Tag Archives: conspiracy

Humor

I Miss Myself

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I miss myself. The pre pandemic and post retired me.
It was a brief moment but I really liked myself that one year.
I had even tossed out my overvalued work ethic that was me just being mean to myself. To be honest it was only overvalued by me but I still don’t understand the concept of quiet quitting.

Currently when I work on something important I still havea bit of my old work ethic. Which is ok, although in my retirement phase I am doing some work for a non profit and I could see myself putting on my cape and being heroic. Fortunately the dry cleaners ruined my last cape. Over working myself for charity is much better than making money for someone else.

I was happy go lucky. That is and of itself is out of character.


Just ask anyone who knows me to describe me and I guarantee “happy” and “lucky” are two words that are never mentioned in their reply unless the phrase “not very” precede them .

If only I had done some traveling that year but I needed to decompress after overworking myself for the greater glory of a strong work ethic for over 30 years. Well I guess since I’ve worked since I was 15 it was really like close to 40 years.

I have now determined that “strong” in this instance meant insane.
I thought I’d start up some traveling right after the decompression was complete but COVID happened and it became political, people started to believe in stupid conspiracy theories and died.

For the most part I can start traveling now but with some restrictions. China is still off the itinerary. Apparently they are still running around like a chicken with its head cut off due to a resurgence of COVID. Incidentally I’m not sure they have ruled out headless chickens as the cause. That is a joke. Please don’t add that to the poison stew that is Q.

Poland is on my list of places to travel to as well as Ireland. They are the countries of my ancestors. Unfortunately that asshat Putin invaded the Ukraine. Since the people of Poland are neighbors they have to be a bit nervous. I don’t know, they may hate the Russians as much or more than the people of Ukraine so maybe its anger they feel. I believe at this moment Ireland is safe enough to visit as long as you don’t bring up religion. Don’t get me started, no really you don’t have to, I’m a self starter.

Either way its not a good time to visit Poland with the a fore mentioned asshat lobbing missiles left and right with no great concern for civilian life. For those of you in sympathy with Putin, WTF is wrong with you. But I digress that is a rant left for another day and my “Old Guy Ranting” series. Which is a fairly large category.

Alas I can only sit in repose and muse about that one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and assHats.

That may be a good name for an angry heavy metal band. COVID and Asshats that is , not “one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and asshats.” While it does have some cachet it wouldn’t fit on any marque announcing their gig.

As you were….

Humor

Sometimes Its Just a Letter

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This is America and we are a melting pot.
As such we are home to a multitude of beliefs systems.

Personal beliefs systems sometimes befuddle me.

I am intrigued by them and as long as no one is getting hurt, I try to respect them. When it comes to conspiracy theories however they set off my bogus alarm. Yours should go off also.

I am reminded of a conversation the conspiracy boys had about a past effort to create a conspiracy based on a letter. I believe it was a conspiracy to boost the number of words that begin with the letter Q.


Something fun and relatively harmless.

We join our boys in mid conspiracy discussion.

“The letter q doesn’t get the respect it deserves. It’s a versatile and powerful letter unduly hampered by and tied to the letter “u”. Heck even the pronunciation contains the letter “u”,” stated the bearded one.

“So what do you propose we do about it?”, asked Mr. Panama.


“We come up with new words beginning with q but not supported by an adjacent u”, replied the bearded one.

“Just like that?,” uttered the bar tender.

“Sure, new words are added to the dictionary every day so why not?”, asked the bearded one.

“Yes but the words added to a dictionary are words or terms that have been in use by a large number of people for some time,” offered Mr Panama.

“That’s true but I don’t expect immediate gratification and I think it could keep a lot of people occupied and out of trouble,” replied the bearded one.

“In fact people that do this can be called “querons”, added the bartender.

“Um, we’ll think about that one replied the bearded one.”

You may wonder what became of that little conspiracy, or you may not its just a letter.

According to the Bearded one ,“We realized we would have to involve a lot more people to get new words adopted. In addition the amount of time to do that would be prohibitive.”

We couldn’t see tens of thousands of people wasting much of their time for the sake of a letter.”

Yea, definitely a complete waste of time. I’ve got a paper clip collection that I need to get started.

Where it all began…

Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory

Humor, satire

The conspiracy Game Resurrection

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The conspiracy twins showed up at the pub the following evening at 8:00 pm. when the kitchen closed. (In cased you missed the previous installment).

“Gentleman you have returned,” said the bartender.
Mr Panama and The Bearded one both did a faux look around.

“Oh, you’re talking about us,” uttered the bearded one.

“Yes. I guess I won’t insult you with the gentlemen label again.”

“Good , because we’re not used to it and it’s an insult to gentlemen,” replied the men in unison.

“So what brings you guys back.”

“Well we…” “Sorry folks I am just not into writing about conspiracy game(s) at this time.”

“Who’s that?” asked the conspiracy twins.

“That is the author of this blog,” replied The Bartender.

“What’s the problem, ” asked the bartender.

“I never thought that people would believe the conspiracy crap I’m shoveling.”

“Are they,” asked The Bartender.

“Not that I know of but it won’t be long before they do. The whole pandemic thing created a lot of bored people starving for entertainment “

“What about you,” asked The Bartender.

“I’ve got other things to write about”

“What if you created an inane end game,” asked The Bearded One.”

“I thought about that. But that is kind of like the game telephone. Once it has gone around the world there is no telling what goal it’s morphed into. It could have gone from the innocent “Get a dog” to “get an angry sea bass with lasers., replied the author.”

“Nice Austin Powers reference,” said The Bearded One.

“Thanks I try.“

“Suck-up, “replied Mr.Panama.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find something for you to do.”

“Something with the “conpiracy twins” moniker, hopefully ? “

” I’ll keep it in mind.“

Stay tuned for further developments in the sad lives of our main characters.“

“You’re being kind of harsh with the judgement there.”

“Sorry , I’ll tone it down in the future.”

“Thanks, appreciate it.”

Humor, satire

Night Of The Pompadour

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In a nondescript bar not far from Capitol Hill ceiling fans were blowing away the last few days of August.

The nondescript bartender had been polishing the same glass for 20 minutes.  Convinced he had removed any spots and a few layers of history he placed the glass on a shelf and sighed. He was somewhat depressed that he was wasting  energy displaying his professionalism to an empty bar. He picked up another glass in hopes it would trigger some patronage.

Hell, he’d welcome a stray lobbyist if it broke up the monotony.

What he really could use was a visit from Mr. Panama or The Bearded One but they had not made their shadowy presence known at the bar since “The night of The Pompadour.”

He shivered at the thought.

The front door opened blasting away his chills with warm rays of sunshine.

“Your rang,” asked the silhouette of Mr. Panama in the door frame.

“Not really, but I was wondering what you have been up to.”

“Trying to lie low since the night of the Pompadour.”

“I know the feeling. I can’t sleep because of it.”

“Really, That disturbing?”

“I keep having these dreams about that hair coming to life and taking over the country. It’s a bit like that movie The Blob.”

“In a way that kind of came true.”

“Yea, and there’s no Steve McQueen to save the day. That’s why I’m scared to fall asleep. I’m wondering what it’s going to do next.“

“And it has a twitter account. Don’t forget that.”

“Thanks, got any Ambien?”

“None to spare. I need all the help I can get.”

Mr. Panama took a seat at his usual table and ordered a beer.

“Have you seen the Bearded One lately,” asked Mr. Panama.

“No, the both of you pulled a disappearing act.”

The front door opened casting a shadow of the Bearded One across the floor.

“You rang,” he asked.

“How do you guys do that,” asked the bartender.

“Do what,” replied Mr. Panama and the Bearded One in unison.

“Never mind. So where have you two been?

I haven’t seen you around here in months.”

“Lying low trying to disassociate myself from The Pompadour,” replied Mr Panama.

“I followed suit,” said The Bearded One.

“What’s going on with the Penny Cabal,” asked the bartender.

“The what,” replied the Bearded One.

“You know the conspiracy to keep the penny in circulation.”

“Oh, that,” replied Mr. Panama. It no longer amuses me.”

“Amuse you?” exclaimed the bartender.

“It’s not longer fun for me either,” said the Bearded One.

“The Pompadour has turned the conspiracy into something pedestrian,” injected Mr. Panama.

“Yes,the thrill has gone,” added the Bearded One.

“So it was just amusement for you two. There was no real effort to keep the penny in circulation,” asked the bartender.

“Nothing we were involved in,” replied Mr Panama.

“No one cares about the penny,” added The Bearded One.

“You could have told me,” said the Bartender.

“And ruin the fun?” replied The Bearded One.

“So now what I do for amusement” asked The Bartender.

“Get a life,” replied Mr. Panama.
Truer words have not been said, thought the bartender.

Humor, satire

The Art of The Conspiracy

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In a dimly lit bar ensconced in the chill of a capitol hill winter afternoon, sit three men.

 

 

They are holding an impromptu meeting in light of some unexpected events. The three do not know each other but of each other. That’s the way this deal goes down.
That’s the way they like it. That’s the way it needs to be.

The first one to speak, with some reluctance, was the bearded one.

“If you recall, our most recent meeting discussed giving guidance, mentoring if you will, to a known public figure that may have desired to concoct a conspiracy involving a yet to be identified public figure.”

“I thought we knew who he was and what he wanted,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Shut your trap, you know he likes to dramatize for effect,” whispered Mr Panama.

“Well , we do know the man and certainly the world knows him, “ replied the bearded one.

“ To summarize, part of our council was to advise against direct involvement. Instead, we strongly suggested conspiracy by proxy, that he go through a third party to mechanize events.”
“Mechanize? Has he been watching too many mob movies?” uttered the unassuming bartender.

“Well, if he has do you really want to make him angry?” whispered Mr. Panama.

“Excellent point.”

“Well,” continued the bearded one. “It seems said public figure has ignored our advice and taken direct action. We are here to discuss potential fallout and can we say plausible deniability.”

“Um, yes, we can, um, I can,” answered the nondescript bartender.

“That wasn’t a question you dolt,” interjected Mr. Panama.

“Of course. I knew that. Hey, can I have a better name,” asked the nondescript bartender.

“No, as a member of a conspiracy, nondescript is perfect. It is , well, nondescript,” replied Mr.Panama. “That does remind me of a similar issue. Mr Bearded One, For clarities sake can I suggest we give those involved more distinct monikers?”

“Monikers? Did you just get a thesaurus,” asked the bartender.

“Yea, I’m improving myself. You gotta problem?

“No, It’s just an observation.”

“Distinct Monikers,” echoed the Bearded one. “Yes, we can do that. Let’s call the person seeking advice “pompadour.” His recently identified subject of the conspiracy will be called “the judge.”

“Oh, the picture is becoming clearer now,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Good because I thought I was going to have to do a paint by numbers thing with you two,” mumbled the bearded one.”

“It’s all over the news. How could we not connect the dots,” stated Mr. Panama.
“Yes, which is precisely the problem,” replied the Bearded One. “We need to make sure
we are insulated.”

“Refresh my memory. How did he get a hold of us in the first place,” asked the Bartender.

“A sandwich delivery with shall we say a little fiber,” replied the Bearded One.

“Oh, the old note in the sandwich trick,” said the Bartender.

“Yes but delivered to one of our couriers who then delivered it to the Bearded One,” added Mr Panama.

“So we are untraceable?”

“We should be,” said the Bearded One.

Just then the front door burst open and on its heals followed the last of the winter sun.

A silhouette appeared in the doorway in the shape of a man who could have been Elvis or some other guy with a pompadour.

“Oh no,” uttered Mr. Panama.

“How did you find us?” asked the barman.

“I just asked around for the best Margaritas on Capitol hill,” replied the new but confused arrival.”

“What’s with the miniature poodle on your head,” asked the barman.

“Oh, I let her do that as a puppy. Now it’s the only way she’ll go anywhere with me.

Humor

The Orchestrated Effort (Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy cont..)

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At a nondescript bar two blocks from capitol hill, the nondescript bartender stood behind the bar pondering the world and everything.

He was beside himself, not literally of course, he hadn’t done that since the mid seventies.

He had just served a beer to a man with the same funky ring as the companion whose table he joined.

The second key concept of a good conspiracy is the “orchestrated effort”. It is the concept that manages the whole conspiracy. Without an orchestrated effort there would be just be a bunch of people meandering aimlessly and not having much of an impact on anything.

Kind of like the Chicago Cubs. It’s ok I can say that, I’m a lifelong Cubs fan.

You may ask yourself, if the organizations are not known to each other than how can the effort be orchestrated?

This is where the ringmaster comes into play. The ringmaster is the one person who has set the whole thing in motion and knows all of the players. He or she is the one person that sets up the meetings between the parties involved and the only person that knows the conspiracy statement or the ultimate goal of the conspiracy.

Through the use of the ringmaster the hidden agenda remains hidden from the rest of the participants. The ringmaster allows the participants plausible deniability. Since they have no idea of the ultimate goal they can’t really spill the beans if called before Congress,the Senate or the NBI*.

The ringmaster is the caterer of the  whole party. He provides fuel to the conspiracy right down to and including the cellulose condiments.

* The National Banking Institute or the National Baking Institute. I’m not sure there is much of a difference.

Next: “Fostering Paranoia“

Humor

The Ingredients to a Good Conspiracy (Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory continued…)

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Two blocks from Capitol Hill a man , rather nondescript of course, takes refuge from the afternoon sun in a doorway across the street from a neighborhood bar. He has an appointment in said bar but is experiencing some trepidation about the meeting.

He was told to come here by a ham salad sandwich. Well, a note in the sandwich told him to come here. Sandwiches quit talking to him in the mid seventies.

The man, deciding there is no time like the present, crosses the street and enters the bar. He is met by a web of scattered sun rays forcing him to pause and surmise the patrons looking for one wearing the ring.

One of the key elements of the conspiracy presented in the first installment of this series is the conspiracy statement. The statement I crafted was the following;

“We pledge to make sure the penny is coined as a part of the US monetary system no matter how cost ineffective it is. We plan on realizing this by holding true to our exaggerated self importance and by fostering paranoia through an orchestrated effort to disseminate false information, half truths and downright illogical conclusions. We will do this through a cabal made up of three organizations with a hidden agenda and whose members are not known to each other.”

Take note of the following words used in the conspiracy statement;”cabal“, “orchestrated effort” and “three secret organizations.”

The word cabal works well for conspiracy theories on an international level. Since an international conspiracy to keep the penny in circulation seems unlikely even for a conspiracy theory we might want to substitute the words “trilateral commission”.

If we throw in the UN as one of those three organizations than we can keep the cabal. The UN is a very popular element in many conspiracy theories. I bet ole Woodrow Wilson would have a hard time wrapping his head around that one.

Note the appearance of the number 3. Numbers are an important part of the conspiracy theory and you want to choose a number that would be hard pressed to prove.

Who bothers to challenge a claim of “third best _____ ____ in the world.”

Odd numbers greater than one are perfect. It is takes less work to discount a theory involving one or two organizations than it is three or more The beauty of a finely crafted conspiracy theory is that the harder it is to prove the harder it is to disprove.

A conspiracy theory becomes more plausible if the number or numbers in use are prime. Prime numbers put up an additional road block to investigation. Prime numbers are somewhat mystical, people hear them and think “wow that conspiracy has some deep , mysterious, roots.”

A good conspiracy courts mystery at every turn and prime numbers are a good ingredient for that. It doesn’t hurt that people are lazy, a conspiracy theorists counts on that.

Up next the “orchestrated effort”.

Holidays, Humor

A Conspiracy for the Ages

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The holidays are soon over. Can another ‘holiday’ come too soon. According to
the valentine related detritus already on display at the store, the answer is no.

Location : The dark basement of a warehouse located somewhere on the east coast of North America.

From separate entrances three men surreptitiously entered said warehouse. Three men who could be considered traitors to their own gender but loyal to one master. A master who can appear in multiple forms and colors and assume many aliases but all answer to the name of’legal tender’.

The three men are strangers to one another. The location of their pre arranged conclave was chosen during the previous year and only revealed to each of them the previous evening.

Each man introduces himself. There was Harry “Salutations “ Brown, Tony “Coco Bean” Burns and William “Don’t Call Me Shrink” Kowalski.

“Coco Bean. Really?” muttered Salutations Brown.

“Well, it used to be Fat Tony but I felt that played on a false stereotype people may have of us in the confection industry,” responded Coco Bean.

“Sounds sensitive enough,” agreed William, ” besides you go maybe 140 soaking wet.”

“So is it business as usual this year gentleman?” asked Coco Bean.

“Well if by usual you mean that both you guys make with the sweet talk generating expectations that cannot possibly be met and then I swoop in to pick up the pieces ,then yes, business as usual,” replied William.

“Yea , I see no reason to change. Why fix something that has been working for over 1700 years,” said Harry.

“I got to hand it to you Harry,“ said Coco Bean. “Your ancestors in business certainly knew how to craft a legend. Everyone loves a romantic martyr. Especially if he comes bearing chocolate and sticky valentines.”*

“You definitely have the poet in you Salutations. Here is to another banner Valentines Day. Long live the cash machine,” said William as he toasted with a glass of champagne.

“Long live the cash machine,” chimed in Coco Bean and Salutations as they raised their glasses”.

“So what fine location is the gathering next year gentleman?” asked Salutations.

“Hey you know the rules. We don’t choose the place. That is up to unknown others to decide” cautioned William.

“Yea, but I bet it will be someplace dark and dank,” replied Salutations.

“You would think the health care industry is in on the grift,”  said Coco Bean.

“Not yet,” replied William. They’ll wakeup, all that sugar has to be creating some new customers for them.”

*Thank you Mr. Costello.