. Well, ignoring a few personal issues. We all have a few minor problems that complicate our lives and so it doesn’t seem unreasonable to discount those when ascertaining the current state of things.

It’s 7:00 am and like all the previous days the alarm on my phone wakes me from the sanctuary that is sleep. Easing out of bed, I get my bearings before making the journey to the shower. I spy a handwritten sticky note on the wall “Shower This Way->” I say “spy” but it’s hard to avoid the 12 inch by 12 inch yellow square clearly written in large Comic Sans font. Apparently I have a lot of time on my hands. I also didn’t realize they made stickies that big.

I find the shower and let the hot water wake me as it cascades down my body. After drying off I exit the bathroom and head towards the spot where I woke up twenty minutes ago. I walk around the bed and to the door marked “Clothes Closet”. Entering it I find myself staring at hangers to the left and right of me. The hangers to the right of me are draped with shirts and the hangers to the left contain slacks.

The shirts are fairly bland. Mostly solid white or solid blue. The entire right side of the closet is dedicated to them. They are arranged in alternating colors. No color ever duplicates it’s neighbor.

The entire left side of the closet is dedicated to dress pants and does not allow any variety. They are all black and all are a cotton polyester blend.
I believe the closet arrangement is created to avoid repetition in consecutive days.

It’s created for someone who’s memory can not be trusted. The other stickies are for the very same reason.
The person with the memory issue is your’s truly.
To be honest its worse than a memory issue, it is really a matter of trust. Trust in my own ability to remember to write down the events of the day in an accurate manner leaving no room for exaggeration, sarcasm or humor.

I had learned the hard way after one particular day when I saw it fitting to use sarcasm, hyperbole and metaphors all in one days summation. I’m still besieged by Volkswagen Beatles crammed with clowns, rubber chickens and “Acme”signs. That’s a story for a different day.

You see I can never be sure if anything I remember is actually real or something my brain created from scratch.
It is what it is. Yes that common platitude falls woefully short providing salve on an open and painful wound. A wound that never heals since it’s reopened daily.

One day I shall take all of my daily notes and distill them into book form. A book of fiction of course because no one would ever believe them as true events.

Remember this was overheard in a bar.

Humor, Political, satire

You may be an Asshat if…(Today’s Guide to the common Asshat)

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American culture is so transient and capricious these days sometimes its hard to tell the asshats from decent folk.
If you are not familiar with the term asshat it is just a less vulgar term for assh***. Your know the word.

There are many forms expressing similar attributes.
AssClown: It still has the ass characteristic but now it takes on a certain level of incompetence as it applies to whatever activity they are taking part in.

AssMoron :Similar to AssClown but they have achieved a much higer level of incompetence than AssClowns.

AssJerk :Does not really exist because the second syllable in the term has much the same meaning as asshat making it redundant.

“Today we focus on the common asshat.
Ive created just the tool you need to determine if someone you know is one. So with no further ado and my apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I give you today’s guide to the common asshat.”

**They may be an asshat ….
If they use the term “woke” and they are not describing the state of someone no longer sleeping.

If they use the term woke and they put air quotes around the word “woke”.

They use the term snowflake in a derogatory manner.
But what Is a derogatory manner?
I’ll call out some guidelines here.

It’s a derogatory manner If the word is being used and does not relate to weather or something that is unique as in “Just like a snowflake is unique in that no other snowflake looks the same, no fingerprint is identical.”

They put the prefix “anti” in front of woke and think it’s a good thing when in fact they have just declared that they are against waking up and plan on sleeping the rest of their adult lives. If only it were true.

They are the same sort of folks that think Antifa is a bad thing even though the largest Antifa group on record was the U.S Armed Forces and their allies during WWII.

They create a new law which begs to have the words “don’t say” in front of it while still defending the first amendment.

They use the abbreviation PC or the term “political correctness” with a sarcastic tone or with air quotes.

They boycott their favorite beer company when the company created a beer can giving props to a transgender media star. They then realize they have no other beer in the house and decide to consume what they had in private. Waste not want not.

Further more, after drinking all of the bad “woke beer” in the house, they pick a “non woke beer” to drink not realizing the beer is made by the same company that owns their formerly favorite beer. In fact that company has 14 different brands of beer so odds are the asshats will end up still supporting a “Woke” company.

They get into a battle of wits with Mickey Mouse and they are woefully unarmed.

The groups that tend to generate asshat behavior at an alarming rate always create new enemies in fake culture wars to further divide this country. Never fear. I will stand at the ready to help you identify new members of this group that collectively I call The Society of Asshats.

Humor

Quit Being an Asshat and wake the F* Up

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You knew I couldn’t just walk away from the whole “Woke” thing without adding to the two cents I’ve already tallied. Albeit with inflation it may be up to a nickel.

Being woke, in addition to the opposite of sleeping has also comes to mean that the woke person is suddenly aware of some long standing social injustice and their inaction has been just as bad as committing it.

The world has been cruel enough in the last three years it doesn’t need any help. Leastwise by folks who are proud to not give a shit and have worn the not woke label with pride. I honestly expect to see t-shirts stating “I’m so not woke I’m unconscious.” 1

We have Governors dedicated to the cause and are using anti-woke as a guideline for governance. You would think importing some other states immigrants so you can fly them up North would scratch your anti-woke itch but what do you do for the rest of your term? Well I guess it makes it easier if you have no brains.

“Governor, looking at our current test scores it is clear we need to focus on improving students performance.”
Do you have any ideas on the matter?”

“Yes we are going through our curriculum and removing any CRT related classes and then removing anything that suggests white folks did anything untowardly.”

“Currently sir there are no CRT classes in the states curriculum.”
“I’ll make sure there won’t be in the future because I have a job to do.”
“Is that job insuring ignorance among our students?”

“If that what it takes to be anti-woke than I say we should celebrate ignorance. That may be my campaign slogan.”2




Humor, Political, satire, Television

The secret lives of George Santos(Kept on the down-low)

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“Yea, see that supermodel on TV. I just broke up with her but keep that on the down-low. The kid is still a bit heartbroken but she’ll get over it.”

“”Why” you ask? Well, I met someone new and I’m just a one woman man.”

“”Who” you say? Well, you’d be surprised. You may know her as Halle Berry.”

“Oh, she’s involved you say? Yes of course she is. With me.
That other guy is just to throw off the paparazzi. She’s keeping me on the down-low.”

“Besides how could she turn down someone who’s independently wealthy and offers his espionage services pro bono to his country.”

“What? You’ve never heard of me? “

“For both those efforts I don’t like to be in the spotlight. Yes that’s it. I’m keeping it on the down-low.”

“What am I doing in DC?” I’m um, dropping by the Holocaust museum to check their records to make sure a uh, a cousin once removed is listed. Yea that’s the ticket.”

“Yes very tragic.”

“How long am I in DC?”

“Well a couple more days. I’m, um, checking into running for office. Yea, that’s the ticket.

“Oh no, not the Presidency but for a Senate office. My resume needs to be “beefed up” before I attempt a run for President. There are some useful skills I need to make up experience, um, acquire, before I run for President.”

“Stop! This is why I wanted to run through your monologue,” a befuddled Lorne Michaels uttered.

“This sounds too much like a Jon Lovitz liar routine. You won’t fool anyone.”

“You’d be surprised Mr. Michaels but that’s alright I can go in another direction.

“Great thanks let’s take a short break for lunch and well start with your new stuff. You know if the entertainment business doesn’t work out you might give politics a go at it.”

“Thanks I’ll keep that in mind but keep that on the down-low.”

There is no known record of George Santos ever auditioning for Saturday Night Live but don’t be surprised if it turns up on his resume in the future.

Humor

Pioneers No More

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We are a far cry from the early pioneers that settled this country.
If any lessons can be learned from the last couple of years is that we as a nation are far removed from the sturdy pioneer stock that settled this country. Thankfully, for the most part, we no longer have to be of that stock. I suppose there is a possibility that we might have to colonize Mars or some other planet in the near future. Heaven help us. I can imagine some of the headlines that would be generated in such an effort.

“Angry women almost kills self when yelling about the tight fit of her space helmet.”
“It was hectic as we were preparing for landing and there was a brief moment I pondered not stopping her when she tried to loosen the seal on her helmet.” Said space flight attendant Fred Granby. “But then I thought about life in prison if I was charged with complicity and just thinking about it was going to give me nightmares.
Still, I did briefly pause when she yelled something about her rights.”
The unfazed man in the neighboring seat calmly stated. “Space travel does not come without risk.”

“Family learns painful lesson.”
The last words of space settler Stanley Simmons were “I am not a sheep and I will not put my helmet on.”
He uttered these words just before he exited the oxygenated confines of New Chicago. Mrs Simmons stated, “Yes it’s tragic but fortunately in this case he always had to be the first out the door. You can bet your Aunt Fanny I and the children made sure we had our helmets on. Sadly he is not around for me to tell him I was right. “

The training and testing for future space pioneers will probably instill a pioneer spirit in them or Darwin will weed them out.

Humor

I Miss Myself

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I miss myself. The pre pandemic and post retired me.
It was a brief moment but I really liked myself that one year.
I had even tossed out my overvalued work ethic that was me just being mean to myself. To be honest it was only overvalued by me but I still don’t understand the concept of quiet quitting.

Currently when I work on something important I still havea bit of my old work ethic. Which is ok, although in my retirement phase I am doing some work for a non profit and I could see myself putting on my cape and being heroic. Fortunately the dry cleaners ruined my last cape. Over working myself for charity is much better than making money for someone else.

I was happy go lucky. That is and of itself is out of character.


Just ask anyone who knows me to describe me and I guarantee “happy” and “lucky” are two words that are never mentioned in their reply unless the phrase “not very” precede them .

If only I had done some traveling that year but I needed to decompress after overworking myself for the greater glory of a strong work ethic for over 30 years. Well I guess since I’ve worked since I was 15 it was really like close to 40 years.

I have now determined that “strong” in this instance meant insane.
I thought I’d start up some traveling right after the decompression was complete but COVID happened and it became political, people started to believe in stupid conspiracy theories and died.

For the most part I can start traveling now but with some restrictions. China is still off the itinerary. Apparently they are still running around like a chicken with its head cut off due to a resurgence of COVID. Incidentally I’m not sure they have ruled out headless chickens as the cause. That is a joke. Please don’t add that to the poison stew that is Q.

Poland is on my list of places to travel to as well as Ireland. They are the countries of my ancestors. Unfortunately that asshat Putin invaded the Ukraine. Since the people of Poland are neighbors they have to be a bit nervous. I don’t know, they may hate the Russians as much or more than the people of Ukraine so maybe its anger they feel. I believe at this moment Ireland is safe enough to visit as long as you don’t bring up religion. Don’t get me started, no really you don’t have to, I’m a self starter.

Either way its not a good time to visit Poland with the a fore mentioned asshat lobbing missiles left and right with no great concern for civilian life. For those of you in sympathy with Putin, WTF is wrong with you. But I digress that is a rant left for another day and my “Old Guy Ranting” series. Which is a fairly large category.

Alas I can only sit in repose and muse about that one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and assHats.

That may be a good name for an angry heavy metal band. COVID and Asshats that is , not “one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and asshats.” While it does have some cachet it wouldn’t fit on any marque announcing their gig.

As you were….

Humor, Social Media

I Now Pronounce You an Influencer

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Social media has brought us the age of the “influencer”.

Yes there are people who actually list their occupation as social media influencer.

Before they came along the only time I heard the word “influence” it was preceded by the word “bad” and it was used by authority figures when expressing disappointment at my choice of people I hung out with. That of course was when I was a reckless youth. I’ve changed since getting older. Now I’m a reckless adult.

More than 3.4 billion people actively use social media – that’s 45% of the world’s population. That’s a crap ton of people interested in a variety of things from the common to the WTF. Some of the WTFs are that because you never heard of whatever they are interested in pushing and some are WTF because WKD ( what kind of deviant) would be into such a thing.

Social Media loves acronyms. Ive found that, since retirement, my need for acronyms which was satisfied by my profession is now is being satisfied by social media.

Thanks Social media. The previous sentence brought to you by the noun sarcasm. If it sounds like I am saying something positive it’s probably sarcasm.

My research hasn’t been deep. It’s much more fun to make crude remarks and shallow observations based on very little knowledge whatsoever. Isn’t that what social media is all about? The research came to a halt when I discovered the “dead body guy.” 3

This is a man who poses as a dead body in various locations in the few poses that are available to dead bodies. One would think the entertainment factor would grow old after five or six appearances but this guy has done hundreds or so “crime scenes”.

He performs this amazing feat in hopes of influencing television and movie producers who may be looking to cast a dead body.

I laughed for quite a while or at least until I found out that he was successful and just signed on to do an episode of one of the CSI franchises.

I’m not sure which CSI show but it’s too bad CSI Miami is off the air. The look on David Caruso’s face when he whips off his sunglasses seems like a face a person would make when discovering a body that has been there a while. Good luck in your career “Dead Body Guy”.

Humor, Writing

Responding to The Quotes of Known Writers: The Sequel (AKA Yes, I was a class clown)

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I just had so much fun I had to do it again.

Before you ask the answer is yes. Yes, I am a wise-ass and yes I was a class clown. Social media is a great outlet for me.

Here is another look at some quotes on writing by well known writers and my comments in response.

“We’re past the age of heroes and hero kings. … Most of our lives are basically mundane and dull, and it’s up to the writer to find ways to make them interesting.”
—John Updike


“What about writers whose lives are mundane and dull? I need to up my game and cultivate some really bad habits.”
-Dan

“Each writer is born with a repertory company in his head. Shakespeare has perhaps 20 players. … I have 10 or so, and that’s a lot. As you get older, you become more skillful at casting them.”
—Gore Vidal

“I also have a company of players in my head. I’ve lost track of the number but my psychiatrist is keeping a running total.”
-Dan

‘When I sit down to write a book, I do not say to myself, ‘I am going to produce a work of art.’ I write it because there is some lie that I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention, and my initial concern is to get a hearing.”
—George Orwell

“When I sit down to write a book. I say to myself I am going to tell a big lie. It’s a lie because hell I write fiction.”
-Dan

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as he finishes the book.”
-Roald Dahl.

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as he doesn’t find out where I live.”
-Dan

“If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it. Or, if proper usage gets in the way, it may have to go. I can’t allow what we learned in English composition to disrupt the sound and rhythm of the narrative.”
—Elmore Leonard

“I learned nothing in English composition so I have that going for me.”
-Dan

“Write. Rewrite. When not writing or rewriting, read. I know of no shortcuts.”
—Larry L. King

“Write. Rewrite. Read. Hey, how am I supposed to find time to drink?”
-Dan

“Remember: Plot is no more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.”
—Ray Bradbury

“My plots look like a great violent struggle occurred in the snow and then someones dog came by and peed on it.”
-Dan

Humor

Brief thoughts on writing (my reaction to great literary minds)

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Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,”

-I’m afraid that one day I will discover the hard way that I am a hemophiliac and write my own ending.

Ursula K. LeGuin

“Writing makes no noise, except groans, and it can be done everywhere, and it is done alone.”

– ….and you can’t get arrested for it, not yet.

Robert Heinlein

“Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.”

-Am I doing it wrong?

Sedaris

“Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.”

-Just leave your stuff at home people. You have too fricking much of it. (I just added “fricking” to my dictionary. It might as well learn it and stop bothering me.)

Franz Kafka

“Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself.”

-I have nothing to add. He lived a tragic life and who am I to pile on.

Henry Miller

“Writing is its own reward.”

-Ok, he had a lot of sex with hot women and it influenced his writing. I have a hard time thinking that he did it solely for the reward of writing. Any hot actresses want to have an affair with me? Really, I am just trying to become a better writer.

Doris Lessing

“I’ve always disliked words like ‘inspiration.’ Writing is probably like a scientist thinking about some scientific problem or an engineer about an engineering problem.”

-Um, no. Sorry Doris, I was an engineer for over thirty years and it’s nothing like writing. Inspiration is definitely appropriate when it comes to writing. Hey I stayed away from the word “fricking”.

Harlan Ellison

“People on the outside think there’s something magical about writing, that you go up in the attic at midnight and cast the bones and come down in the morning with a story, but it isn’t like that. You sit in back of the typewriter and you work, and that’s all there is to it.”

-Now you tell me, what do I do with all the bones in my loft?

Catherine Drinker Bowen

“Writing, I think, is not apart from living. Writing is a kind of double living. The writer experiences everything twice. Once in reality and once in that mirror which waits always before or behind.”

-Um, no. If I were experiencing anything close to what I write about I wouldn’t be writing fiction. I couldn’t write about my life. Living it once is putting me to sleep.

Jules Renard

“Writing is the only way to talk without being interrupted.”

-Well they didn’t have duct tape back then.


Jules Renard (Yea he was prolific when it came to useless thoughts)

“The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.”

-I don’t think there is anything wrong with giving excuses. Is it wrong to say “I won’t be hungry two weeks from now”? Beats the hell out of directly insulting the chef.

Perhaps one day my words will inspire people….to get me committed.

This may become a series, or not. It could go either way.

Humor

Inventing Stupidity (Caution: Good search engine optimization practices are ignored because the author assumes you are smart.)

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The technology we create is driving us towards stupidity.
We have smart phones, smart TVs and smart cars.
We are developing smart products quicker than we kill off brain cells.

I am not sure, there may be a causal relationship between the two. Drinking while using a cell phone probably doubles down on the loss.

The more we don’t have to do for ourselves the more things we can forget and then just plain can’t do anymore.
Do you remember important phone numbers? No of course not because your smart phone does it for you. Just don’t lose it without backing up those numbers because your brain won’t help you out. Without having to use those numbers you might as well make them up and the woman you keep calling Aunt Edna is going to have some some questions for you.

Maybe we need to work on smart humans.
There are many indications that we should have started on that years ago.


What indications are that Dan? (Sorry, it’s a habit I developed during the Covid-19 lock down. Hey at least I’ve stopped answering out loud.)

Some indications are glaringly obvious and others we are not aware of until something is needed like the aforementioned phone numbers.

On to the obvious clue captain.

One obvious indication is the spread of conspiracy theories. Never have so many people believed in outlandish accusations not supported by any facts.

Sure some of the blame falls on the ease in which “alternative facts”spread on the internet but according to experts those that are the most apt to believe in conspiracy theories lack critical thinking skills.

Did they always lack them or did laziness caused by smart technology overcome any critical thinking skills they had.

I believe the contagion factor is also helped along by good SEO (Search Engine Optimization ) practices which dictates that internet articles be short and easy to understand. I use a writing app that analyzes something I’ve written and identifies problems if one wants to appeal to the general population. One of those problems is that the writing is too difficult to read. What is too difficult you might ask? Any writing above a seventh grade level is your answer. That is the education level of the average American adult.

We are not doing anyone a favor by not challenging them to use a dictionary or dictionary App to those who have never heard there is a book for that. Maybe the word dictionary is above a seventh grade level? I for one am purposely not following good SEO practices. This article is considered difficult to read by SEO standards.