I thought I was ready for this pandemic. It was a nice thought while it lasted (about 20 seconds). I checked  on my supplies and  created a list of a few items that I needed. 

Item                                                Quantity                                     State

Soup                                    2 packets of onion soup.       Probably need soup
                                                 I’m sure they’re old but
                                                 its soup for christ sakes.                                  

Milk                                         1/2 quart of milk.                            Need Milk.

Toilet Paper                               Seven rolls.                                    Plenty.

A couple of thoughts came to mind.

1) I Shouldn’t have shaved the beard. It was a good source of leftovers.
2) I seemed to have seen a story about toilet paper (TP). Something about a shortage?

     I double checked my trusty internet sources and yes I had to stifle a grin as I wrote this. Low and behold there were several hundred stories about stores out  of all TP.  Yes,  every single roll of TP on store shelves. I am not sure if facial tissue, napkins and paper towels were part of the collateral damage.

What are people doing with all of the toilet paper?

     I was perplexed. Why were people buying TP in quantities befitting the US First Infantry Division (Big Red One)? The last I heard the Big Red One was stationed in Ft Riley Kansas.
I’m pretty sure if they were buying up TP they would clean out the stock of Kansas stores and not those of neighboring states.

     “What we are dealing with here is uncharted.” Thats the last thing I want to hear from a toilet paper manufacturer but that’s what we heard from toilet paper manufacturers this past week.

Unchartered  sounds like they got lost on the way to Charmin Island.

     I can see why they were at a loss. They probably have metrics associated with the average American derrier size, the average American diet (fiber and so forth) and the number of average American meals consumed in a 24 hour period.

    They kept recalculating their numbers and offering alternate theories but  could only come up with one good explanation, hoarding.

I have an alternate theory (read a more amusing one). I believe the size of the average American derrier has tripled since Christmas. The cause of course is the consumption of massive amounts of food and drink during the holidays. 

Excluding the derrier expansion theory, there is no way an average healthy individual could actually use the entire TP stock of a store in three weeks time (the current lockdown time in Boulder).

I had to admit the hoarding theory was the only reason that made sense.

So back to my inventory. Did I have enought TP?

I double checked my current stock and I had 7 rolls not including the two currently deployed in the bathrooms. Yes, I am healthy and my derrier is not that big (TMI?). 

My TP supply is just fine and that’s a good thing.  The stores seem to be going through it like poop through a goose.

 I have only one parting thought for those hoarding toilet paper. Actually, I have many more thoughts but I need to work on my vocabulary. It does not include enough synonyms for assHat. I try to avoid being repetitive in my writing.

For the few who actually use a biblical* amount of TP in 3 weeks may I suggest less fiber and more cheese.
*By biblical amount, I mean enough for 40 days and 40 nights.

Authors Note: During this state of emergency no Purel has been hoarded. Of course there is none on the shelves to be hoarded but that’s beside the point. The point being is that “I” do not hoard Purel. I make my own.

Additional Authors Note: I am aware of the seriousness of this pandemic.
It has taken much of  my daily energy  to keep my head together.
I end up meditating several times during the day, every day.
I believe that exercising one’s humor is a key line of defense. 

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” –Mark Twain