Tag Archives: Washington DC

Humor, Political, satire

Must See Tv

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When the election of 2016 had finished I realized that our president elect was not too far removed from his recent TV gig as a reality show host. I thought, “This will be interesting.”
To say the least that was an understatement.


Our conspiracy friends have an interesting take on the man in question and his reality show tendencies…

The dog days of summer had taken a hold of Washington DC like a  lobbyist on a politician. There was hardly any breathing room.

A small breeze from a few ceiling fans waltzed across the sweaty faces of three familiar and only occupants of a certain unassuming neighborhood bar on Capitol Hill.

Mr. Panama * was holding court and was about to reveal what he believes  to be the underlying cause of the wild actions of the currant occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 

Well, the recent actions, this past week.

“You’re pausing for effect aren’t you,” asked the bearded man.

“Of course. Could there be any other reason?” asked Mr Panama.

“That or perhaps the brat you just ate did not agree with you,” replied the bearded one.** 

“No, it’s for effect. May I continue?”

The nondescript bar tender and the bearded one replied in unison, “Please get on with it.”

“All right. So back to my theory that would explain the recent hi-jinks of the current leader of the free world.”

“Yes, we’re on the edge of our stools. Please.”

Do you agree the said occupant is not so far removed from being host of the TV reality show “The Apprentice”.

“I  agree,” replied the bearded one.

“I think he always wanted to be a network TV programming director and I believe that is  the model he is using for his presidency,” said Mr. Panama.

“I don’t watch much TV but I heard a rumor to that effect,” replied the bartender.

“Could you explain further,” asked the bearded one.

“I was about to after adding an additional pause for effect.”

“Any more pauses and the only effect you will observe is the sight of us asleep,” replied the bartender.

“I believe the recent activities of our president were examples of pilots of reality shows he and some of his aids plans on developing for the networks.”

“Which aides are you referring to?” asked the bartender.

“There is no point in naming them. Aids in this administration
are like red shirted Star Trek crew members. Their time in the spotlight won’t be long,” replied Mr. Panama.

“So if they are pilots who is the audience,” asked the bearded one.

“The press and whatever polls are being taken at the time.”

“What if the poles are negative,” asked the bartender. 

“He doesn’t mind that so much because what he is looking at is the percentage of respondents having expressed an opinion. The less he sees with “No opinion” the better. If they have an opinion they’re paying attention. He believes they are the ones that would tune into the show(s).”

“So what are the shows he’s pitching,” asked the bartender

Mr Panama replied, “”So you want to buy an Island?” tested out very well.”

“That Greenland story had a lot of people paying attention.”

“But a lot of them were late night comedians,” added the bearded one.

“Doesn’t matter its free publicity.”

“His other pilot program has been going on for a while with no known name but I think they have a name for it now and it’s called “What is our policy today?

It’s inspired by the Mar-a-lago 3.”

“Who,” asked the bearded one.

“Good friends of his that are members of the Mar-a-largo club.

Supposedly they are directing policy for the Veterans Administration,” replied Mr. Panama.

“The show will consist of successful members of Trump’s outer circle of friends suggesting new policies for random Government agencies.”

“Why are they considered successful?” asked the bearded one.

“Duh, they’re all rich. You should know that by now,” responded Mr. Panama.

“That ought to be interesting ,”  said the  bartender.

“They come up with a new policy and then apply it to a random agency.”

“ That doesn’t seem to be a good strategy,” remarked the bearded one.

 “Shouldn’t they craft a strategy for a particular agency,” asked the bartender.

“Probably but it is good television and the president  knows good television.”

“It will be interesting to see how this theory plays out ,” said the bearded one.

“I can’t wait for sweeps week,” added the bartender.

  • Full name Mr. Panama Hat. See my conspiracy series of blog posts.
  • * This character is only known as “The Bearded One” or ” Bearded One.” Again see the above link.
Humor, satire

The Art of The Conspiracy

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In a dimly lit bar ensconced in the chill of a capitol hill winter afternoon, sit three men.

 

 

They are holding an impromptu meeting in light of some unexpected events. The three do not know each other but of each other. That’s the way this deal goes down.
That’s the way they like it. That’s the way it needs to be.

The first one to speak, with some reluctance, was the bearded one.

“If you recall, our most recent meeting discussed giving guidance, mentoring if you will, to a known public figure that may have desired to concoct a conspiracy involving a yet to be identified public figure.”

“I thought we knew who he was and what he wanted,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Shut your trap, you know he likes to dramatize for effect,” whispered Mr Panama.

“Well , we do know the man and certainly the world knows him, “ replied the bearded one.

“ To summarize, part of our council was to advise against direct involvement. Instead, we strongly suggested conspiracy by proxy, that he go through a third party to mechanize events.”
“Mechanize? Has he been watching too many mob movies?” uttered the unassuming bartender.

“Well, if he has do you really want to make him angry?” whispered Mr. Panama.

“Excellent point.”

“Well,” continued the bearded one. “It seems said public figure has ignored our advice and taken direct action. We are here to discuss potential fallout and can we say plausible deniability.”

“Um, yes, we can, um, I can,” answered the nondescript bartender.

“That wasn’t a question you dolt,” interjected Mr. Panama.

“Of course. I knew that. Hey, can I have a better name,” asked the nondescript bartender.

“No, as a member of a conspiracy, nondescript is perfect. It is , well, nondescript,” replied Mr.Panama. “That does remind me of a similar issue. Mr Bearded One, For clarities sake can I suggest we give those involved more distinct monikers?”

“Monikers? Did you just get a thesaurus,” asked the bartender.

“Yea, I’m improving myself. You gotta problem?

“No, It’s just an observation.”

“Distinct Monikers,” echoed the Bearded one. “Yes, we can do that. Let’s call the person seeking advice “pompadour.” His recently identified subject of the conspiracy will be called “the judge.”

“Oh, the picture is becoming clearer now,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Good because I thought I was going to have to do a paint by numbers thing with you two,” mumbled the bearded one.”

“It’s all over the news. How could we not connect the dots,” stated Mr. Panama.
“Yes, which is precisely the problem,” replied the Bearded One. “We need to make sure
we are insulated.”

“Refresh my memory. How did he get a hold of us in the first place,” asked the Bartender.

“A sandwich delivery with shall we say a little fiber,” replied the Bearded One.

“Oh, the old note in the sandwich trick,” said the Bartender.

“Yes but delivered to one of our couriers who then delivered it to the Bearded One,” added Mr Panama.

“So we are untraceable?”

“We should be,” said the Bearded One.

Just then the front door burst open and on its heals followed the last of the winter sun.

A silhouette appeared in the doorway in the shape of a man who could have been Elvis or some other guy with a pompadour.

“Oh no,” uttered Mr. Panama.

“How did you find us?” asked the barman.

“I just asked around for the best Margaritas on Capitol hill,” replied the new but confused arrival.”

“What’s with the miniature poodle on your head,” asked the barman.

“Oh, I let her do that as a puppy. Now it’s the only way she’ll go anywhere with me.

Humor

Who’s On First ( The Perfect Conspiracy Theory Continued)

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In a neighborhood pub in the shadow of the Nations Capitol an unassuming bartender stood post behind the bar. In one hand was a dishtowel and in the other was the same pint glass he had been polishing for the last hour.

   The bar had a supply of clean glasses that could survive several friday nights of fraternity parties but it was what people expected of bartenders.He was all about service.

It was at times like these his imagination tended to escape the shadows of the murky pub and explore the boundaries of reality.

The bartender glanced up at the clock on the wall and noticed that it was about time for a visit from the bearded one. Right on cue the door opened and a shaft of afternoon light barged its way in outlining the man he only knew as the bearded one. When the door had closed and the sunburnt silhouette had faded from his retina he found the bearded man standing in front of him while he waited for his next conspiratorial proclamation.

“My sources say the penny ruse is run amok and the stage is set for Cabal phase 2. I shan’t stay for a beer. I must be off,” said the bearded one and in the blink of an eye he was gone.

Oh I think you already are, thought the bartender.

Mr. Panama will be happy to hear the news. There was no telling when he would show up. Mr. Panama prided himself on his unpredictability.

Mr. Panama often said that he did not live his life in patterns so as to be impossible to follow. The bartender thought Mr Panama lived in a multitude of dimensions but reality wasn’t one of them.

The bartender returned the glass to the shelf and started on another one.

The sound of throat clearing caught his attention and he turned around and low and behold Mr Panama had silently appeared sitting at the bar. I hate when he does that, he thought.

“Has the bearded on been here today,” asked Mr. Panama.

“That would be a yes,” replied the bartender.

“Did he have recent news pertaining to our mutual venture,“ asked Mr. Panama.

“Oh the cabal?”

“Ix nay on the abal cay”, whispered the panama wearing one.

“Oh I’m sorry. Yes, he said something to the effect of “the penny ruse is run amok and the stage is set for Cabal phase 2. I shan’t stay for a beer. I must be off.””

“Very well but I’m confused about the beer part.”

“Well, he couldn’t stay for a beer. I should have left that bit out.”

“Yes, well it sounds like he believes the true goal is really the misdirection. “

“Oh, that’s bad.”

“Au contraire, that is good.”

“It is?”

“Yes. Remember that our main goal really is to keep the penny in circulation.”

“Oh, that is not the diversion?”

“No. The beauty of the plan is that the diversion is the goal.”

“But isn’t Mr. Beard part of the conspiracy?”

“Well yes and no.”

“Oh. Well, who’s on first?”

“Pardon?” replied Mr. Panama.

“Sorry, I’m just a little confused.”

“Mr. Beard is part of the plan. He plays the role of the unwitting conspirator.”

“Oh. Yes, of course.”

     And I must be playing the role of the unwitting bartender, he thought as he returned the newly polished glass to the shelf.

“Now that that is settled. I shan’t stay. I must be off,” said Mr. Panama

The barmen turned around and noticed that the man had left without a sound. Even the squeaky door was silent.

The barman shook his head and thought “Who’s On First” was much easier to follow. How did I get involved with this charade? I think they both must be off.