Tag Archives: pandemic

Humor, satire

a mission from God

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Today is a special day in the afterlife and
Herbert could feel excitement in the air. He was working the
front gate again. He called it the concierge desk. It gave him a sense of importance. The big guy said the afterlife is not the place for a class system. We are all equal here. Herbert understood but he really just wanted to wear a cool hat. God said he would look into the possibility of a hat.

Hat or not he felt excited. Today God would give a wake up call to the people of earth. Global climate change is real and caused by man. They already see the effects but are not addressing it with the urgency it deserves.

Herbert had put together a list of people he called influencers. He got the idea from social media but a large social media presence is not required. They could be well connected to various groups in their community the old fashioned way, networking.

When he had the list God would prematurely and temporarily call them home. While here they will be told they are going back but not before being shown into a special “sense-around” theater. This theater was more than huge speakers like the sad human attempts in the [70’s]. No, this is a theater that can deliver actual tidal waves, blasts of arctic air, the intense heat of forest fires, mud slides and hurricane strength winds. How? Come on, he’s God.

These people will be woke to the imminent danger of global warming and then sent back to tell the masses to get their “shit” together or they be doomed. Earth would survive. Humans however would be doomed.

Yes God said “shit”among a sundry other curse words in many different languages.

“Sometimes polite words don’t carry the proper amount of weight.”

Herbert decided to check and make sure the theater was ready to “wake-up some people.”

Before he realized it he had just walked past the entrance to the Sensatorium. Yes, The Sensatorium. Not a great name but better than the original name God wanted ,”The Feel-around”. That would have been an HR nightmare.

It took some delicate discussions with the big guy on why “Feel-around” may cause trouble.

People would take it literally and be sent to purgatory 1.

Herbert went back to the Sensatorium and peered inside. He saw nothing. “Holly Roses Moses.” Nobody here and there was nothing set up. He popped next door to resolve this issue right away.

“YES?”
” I hate to disturb you sir but we have a situation.”
“OH, DON’T TELL ME IT’S THE THEATER NAME AGAIN.”
“No sir, Sensatorium is just fine. The problem is the theater is
not setup “

“WELL OF COURSE IT ISN’T. WE WON’T BE USING THE SENSATORIUM FOR A WHILE. DID YOU NOT RECEIVE MY THOUGHT MEMO?”

“To tell the truth sir my mind is foggy lately. It’s quite possible I misplaced it. I need a break. I’m working overtime due to the pandemic .

“THE PANDEMIC IS THE REASON WHY WE ARE POSTPONING THE AWAKENING. WE CAN’T CALL THOSE PEOPLE BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PANDEMIC. BAD FORM. THAT WOULD BE PILING ON. WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE PANDEMIC SUBSIDES.”


“Sage advice sir.”


YEA, THAT COMES WITH THE WHOLE GOD THING.

“Any idea when the Pandemic will subside sir.”

“WELL IT’S WHEN HERD IMMUNITY IS ACHIEVED .

“When is that sir?”

“WORST CASE SCENARIO IS WHEN 90% OF THE WORLD POPULATION HAS EITHER BEEN VACCINATED AND/OR EXPOSED TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

ONE OF THE BIG BUMPS IS THE UNITED STATES. TOO MANY STUBBORN, SELFISH AND/OR UNINFORMED CONSPIRACY NUTS IN THAT COUNTRY. BUT THEY WILL ARRIVE AT 90% EVENTUALLY.


“What makes you so sure sir?”

TOOL-WISE, IN ADDITION TO VACCINATION THERE IS DYING. WE’LL ACHIEVE IT.

“Yes we will sir.”

 

satire, Humor, Pandemic

Corona Virus and the American Psyche.

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The idea of American ingenuity formed long ago when this country was in it’s infancy. It was forged by inventors like Alexander Graham Bell, Sarah Breedlove, George Washington Carver, Thomas Edison, Robert Fulton, Elisha Gray, Beulah Louise Henry, Nikolai Tesla, Heddy Lamar, Grace Hopper….et al…. Nowhere near an exhaustive list but a representative group. You get the picture. We’ve invented a lot of things.

Don’t know some of these people? In the words of my father, “Go look it up.” This is when we had these things called books and some of them were called encyclopedias. There is Google now but check on the source of the information.

We are a country of getting stuff done, now. If we don’t have a way to do it we invent a way. We don’t like to sit around waiting.
If there is a situation that requires waiting, we want to “fix” it.
You may have had a friend or a significant other tell you “I’m not asking you to fix it, I just want you to listen.” For the record , no one ever said that to me 😉 .

Listening is what is needed now folks. Please STHU (Shut The Hell Up*) and listen to the experts.

“But they didn’t know anything when this started.” Not about this virus. They knew a lot of about viruses but not the details of coronavirus. No one did because it was a virus that had not been seen before. It spread unchecked because no one knew anything about it.

Most of us in the general population know little about viruses other than platitudes. Feed a fever and starve a cold? If your nose is cold and wet then, wait , that’s for dogs. Lack of knowledge won’t stop people from pontificating and generating advice to be handed down from their tiny mountain top.

Personally, I believe the psyche of the average person on this planet is susceptible to the Dunning Kreuger effect**. Basically people thinking they’re smarter than they are. Yea and I thought I was the first to identify the phenomenon.

The following people are not experts: Me (shocked?), A friend who works in a Dr’s office, a friend who is in med school, Either you or a friend who reads historical fiction set in the 14th century (The plague, look it up), Someone who ate their Wheaties this morning or stayed in a particular hotel chain.

“Oh, it’s like the flu.” Or “it has a low death rate.”
Greater than 600,000 deaths is acceptable?

Doctors and scientists who specialize in virology are working to estimate the mortality rate of COVID-19. At present, it is thought to be substantially higher (possibly 10 times or more) than that of most strains of the flu***. Over a population of immune compromised people, the rate is much higher.

So if you don’t care about parents, grandparents or your diabetic uncle then don’t worry..

Keep /Start listening to the experts. The CDC is stocked with them.


* My Mom reads these.

** [https://youtu.be/y50i1bI2uN4]

***https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/coronavirus-disease-2019-vs-the-flu

Humor

Hurray for 2021

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Written on the cusp of a new year.
This story brings together characters introduced in previous blog posts. The links to those are referenced upon their first mention.

The pandemic and its accompanying lock-down(s) has worn my sense of humor down to the size of a putt putt pencil. Therefore this post is not full of my usual jocularity. Yea I know.  Can someone who uses the word “jocularity” be very funny?


The fog that seemed to enshroud my mind
is finally giving way to lucid thoughts between periods of confusion and insanity.


When : Last Week
Where : The fertile imagination of the author.

(Hey if he says it’s fertile then it’s fertile. This will go a lot smoother if you just capitulate right now)

Locations: Various sets are littered throughout the authors mind, or is it sets littered with the authors mind? It could go either way at this point.

Location 1: A familiar but empty pub on Capitol Hill.

A few specters, male in form, briefly occupy the pub. They are accompanied by a few feeble voices having a conversation debating the propriety and danger of governing predicated upon conspiracy theories.


“But our conspiracy theories were for fun and no one took them seriously, ” Said the bearded man.

“I agree. No one ever died over a penny, millions of pennies maybe but never a penny,” replied Mr. Panama.

The nondescript bartender chimed in, “There have always been conspiracy theories and people that believe them.”

“True, but what if the world was on the same party line.”

“What do you mean by party line?”

“That is what the internet has become for those who people have said are “great thinkers.” (The phrase”Great thinkers “brought to you by the noun sarcasm.)

“Hurray for 2021“

The sound of static is heard as the pub disappears and fuzzy visions of toys come into focus.

“So remind me again why we are quarantined,” asked Yo.

“Because some kids in the shelter tested positive for COVID,” replied Xena.

“Yea but we can’t die from it. You said it yourself,” replied Yo.

“No we can’t but we can be carriers.”


“Well yea but the children probably won’t die.”

“Rather cavalier of you. What if they were your kids or your parents?”

“Yea, that’s bad. I see your point.”

“Hurray for 2021.“

Location 2: The Pearly Gates.


Both Herbert and St. Peter are working at the welcome desk and each are manning their own line. The pandemic has been hell on heaven. Hell is no picnic either but Hell is always hell.

Herbert paused before servicing the next arrival.
“I wish people would wear their damn masks.”A glare from Peter forced an apology from Herbert.
“I’m sorry St. Pete.”

“Have I mentioned that I prefer Peter.”

“Um, yes sir.”

” I will let the “damn” go for now because these are difficult times. People not wearing their damn masks is not helping.”

People, just wear your damn masks.


“Hurray for 2021.” Alright we get it. The author is glad 2021 is here.


If you missed the character links

Mr. Panama, The bearded one and the nondescript bartender were introduced in an earlier blog posting [https://thesoundoflaughter.wordpress.com/2016/02/21/the-art-of-the-conspiracy/]


Yo and Xena were introduced in this posting.
[https://thesoundoflaughter.wordpress.com/2013/12/11/black-friday-a-different-perspective/]


Herbert was introduced in this posting.
[http://thesoundoflaughter.com/its-that-season-already/]










Humor, Pandemic

Lock Down 2020(Dans Log)

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I am now journaling daily. It’s an attempt to document the screwed up times we are living in, i.e. lock down. I would also be lying if I said it was not a coping mechanism. What follows is an excerpt.

05/01/2020
I feel like my time in lock down has been forever and that time outside of my condo2 continues to march on as I languish within.
Will post lock down greet us with an inoculation for COVID-19?
If I choose to be reckless and venture out doors is my cell frozen at March 25, 2020, BC 3 or does it catch up to current time? Personally the way things are going I may want to skip straight to 2021. Actually, I think 2022 is the safer bet.

05/03/2020
Because I live in Boulder, a blip in the time space continuum would not be out of the question. Actually, we have had in influx of what appears to be normal people in Longmont and some bleed out into Boulder. The odds of the existence of a time and space discontinuity is now negligible.

Up to this point, everything I had originally written in this log is intact. The rest of this post is from scratch. I believe the former was amusing in an “old guy get off my lawn” way but not needed right now.

My outlook for the remainder of the month is one of hope.
I hope people will be more cautious if and when they do go outside.
I’ve been wearing a mask when ever I go out because there is a high probability I’ll run into someone who is convinced they are immune. As human beings, sometimes we can be “dumb, panicky dangerous animals” (Men In Black 1997).

I hope spraying a disinfectant around me is not considered by law an assault on those less than 6 feet (1.83 meters) away.

I hope everyone makes it to 2022 unscathed.

I hope more people see this as a time to unite 4 .
We’ve already proven that we know how divide and I’m not talking about Math.
Sadly, we are excellent at it. We need to work on a different skill. The skill of coming together.

Humor

Pandemic: This too shall pass.

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Life at the moment feels rather tenuous. This too shall pass.
Photos published during the pandemic  show stark empty cities resembling scenes from a Twilight Zone episode.  I believe  that most people are getting the message.

In my heart of hearts, I know that we will be done with this in the not too distant future.

The pandemic will reach a crescendo.

We will frolic in the sun once again.

That may have been the first time I have used the word frolic, ever.  I’ve only seen the word used in conjunction with children and animals. After the pandemic, I am damn sure that my activities will be described as frolicking.

I will frolic my way to the store.

I will frolic while hiking the many trails of this awesome state.

I am going to frolic so damn much just watching me will be considered frolicking.

The coronavirus will not die out altogether, so say the experts.
We will have to remain cautious and that’s fine. Cautious is a good adjective to be applied to life after a pandemic.

I can frolic with caution. It’s still frolicking.

Humor

The Great Derrière Expansion of 2019/2020 (Can You Spare a Square?)

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     I thought I was ready for this pandemic. It was a nice thought while it lasted (about 20 seconds). I checked  on my supplies and  created a list of a few items that I needed. 

Item                                                Quantity                                     State

Soup                                    2 packets of onion soup.       Probably need soup
                                                 I’m sure they’re old but
                                                 its soup for christ sakes.                                  

Milk                                         1/2 quart of milk.                            Need Milk.

Toilet Paper                               Seven rolls.                                    Plenty.

A couple of thoughts came to mind.

1) I Shouldn’t have shaved the beard. It was a good source of leftovers.
2) I seemed to have seen a story about toilet paper (TP). Something about a shortage?

     I double checked my trusty internet sources and yes I had to stifle a grin as I wrote this. Low and behold there were several hundred stories about stores out  of all TP.  Yes,  every single roll of TP on store shelves. I am not sure if facial tissue, napkins and paper towels were part of the collateral damage.

What are people doing with all of the toilet paper?

     I was perplexed. Why were people buying TP in quantities befitting the US First Infantry Division (Big Red One)? The last I heard the Big Red One was stationed in Ft Riley Kansas.
I’m pretty sure if they were buying up TP they would clean out the stock of Kansas stores and not those of neighboring states.

     “What we are dealing with here is uncharted.” Thats the last thing I want to hear from a toilet paper manufacturer but that’s what we heard from toilet paper manufacturers this past week.

Unchartered  sounds like they got lost on the way to Charmin Island.

     I can see why they were at a loss. They probably have metrics associated with the average American derrier size, the average American diet (fiber and so forth) and the number of average American meals consumed in a 24 hour period.

    They kept recalculating their numbers and offering alternate theories but  could only come up with one good explanation, hoarding.

I have an alternate theory (read a more amusing one). I believe the size of the average American derrier has tripled since Christmas. The cause of course is the consumption of massive amounts of food and drink during the holidays. 

Excluding the derrier expansion theory, there is no way an average healthy individual could actually use the entire TP stock of a store in three weeks time (the current lockdown time in Boulder).

I had to admit the hoarding theory was the only reason that made sense.

So back to my inventory. Did I have enought TP?

I double checked my current stock and I had 7 rolls not including the two currently deployed in the bathrooms. Yes, I am healthy and my derrier is not that big (TMI?). 

My TP supply is just fine and that’s a good thing.  The stores seem to be going through it like poop through a goose.

 I have only one parting thought for those hoarding toilet paper. Actually, I have many more thoughts but I need to work on my vocabulary. It does not include enough synonyms for assHat. I try to avoid being repetitive in my writing.

For the few who actually use a biblical* amount of TP in 3 weeks may I suggest less fiber and more cheese.
*By biblical amount, I mean enough for 40 days and 40 nights.

Authors Note: During this state of emergency no Purel has been hoarded. Of course there is none on the shelves to be hoarded but that’s beside the point. The point being is that “I” do not hoard Purel. I make my own.

Additional Authors Note: I am aware of the seriousness of this pandemic.
It has taken much of  my daily energy  to keep my head together.
I end up meditating several times during the day, every day.
I believe that exercising one’s humor is a key line of defense. 

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” –Mark Twain