Tag Archives: humor

Humor

The Team from Nowhere: Chapter 3 Point of Origin.

Leave a comment

Coach Mickey Brown’s demeanor took a severe hit from knowing that reporters, no correct that, a reporter from the small local paper was starting to ask questions as to the origins of his players. ALL of his players. Normally the question popped up from time to time and was to be expected about a single player every once in a while but never the entire team. Of course it’s not every day an entire team suddenly materializes out of thin air. Not only that but their level of play is so perfect it leads one to think, as stupid as it sounds, that these guys were created just to play baseball.

Mickey knew he should have expected this moment and now that it had arrived it was going to take some creativity to make sure the moment didn’t settle down and develop roots.

Towards that effort he was in his office with a full cooler of ice waiting for Trent to show up and add the beer. His imagination needed fuel.

As if Trent was taking direction from or paying attention to the narrator of this story, he walked in bearing beer.

Mickey could see their problems melting away already. Anyone else would be pulling out a thesaurus and searching for the many forms of the word “denial”.

After the beer was laying snug under a few inches of ice and the promise of a couple frosty ones lay in the not so distant future both men took on the pose of men doing serious thinking. Anyone else would have seen two men staring out into space with a look on their faces that said.
“The last time I saw my car keys they were….”

“What were the exact words the reporter used,” asked Coach Brown.
“He wanted to know the teams point of origin.”
He said the words “point of origin?”
Yes he said “point of origin.”
“Who says things like that?”

“Reporters for small town newspapers apparently,” replied Coach Stotlmeyer. At that moment in time both men crossed their arms in a gesture that said “This could take awhile…”.

To Be Continued…


Humor, satire

The Team from Nowhere: Chapter 2 The Nobodies.

2 Comments



Trent Stotlmeyer, volunteer firefighter, life insurance salesman, part time bartender and part time assistant coach for the Nobodies knocked on Coach Mickey Brown’s office door.

He could barely hear the go-ahead from coach Brown but he was used to the low volume. The coach was always saving his voice for arguing with umpires. Trent has never witnessed the afore mentioned arguments. No one has. The coach never argued. He didn’t have to. He had perfected the “If you go down this road you will never come back” look to the point that it could be considered assault in a court of law. It’s just as well that the same look kept him out of court.

“What brings you here? No fires or cocktails to sling?” asked Mickey. “Wait one more question. Are we ok with the “No Bodies?”.
“Well I am ,“ replied Trent.
“The Outsiders” generates more questions than it answers and “The Nobodies”, notice it’s all one word, really begs no questions. In fact I believe it discourages people from going down that road. Kinda like that one look you have. Yeah, that one.”

“To answer your first question. The bar is closed on Mondays and by a strange coincidence the town has never had a fire on Monday. I am beginning to suspect sobriety may be a factor.”

“Fair enough. Why No Bodies with just one word?”

“I choose to use the one word form because while you and I don’t really have physiques to brag about, the players don’t have that issue. They are also not a gang of killers with a talent of getting rid of the evidence. Before we go off into the weeds, I came here with a new problem.”

“What’s wrong with the old problems”, asked Mickey
“Because we have procrastinated long enough that those problems have been overcome by events and are no longer problems.”

“Thats the subtle genius of procrastination”

“If you say so.”

“What is the new problem?”
“A reporter from The World Is starting to ask questions.”
“What kind of questions?”
“The kind having to do with the origins of this team and the “a” word was mentioned.”
“You mean?”
“Yes , aliens.”


Humor

I Miss Myself

Leave a comment

I miss myself. The pre pandemic and post retired me.
It was a brief moment but I really liked myself that one year.
I had even tossed out my overvalued work ethic that was me just being mean to myself. To be honest it was only overvalued by me but I still don’t understand the concept of quiet quitting.

Currently when I work on something important I still havea bit of my old work ethic. Which is ok, although in my retirement phase I am doing some work for a non profit and I could see myself putting on my cape and being heroic. Fortunately the dry cleaners ruined my last cape. Over working myself for charity is much better than making money for someone else.

I was happy go lucky. That is and of itself is out of character.


Just ask anyone who knows me to describe me and I guarantee “happy” and “lucky” are two words that are never mentioned in their reply unless the phrase “not very” precede them .

If only I had done some traveling that year but I needed to decompress after overworking myself for the greater glory of a strong work ethic for over 30 years. Well I guess since I’ve worked since I was 15 it was really like close to 40 years.

I have now determined that “strong” in this instance meant insane.
I thought I’d start up some traveling right after the decompression was complete but COVID happened and it became political, people started to believe in stupid conspiracy theories and died.

For the most part I can start traveling now but with some restrictions. China is still off the itinerary. Apparently they are still running around like a chicken with its head cut off due to a resurgence of COVID. Incidentally I’m not sure they have ruled out headless chickens as the cause. That is a joke. Please don’t add that to the poison stew that is Q.

Poland is on my list of places to travel to as well as Ireland. They are the countries of my ancestors. Unfortunately that asshat Putin invaded the Ukraine. Since the people of Poland are neighbors they have to be a bit nervous. I don’t know, they may hate the Russians as much or more than the people of Ukraine so maybe its anger they feel. I believe at this moment Ireland is safe enough to visit as long as you don’t bring up religion. Don’t get me started, no really you don’t have to, I’m a self starter.

Either way its not a good time to visit Poland with the a fore mentioned asshat lobbing missiles left and right with no great concern for civilian life. For those of you in sympathy with Putin, WTF is wrong with you. But I digress that is a rant left for another day and my “Old Guy Ranting” series. Which is a fairly large category.

Alas I can only sit in repose and muse about that one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and assHats.

That may be a good name for an angry heavy metal band. COVID and Asshats that is , not “one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and asshats.” While it does have some cachet it wouldn’t fit on any marque announcing their gig.

As you were….

Humor, Writing

Responding to The Quotes of Known Writers: The Sequel (AKA Yes, I was a class clown)

Leave a comment

I just had so much fun I had to do it again.

Before you ask the answer is yes. Yes, I am a wise-ass and yes I was a class clown. Social media is a great outlet for me.

Here is another look at some quotes on writing by well known writers and my comments in response.

“We’re past the age of heroes and hero kings. … Most of our lives are basically mundane and dull, and it’s up to the writer to find ways to make them interesting.”
—John Updike


“What about writers whose lives are mundane and dull? I need to up my game and cultivate some really bad habits.”
-Dan

“Each writer is born with a repertory company in his head. Shakespeare has perhaps 20 players. … I have 10 or so, and that’s a lot. As you get older, you become more skillful at casting them.”
—Gore Vidal

“I also have a company of players in my head. I’ve lost track of the number but my psychiatrist is keeping a running total.”
-Dan

‘When I sit down to write a book, I do not say to myself, ‘I am going to produce a work of art.’ I write it because there is some lie that I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention, and my initial concern is to get a hearing.”
—George Orwell

“When I sit down to write a book. I say to myself I am going to tell a big lie. It’s a lie because hell I write fiction.”
-Dan

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as he finishes the book.”
-Roald Dahl.

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as he doesn’t find out where I live.”
-Dan

“If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it. Or, if proper usage gets in the way, it may have to go. I can’t allow what we learned in English composition to disrupt the sound and rhythm of the narrative.”
—Elmore Leonard

“I learned nothing in English composition so I have that going for me.”
-Dan

“Write. Rewrite. When not writing or rewriting, read. I know of no shortcuts.”
—Larry L. King

“Write. Rewrite. Read. Hey, how am I supposed to find time to drink?”
-Dan

“Remember: Plot is no more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.”
—Ray Bradbury

“My plots look like a great violent struggle occurred in the snow and then someones dog came by and peed on it.”
-Dan

Humor

Win A Medical Procedure

Leave a comment

In an office near the studios of the game show “Win Your Medical Procedures” the network accountant enters the office of host Wink Atyolawyer.

“Wink, we’ve had some changes to our budget that is going to affect our prizes.”

“How so?”

“We can’t give away organ transplants anymore.”

“That’s Ok, we weren’t giving too many of those away anyway.”

“There is another change.?”

“Ok and that is?”

“We have to cut down on the number of MRI’s we give away.
We need to remove them from 60% of our prize packages.
The cost for those are edging into the stratosphere.”

“Thats not good, contestants were counting on those.”

“Well we are working on a replacement option involving cheap plane tickets.”

“To the Mayo Clinic?”

“Oh no, we couldn’t afford that but the destination doesn’t matter. What matters is that they go through the latest security scanners at the airport. We’re working with TSA to capture the data and send it to a doctor we’ll contract for review.”

“But medical costs are always increasing. How do we sustain the show?”

“Well with these changes we can make it to the end of the year but for next year we are going to have to pickup a few more sponsors.”

“How many is a few? “

“Twenty Five.”

“How many do we have now?”

Looking at his watch the account said “At this moment, 50.”

“Geez, we have to increase by 50%. Can we find that many?”

“That’s a good question. We already have all of the major health insurance carriers on board.”

“I hate to be captain obvious here but shouldn’t the insurance carriers not spend that money and pass on the savings to the insured?”

“You mean lower their bills?”

“Yes.”

“LOL, Good one sir.”

Humor

Disorder in The Senate (entitlements)

1 Comment

 

Scene –   Senatorial Hearing (Grilling) of Nominee for the ” FIB” position ( fill in the blank)

“Welcome, Mr. Appointee. How are you doing this fine day?”

“I’m doing well thank you.”

“ I have just a few questions for you and then we’ll let you go. I’m sure you have better things to do than answering stupid questions.”

“Oh, I live for them.”  

“Pardon?”

“Um, Ok Senator.”

 “I don’t think you have clarified your views are on this next subject. How do you feel about entitlements?”

  “They’re the bane of society and I think they should be discouraged in favor of the good old American idea of working for a living.”

“Excellent thoughts Mr. Appointee and thank you. I have no further questions. I yield the floor to my colleague across the aisle and  from the great state of great states.”

“Mr. Appointee I thank you for your time today. I would like to go back to one of your previous responses and clear up some detail
that I believe is missing.”

“That’s fine by me Senator.”

“You had responded to a question by my colleague from the great states of great states.”

“Which state was that?”

“ The great one. It was the question about entitlements.”

“Oh yes, I hate them.”

“Yes, I gathered that. In particular what entitlements do you not like.”

“Well, social security for one. People collecting social security and not contributing  to society.”

“If I may Senator, could you read this definition from the dictionary.”

“Oh, a reading test. What happens If I fail?”

“Unfortunately nothing, in fact, you’ll probably get re-elected.”

“e-n-t-i-t-l-e-m-e-n-t.  entitlement : the state or condition of being entitled.”

“That’s one meaning but it doesn’t describe how you get to that state in the first place. If you read the second meaning it will tell us how the condition of entitlement is reached. Can you read that one also?”

“These are getting harder. entitlement : a right to benefits specified  by law or contract.”

“Correct. When we are talking about social security we are saying that people have a right to those benefits because it’s part of the contract. They pay a tax from their paycheck and that money goes to fund social security payments. They are entitled to those payments because it’s their money.”

“Oh, so it’s their money. Wow, you just blew my mind. I haven’t had that done since the sixties. ”

“Oh, I doubt that. On that note, I move to adjourn until tomorrow morning.”

Like thoroughbreds breaking out of the gate the Senators made a beeline for the exit.”

Heard above the din were various exclamations to the gist of  “So that’s what it means, “I second that” and “Oh boy leftover meat surprise again”.

Humor, Political, satire

Pharma-Capitol Shenanigans (Pharmaceutical-Palooza Series)

Leave a comment

Location : Capitol Hill – An office in the Senate office Building. When: Late afternoon (after completion of a presentation by Hypochondriacs against Big Pharma Commercials).

“I don’t know about you Senator but I don’t think that went too well,” said Abe.

“Were you at the same session that I was at because I think that was a resounding success,” replied the Senator.

“Resounding? I don’t think there were more than 35 Senators there.”

“Yes , but at the beginning we had a full house.”

“But there were open seats.”

“When you get 70 senators out of a 100 to show up that’s a full house.”

“That is depressing.”

“No, that is reality.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not depressing. There was only 15 left at the end of a thirty minute presentation.”

“Yea that was your fault.”

“How was it my fault?”

“The average age of a US Senator is 60. You lost twenty senators at the mention erectile disfunction.”

“Why did that cause them to leave?”

“It reminded them that they needed a refill.”

“So when did I lose the rest?”

“You lost a few more at the mention of temporary memory loss, hemeroids and frequent urination. It was kind of a steady trickle after that.”

“You’re putting that all on me?”

“Well, that’s probably not fair. Our normal daily attrition rate is similar and for pretty much the same reasons.”

“Again, thats depressing.”

“It could have been worse.”

“How?”

“You could have mentioned side affects related to alcoholism. That would have emptied the place.”

“So whats our next move?”

“Well, normally I would conduct follow up meetings in the next couple of days but I will probably
wait until next week.”

“Why the wait?”

“Well, you got em stirred up a bit today. The frequent urinators will be back in the morning but It will take a few days for the hemorrhoid sufferers to calm down. It could be a while for the memory loss folks if at all.”

“If at all?”

“Yea, they could just think they’re retired. It’s happened before.”

 

Other posts in this series

Pharmaceutical-Palooza

The First Step is Admitting You Don’t Have a Problem

There is No I in Anonymous

Mr. Doe Goes To Washington

Humor, satire

The Art of The Conspiracy

3 Comments

In a dimly lit bar ensconced in the chill of a capitol hill winter afternoon, sit three men.

 

 

They are holding an impromptu meeting in light of some unexpected events. The three do not know each other but of each other. That’s the way this deal goes down.
That’s the way they like it. That’s the way it needs to be.

The first one to speak, with some reluctance, was the bearded one.

“If you recall, our most recent meeting discussed giving guidance, mentoring if you will, to a known public figure that may have desired to concoct a conspiracy involving a yet to be identified public figure.”

“I thought we knew who he was and what he wanted,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Shut your trap, you know he likes to dramatize for effect,” whispered Mr Panama.

“Well , we do know the man and certainly the world knows him, “ replied the bearded one.

“ To summarize, part of our council was to advise against direct involvement. Instead, we strongly suggested conspiracy by proxy, that he go through a third party to mechanize events.”
“Mechanize? Has he been watching too many mob movies?” uttered the unassuming bartender.

“Well, if he has do you really want to make him angry?” whispered Mr. Panama.

“Excellent point.”

“Well,” continued the bearded one. “It seems said public figure has ignored our advice and taken direct action. We are here to discuss potential fallout and can we say plausible deniability.”

“Um, yes, we can, um, I can,” answered the nondescript bartender.

“That wasn’t a question you dolt,” interjected Mr. Panama.

“Of course. I knew that. Hey, can I have a better name,” asked the nondescript bartender.

“No, as a member of a conspiracy, nondescript is perfect. It is , well, nondescript,” replied Mr.Panama. “That does remind me of a similar issue. Mr Bearded One, For clarities sake can I suggest we give those involved more distinct monikers?”

“Monikers? Did you just get a thesaurus,” asked the bartender.

“Yea, I’m improving myself. You gotta problem?

“No, It’s just an observation.”

“Distinct Monikers,” echoed the Bearded one. “Yes, we can do that. Let’s call the person seeking advice “pompadour.” His recently identified subject of the conspiracy will be called “the judge.”

“Oh, the picture is becoming clearer now,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Good because I thought I was going to have to do a paint by numbers thing with you two,” mumbled the bearded one.”

“It’s all over the news. How could we not connect the dots,” stated Mr. Panama.
“Yes, which is precisely the problem,” replied the Bearded One. “We need to make sure
we are insulated.”

“Refresh my memory. How did he get a hold of us in the first place,” asked the Bartender.

“A sandwich delivery with shall we say a little fiber,” replied the Bearded One.

“Oh, the old note in the sandwich trick,” said the Bartender.

“Yes but delivered to one of our couriers who then delivered it to the Bearded One,” added Mr Panama.

“So we are untraceable?”

“We should be,” said the Bearded One.

Just then the front door burst open and on its heals followed the last of the winter sun.

A silhouette appeared in the doorway in the shape of a man who could have been Elvis or some other guy with a pompadour.

“Oh no,” uttered Mr. Panama.

“How did you find us?” asked the barman.

“I just asked around for the best Margaritas on Capitol hill,” replied the new but confused arrival.”

“What’s with the miniature poodle on your head,” asked the barman.

“Oh, I let her do that as a puppy. Now it’s the only way she’ll go anywhere with me.

Humor, satire, Television

There Is No I in Anonymous

Leave a comment

Welcome back folks. We have some new members to Hypochondriacs Anonymous.
I want to welcome Deloris and Timothy Bogenfelter. I’m sorry Timothy did you have something to say.”

“Im Sorry Abe, my son wanted to use the name John Doe. You know, because of the anonymous part.”

“Oh, he’s quite smart isn’t he.”

“Well, he has his moments.”

“Deloris, Aren’t you being a bit harsh to your blind son. What was it? Soap poisoning?”

“What? Blind?”

“Well , he has the cane and he did knock over a few chairs on the way in.”

“Look again. He has his eyes closed.”

“Um, strange, I don’t understand.”

“He thinks he’s temporarily blind. I couldn’t turn off the TV in time before
the drug commercial got to the side effects.”

“I hear you, said Stuart.”

“Well, Timothy barely heard you,” added Deloris. “I had just made it to the TV when they were discussing hearing loss.”

“Sorry,” replied Stuart. “My wife has a good arm and regularly takes out the TV with a small planter.”

“That’ impressive,” added Abe.

“Yea, my wallets impressed,” replied Stuart.

“Deloris,“ said Abe. “We find that our success rate is directly tied to the attitude of the member and the goals they have. What is it that you hope to achieve here.?”

“Well, I’m not shooting for the roof. Getting Timothy to open his eyes would be a good start.”

“Thats very reasonable,” said Abe. “What about the long term? Can we go beyond the roof and shoot for the sky?”

“Well, I’ll tell you Abe, can I call you Abe?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t you?”

“Because Timothy thinks you made that name up.”

“Oh, I can assure you my name is Abe. Please continue.”

“Well, Abe I would like to get to the point where I don’t have to lock up my TV in the armoire.”

“Wow thats a pain.”

“Yes, my back would agree.”

“Abe, In the shoot for the stars category, I would like to do something about these commercials? Aren’t they regulated.”

“Well, there is some scrutiny as in all commercials but they are so full of legalese that they seem to have covered themselves. Maybe when Timothy gets older his understanding of the legalese will help him with his issues.”

“You are joking aren’t you? You don’t understand it. I don’t understand it. Nobody understands it. Do you realize how much damage he could do by the time he even gets a clue? My back will give out long before that happens.”

“I see your point. Well, we have talked with the other chapters about trying to get before congress.”

“Yea, how is that going.”

“Building momentum is slow. We have not been able to get the local chairmen to turn their backs on the media. Just when things start to pick up they see a Cialis commercial and we don’t hear from them for quite a while.”

“Maybe the problem is your chairmen are males.”

“Good point. We’ll have to work on that.”

“That’s fair. Now, can we clear out some of these chairs? Timothy has to find the bathroom.”

Humor, satire, Television, Uncategorized

The First Step is Admitting You Don’t Have a Problem (Pharmaceutical-Palooza cont)

11 Comments

“Ok people, lets get our weekly Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting started.
We have a few business issues to get out of the way before we begin our session.

 

Remember, while there is a social aspect to the this group please exclude your feelings from your outside discussions. From what I hear quite a few of you got together with Howie Mamson for coffee last week and as a result this meeting is ten people short.

I believe all ten checked themselves in to City General with heart palpitations. The next time any of you see Howie, please remind him what the thought of caffeine does to him let alone drinking it.”

“Anyone have anything else to add? Yes, Stuart? Do you have something?”

“Yes, I do Abe. I just wanted to add that I had coffee with Howie and the group but I’m fine.”

“Very good Stuart, you’re making progress.”

Sam spoke up, “Not so fast. Abe, Stuart thought he lost his hearing that day so that was really the reason he wasn’t affected.”

“Thanks for ratting him, um, adding that information Sam.
So, he said he did not have a problem when if fact he had a problem which means he really has a problem and belongs here. Is that correct?”

“Um yea,” replied Sam. “It’s a good thing I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I’m going to need a drink.”

“Very well, lets move on to the next topic I want to discuss, commercials from Big-Pharma.”

“Oh, I can’t watch those anymore,” replied Sam.
“You know how hard it is to leave the house when you think you have bladder control issues, Crohn’s disease and ED?”

“Yes, Yes and no I have no clue, ” replied Abe. “That’s why we need to address the problem.”

“I don’t have a problem with the symptoms,” said Stuart. “It’s the side affects that are freaking me out. Oh sure the blindness is temporary but define temporary.”

“Which Is why I am going to recommend not watching any non recorded television,” replied Abe. Recording it will allow you to skip through the commercials. For those that are visually susceptible, I suggest they do not watch at all or have their significant other do the fast forwarding.”

“Abe. My wife is one of the ten in the hospital,” replied Sam.

“Oh well, I guess you’re going to have to quit watching all together or start net-flicking. “

“Folks; next weeks topic is “Avoidance may work but what about a solution.”
So have a good week and for gosh sakes people avoid any news about Zika.”