Humor

Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory

Leave a comment

Two blocks from capital hill at the end of an unassuming street sat a neighborhood bar. In a sparsely lit corner of the bar a small table is occupied by a rather nondescript gentleman. A narrow shaft of light cuts across his chin, arcs across the table and exposes a weathered hand that has raised quite a few toasts over the years. A sparkle of light flashes from his ring finger as he raises a cold glass of freshly poured ale.

Behind the bar a young man is prepping garnishes for the happy hour rush. A twinkle in the corner of the bar catches his eye. He remembers the ring the man wore and figured that as the source of the flash. Nothing about the man was remarkable but the ring and its strange carousel symbol was interesting enough to lodge in his memory.

The man had mentioned that he was meeting up with someone and they should be here shortly. The young man wondered if his confidant would also be wearing a strange ring.

That would be cool, he thought. Maybe some kind of conspiracy is afoot

Continue reading Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory →

Humor

The Most Unusual Man in The World (Mindless Entertainment)

2 Comments

His brain has two distinctive flavors, the logical and the artistic.
He makes a living with the logical bank and lets the artistic bank out to play to stave off insanity. His friends would council that perhaps he had failed at the “staving off” part.

Life as a road warrior forced his creative bank to find amusements on the run so he invented a game he liked to call ‘guess what they do for a living.’ The goal of the game was self explanatory and the entertainment factor was high, especially in airports such as LAX, although celebrity sightings would spoil the game. The game worked best when he was traveling with a colleague. Forget asking strangers, they often panicked and carry-ons caused damage if they connected. If alone, he would get one of his other personalities to cooperate and sometimes they did not work well and play with others. When this happened his mind would create new forms of entertainment and sometimes it fell on a familiar theme, music.

Music is one of the passions that fuels his heartbeat. Following up random thoughts with “That would make a good band name”, can provide him with a few grins for a while. Sometimes creating a good band name is like a Seinfeld Episode.
“What did you have for breakfast?”
“Lightly buttered toast.” That’s a band name.
“What was your commute like?”
“Hell with a side of cream cheese.” That’s a band name.

Names in general provide him with a great source of entertainment. Sitting down with a sports magazine annual college basketball edition and compiling a list of the best names in division 1 basketball can fill his mind with enough minutia to keep him occupied for an entire weekend. He actually could make up a name like Scientific Mapp. He is the most unusual man in the world.

Humor

Dogs and Cats Living Together (Downtime for St. Peter Part 2)

1 Comment

The hours had passed slowly at the Pearly Gates as Herbert tried to absorb as much information as possible from St. Peter before he took his vacation leave.

“Is it always this slow,” asked Herbert.

“It comes an goes. Sometimes the list is short and other times the list contains a gaggle of souls.”

“Kind of like a rush to judgement.”

“Cute. Keep your day job”

“I’m an acquired taste.”

“Yea, so is Sushi”.

Just then a shuttle arrived with a lone passenger.

Peter checked the list and prepared to greet a Mr. Acme. Hmm, that’s an unusual name. “Welcome Mr. Acme.”

“Mr?” queried the man.

“Having no surname what do you prefer,” asked Peter.

“I have always gone by The Acme Company,” replied Mr. Acme.

“The Acme Company. That seems a bit unusual. Are you an artist or a musician,” asked Peter.

“No. I can’t say that I am. What else would you call a global
conglomerate that provides a full spectrum of products ranging from Shampoo to Talcum Powder.”

“Top to Bottom,” injected Herbert. Peter gave him a look that said silence would have been a better option.

“Oh Oh. I knew this day would come,” said Peter.

“What day is that,” asked Herbert.

“The day that would bring a corporeal crisis of existential proportions.”

“What, dogs and cats living together?” asked Herbert.

“Nice movie reference. I’ll give you that one,” replied a slightly grinning Peter.

“See, I’m growing on you. What did you mean “you knew this day would come”,” asked Herbert.

“I have been waiting for this day ever since the citizens united decision,” groaned Peter.

“I still don’t get what’s going on,” replied Herbert.

“What we have here is a corporation that thinks it is a person,” answered Peter.

“Oh Oh,” uttered Herbert.

“But I am a person. The Supreme Court Says so,” replied Mr. Acme.

“Sorry Acme, the Supreme Court has no jurisdiction here and making big campaign contributions does not give you a soul,” explained Peter.

“Oh, so where should I go?” asked Mr Acme.

I am thinking bankruptcy court,” replied Peter writing something on an official looking card. “There seems to have been a major corporeal catastrophe. This requires a higher power. Give this to the shuttle driver and he’ll take you to the proper station.”

“What shuttle driver,” asked Acme as a shuttle arrived.

“You have a very short sighted approach to existence. Now that you have plenty of time on your hands you need to be more patient. Good luck.”

“Ok, Thanks for the advice,” replied Mr. Acme as the shuttle whisked him away.

“Wow. Was that the strangest arrival you have had here,” asked Herbert.

“There was one that came close.”

“Yeah. How so?”

“Some guy who showed up with a ‘nutter-butter sandwich.”

“That doesn’t sound weird.”

“He was half naked and called himself the king.”

“Yea, that qualifies.”

Humor, personal growth, Uncategorized

Finding Eternal Calm in a Chaotic World (Dante-ism)

Leave a comment

Meditation.
-the action or practice of meditating: a life of meditation.
• a written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject: his later letters are intense meditations on man’s exploitation of his fellows.
ORIGIN Middle English: from Old French, from Latin meditatio(n-), from meditari (see meditate) .

We can practice meditation at any time and in many forms in our lives. Some of us practice it without realizing it.

I myself have been a longtime practitioner of something I like to call Dante-ism. It is an exercise in relaxation. The goal is to imagine a new level of hell for someone and through that visualization melt away the feelings of stress that you are currently experiencing. Dante probably imagined quite a few more levels than nine. I am sure he had to cut it short due to deadlines. I myself have blown way past double digit figures.

I find Dante-ism particularly effective while driving. Case in point. I find myself at a four-way stop sign waiting for a couple to exit the crosswalk when another car jumps their turn. I calmly let the tension go as I design a new level of hell for the driver; a time slightly less than eternity spent waiting for pedestrians at a crosswalk while an infinite stream of cars jump the gun. Not quite satisfied, an additional inspiration adds the coup de gras. The car stereo of the perpetrator will now be playing that one Rick Astley song (“ never gonna give you up …”*) in a loop. There are two dangers for you the designer when crafting these scenarios. The first is that you may visualize the imagery for too long forcing the drivers behind you to taylor a level of hell specifically for you. The second danger is that you run the risk of being stuck with that blasted song in your head the rest of the day.

I find Dante-ism to be especially calming in cases where a narrow escape from death has just occurred and the culprit is the carelessness of others. This experience is more common for those who commute to work but may also occur for those who actively participate in life as the role of an innocent pedestrian. The cases in this category that I am familiar with are usually attributed to someone not paying attention. The pedestrian scenario can provide more of a challenge when crafting a new level of hell if the perpetrator is sans automobile. In this case there is no vehicle with with which to imprison the guilty for all eternity and more imagination is required to craft the ultimate floor in your ever increasing high rise of hell.**

One may find that writers block is getting in the way crafting a sufficiently annoying level of hell. In such cases the afore mentioned cross walk scenario works well in a pinch. The idea of the guilty forever unable to cross an intersection can be quite calming. Throw in the video for that Rick Astley song in a loop on his smart phone and you have the ingredients for nirvana. Limit this scenario to cases where you have tried mightily but can not quite come up with an adequate scenario to achieve that state of calm that may be desperately required. Instead, use the opportunity to challenge your imagination. Bystanders can often be incorporated into the scene to help trap the perpetrator in time.

Creating the added annoyance factor is where ones imagination can be really be stretched. While I find it hard to fathom that someone would not find Rick Astley annoying, and neigh I say enjoyable, improbable events do occur in life and there is plenty of irritating songs out there to choose from. It is not important as to whether the perpetrator will find it maddening, it’s all about you . Remember meditation is a means to achieve personal growth and is meant to be a rewarding experience.

*I can’t bring myself to continue.
**Good band name by the way. I am thinking something in the Death Metal genre

Humor

Downtime for St. Peter (The Further Adventures of Herbert the Celestial Assistant)

1 Comment

Herbert was relaxing in the layover lounge (aka The Between Assignments Cubicle) and pondering the possibilities for his next assignment. He was a bit nervous as to what the future held for him. During his career as heavenly assistant he had worn many hats. Some had looked good on him and some had put him on Mr. Blackwell’s list.

He had been thinking about his very first task. It began as building hills but he was elevated* to head mountain builder. It seemed like yesterday but in heaven there really was no concept of time. His revery was interrupted by Solomon, no not that Solomon.

The truth was this Solomon was at the end of the line when the bucket of brains had run out. Rumor has it that tomato soup was substituted. Too bad a grilled cheese sandwich didn’t come with it.

“Time for your next assignment Herb,” announced Solomon.

“Could you call me Herbert? Only the big guy calls me Herb,” said Herbert.

“You mean God?”, asked Solomon.

“Yes of course. Is there another big guy?”

“Well no, but no one calls him big guy.”

“Oh, you don’t say. He doesn’t seem to mind.”

“Never mind that. You have your new assignment. It is only temporary though. You are vacation relief for Peter. “

“The heavenly gates Peter?”

“Yes of course. Is there any other?”

“Well there has to be. He can’t be the only Peter in heaven can he?”

“Probably not but lets not get exi, existen, uh deep. You are pulling relief duty at the heavenly gates”

“So Peter is taking a vacation?”

“Yep. He hasn’t had one since disco was popular.”

“Oh really. Did he have anything to do with that?”

“No and if he had any say it wouldn’t have ever happened. Don’t bring up leisure suits either. It will really get him started.”

“Um, Ok. So where does one go when you take a vacation from Heaven?”

“Colorado of course.”

“Makes sense, I did my best work there.”

“Here we are.”

“St. Peter this is Herbert”

“Nice to meet you Herbert. I’ll take it from here Solomon.”

“Right. Good luck Herbert”

“Thanks.”

“Ok Herbert. The job is pretty simple really. Here is the master list for today,” said Peter handing him a clipboard.

“A clipboard really? I was expecting something cooler.”

“This is heaven we don’t throw away what works. Pay attention Herbert.
Everyone on the list gets in. You will get a new list each day.”

“Everyone on the list gets in?”

“Yes of course. You were expecting that only the cool people got in ?
This isn’t a trendy New York nightclub.”

“I was looking forward to some judging.”

“Sorry to disappoint you but that has already take place.”

“Bummer. Must be depressing for you.”

“Not at all. Too much responsibility comes with that whole judging thing. So
back to the training part if you don’t mind. The enrollees will show up
periodically during your shift. You will ask them their name and check it
against the list.”

“What’s the point of a list if they all get in,” asked Herbert.

“Because from time to time there will be an error in routing.”

“Oh, kind of like an airline losing your luggage.”

“No, it’s nothing like that. So, are you always a smart ass?”

“Yea, it’s kind of my thing.”

“Oh, ok. Well try to tone it down a bit. These folks have just departed
their corporeal existence and may not appreciate your brand of
smart-assery.”

“Sorry, I’ll work on it. What happens if they are not on the list?”

“You apologize profusely for the mixup and you ring this bell. Someone will
respond immediately to take them to their final destination.”

“You’re right, it’s nothing like an airline losing your luggage.”

“If they are on the list you give them this pamphlet,” said Peter handing
him a sheet of parchment.

“Parchment?”

“It still works.”

“Oh, yea,” replied Herbert as he read the pamphlet.”

So Your Dead. Now What?

“Catchy Title”

“Thanks. I came up with that myself.”

“Keep your day job.”

“What.”

“Nothing. Continue”

“Well. You give them a chance to read the pamphlet and then answer any
questions they may have.”

“I’m not sure I can answer any questions they have. “

“Don’t worry. As I said they are kind of numb when they get here and do not
tend to ask too many questions. Most of their questions will crop up at the
next weigh station. Those folks will handle it. Besides, I will be with
you the entire day and by the end you’ll be a pro. Don’t worry.”

“Ok, lets get to greeting.”

“Pardon?”

“You know. It’s kind of like being a Walmart greeter.”

“No, no it’s not. What did I tell you?”

“Knock off the smart-assery?”

“Yes. Please”.

The story continues.

*pun intended

Humor, Uncategorized

On the Fourth Day Herbert Created Hills

2 Comments

It was the fourth day of creation and God, the creator, the big guy, the big girl or however you refer to him/her/it in your belief system, summoned one of the new aides, Herbert, to create hills.

“Herbert. Can I call you Herb?”

“Sure whatever floats your boat big guy.”

“Herb. I called you here to give you your purpose, the job that will be your responsibility and your’s alone.”

“Ooh, sounds exiting big guy. Drop it on me.”

“Drop it on you?”

“Yea it’s a saying”

“Not anymore it’s not.”

“Yea, It’s stupid. I don’t know who started it.”

“Pay attention Herb. Your job is to build hills.”

“Hills?”

“Yea here is an image as an example.”

“Wow, you showed it right on that bush. How did you do that?”

“A mere parlor trick. Now pay attention and study the example. You are

responsible for all the hills that will be built.”

“All of them? As in every one of them?”

“Of course. This world is just getting started so that is the only meaning.”

“Wow. I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Of course you can. I have supreme confidence in you and that’s coming from me, God. If I am behind you, you can’t go wrong.”

“Hey that is catchy. Can I use it?”

“Sure, why not. Many motivational speakers will make money off of it in the future.” Hmm I wonder if I can get royalties? , he thought.

“OK, big guy. I’ll give it my best shot. Where do I start?”

God replaced the image of a hill with a map. “Well, I was thinking of a place that will be named after St. Francis. I call it San Francisco.”

“Cool. I will drop some really nice hills on that.”

“Drop?”

“Sorry, I will create some really nice hills there.”
“Create? I am THE creator but I know what you mean.”

“OK, I will go forth and ‘hillafy.’”

“What? That is definitely not a saying.”

“No, but it can be one.”

“No, it can’t.”

“Very well. I’ll get right on it.”

“I will be back in a few hours to check on the results. If you do well, you will be doing the rest of the hills on this planet”

“Will do big guy.”

God went off to ponder his metaphorical navel* and decide who was going to be creating mountains.

Two hours had gone by and he had yet to decide. He had assigned the lake project, the tree project and had formulated the existence of blue navel lint but for mountains he was at a loss. He decided now would be a good time to check on Herbert.

God decided he would start at a place that eventually would become Chinatown. According to his map it should only be a 5 block walk up to what would be known as Knob Hill.

Much puffing later he had reached the top of the hill. Geez, That felt like 20 blocks. I have got to do more cardio, he thought. He turned to look back at the origin of his hike and was shocked to see how steep the climb had been. Well, I feel better about the shape I’m in but this isn’t a hill. It’s a mountain. I hope I can catch Herb before he can do more damage.

God turned to survey his surroundings and saw Herb making his way up the hill from the area that would be Pacific Heights. Herb arrived a few moments later huffing and puffing.

“Well, gasp, I’m, gasp, done.”

“What do you mean done?”

“I’m, gasp, done with, gasp, all the, gasp, hills for, gasp, this town.”

“Oh, um, good. I like what you’ve done with it. You have proven yourself worthy for a more difficult task however and I am promoting you. Your new title will be maker of mountains.”

“I quite like that,” replied Herb.

“I thought you would. It will make a good band name,” said God.

“Pardon?”

“Oh nothing,” said God.

“I want you to create something like this in this area.” He then displayed a new map image. “If I like what you have done there you will then move on to the continental divide.”

“With a name like that I presume it needs to be real big.”

“Yes, it should be but something tells me you will do just fine.”

* Great band name. Feel free to use it.
Catch Herbert’s next adventure.

Humor

Beware of Greeks Baring Yogurt

Leave a comment

As a type two diabetic I have to watch my carb intake carefully.
My Father was a type one diabetic for most of his life. My memories of the toll that it took on his body haunts me every time I put food in my mouth. When my ‘go-to’ Yogurt was reformulated, the end result was that the amount of carbs it contained had more than doubled, or had they? A comparison of the nutritional label of the new vs the old formula revealed something different was going on. The label of the new formula was now using 8oz as the serving size. The old label had used 4oz. Needless to say I was a bit upset at myself for thinking I was eating a low carb yogurt in the first place. I guess some part of my mind thought “who eats just four oz of yogurt” when reading the label and it substituted 8oz. Flimsy explanation? Sorry that’s all I got. Needless to say I wasn’t too satisfied either and I went to bed quite cranky. That may explain why I dreamt the following.

The morning sky loomed over Mt Olympus and the rays of the sun shown upon Zeus as he observed the Greek Olympic team working out. Up until now he thought they had an excellent chance to win medals at the first Olympics. Now he was pondering the first Olympic boycott. He was concerned with what he saw and had sent a message to summon Hermes for a discussion.

“You wanted to see me Dad,” said Hermes as he arrived huffing and puffing.

“Yea, like an hour ago,” replied Zeus. “Didn’t I tell you to call me sir in public.”

“Um, Yes Sir. Yea sorry about taking so long but Pheidippides seems to be out of shape these days. Normally he would accompany me back but he’s really gassed today.”

“That seems to be going around,” said Zeus. “Observe carefully as our team practices and tell me what you see.”

“Well at first glance they look fine,” replied Hermes.

“I said observe not glance.” admonished Zeus.

“Sorry sir I will give a sincere look,” said Hermes.

“Well a sincere look is an improvement but far from observing carefully,” said Zeus.

“Sorry again sir I will observe, um..”

“Carefully,” interjected Zeus.

“Yes, That’s it. I will observe carefully,” said Hermes.

“Pay attention Hermes, you’re on shaky ground. I hear Pandora is looking for a gig. You’re just lucky I can’t trust her.”

“Well sir they do seem a bit sluggish.”

“Go on. Anything else?”

“Well the javelin thrower seem to be a tad off sir.”

“You consider an impaling just a tad off?”

“No sir what I meant to say was that his aim was off and now they are carrying Tad off the field. I do hope he pulls through. He’s our best chance at a medal in the pentathlon.”

“So tell me Hermes. Do you have any idea how their performance could drop off so drastically?”

“Outside of the slight, um, complete impaling, I don’t think they’re that bad sir.”

“Oh really. Take a look at our hammer thrower. Does something look odd?”

“I don’t seem to see him sir.”

“Well Hermes do you see that man right there.”

“The one who is lying down and appears to be holding a hammer?”

“Yes, that’s the one. I am not an expert but I am pretty sure that is the hammer thrower and that passing out in mid throw is not proper technique.”

“Yes. I would have to agree with you sir.”

“So as I was saying do you have any idea how they have reached this sorry state?”

“Well sir, not right off the top of my head.”

“Any changes in their regimen or the training table?” asked Zeus.

“Training table sir? I hardly see what the table in the training room has to do with it.”

“That is an expression used in athletics Hermes. It refers to their diet while in training.”

“Oh, right sir. Well now that you mention it the yogurt being served to the team has been recently reformulated.”

“How so Hermes.”

“I don’t know sir”

“Then how do you know it has been reformulated?” asked Zeus.

“Because the yogurt container says so.”

“You didn’t read the nutrition label?”

“Who has time to read Sir,” replied Hermes.

“I suggest you fetch the new yogurt and have a look at the label. We wouldn’t have any of the old yogurt lying around would we?” asked Zeus.

“I just happen to have one of each with me sir.”

“You do? That’s strange,” replied Zeus.

“I love the stuff,” replied Hermes.

“Yes, you do seem to be a bit doughy these days. Hmm, it appears the only real change is that the serving size of the new yogurt is 8oz. Twice as much as that of the old yogurt. It seems it always had quite a bit of carbs.”

“4 oz? Who eats just 4oz at a sitting. That’s not even worth the energy sir.”

“Well Hermes, I am not Hippocrates but I do know a few things about the body and the intake of too much sugar is not good for it. If the impaling was not evidence enough then kindly look at Gluteus Maximus and tell me what you see.”

“His gluteus is really maximized. I believe the youth call it having too much ‘junk in the trunk sir.'”

“So what do you plan on doing about it.”

“Order a larger pair of shorts sir?”

“Pay attention Hermes. What do you plan on doing about the problem as a whole”

“Um, sweeten the plain yogurt with honey sir.”

“Good idea Hermes.”

“I will do so right away sir. Anything else ?”

“Yes. If you come across Pheidippides tell him to switch to the plain yogurt but not before he fetches Pandora for me.”

“Um, Pandora? Ok sir. Will do sir”

Holidays, Humor

A Conspiracy for the Ages

Leave a comment

The holidays are soon over. Can another ‘holiday’ come too soon. According to
the valentine related detritus already on display at the store, the answer is no.

Location : The dark basement of a warehouse located somewhere on the east coast of North America.

From separate entrances three men surreptitiously entered said warehouse. Three men who could be considered traitors to their own gender but loyal to one master. A master who can appear in multiple forms and colors and assume many aliases but all answer to the name of’legal tender’.

The three men are strangers to one another. The location of their pre arranged conclave was chosen during the previous year and only revealed to each of them the previous evening.

Each man introduces himself. There was Harry “Salutations “ Brown, Tony “Coco Bean” Burns and William “Don’t Call Me Shrink” Kowalski.

“Coco Bean. Really?” muttered Salutations Brown.

“Well, it used to be Fat Tony but I felt that played on a false stereotype people may have of us in the confection industry,” responded Coco Bean.

“Sounds sensitive enough,” agreed William, ” besides you go maybe 140 soaking wet.”

“So is it business as usual this year gentleman?” asked Coco Bean.

“Well if by usual you mean that both you guys make with the sweet talk generating expectations that cannot possibly be met and then I swoop in to pick up the pieces ,then yes, business as usual,” replied William.

“Yea , I see no reason to change. Why fix something that has been working for over 1700 years,” said Harry.

“I got to hand it to you Harry,“ said Coco Bean. “Your ancestors in business certainly knew how to craft a legend. Everyone loves a romantic martyr. Especially if he comes bearing chocolate and sticky valentines.”*

“You definitely have the poet in you Salutations. Here is to another banner Valentines Day. Long live the cash machine,” said William as he toasted with a glass of champagne.

“Long live the cash machine,” chimed in Coco Bean and Salutations as they raised their glasses”.

“So what fine location is the gathering next year gentleman?” asked Salutations.

“Hey you know the rules. We don’t choose the place. That is up to unknown others to decide” cautioned William.

“Yea, but I bet it will be someplace dark and dank,” replied Salutations.

“You would think the health care industry is in on the grift,”  said Coco Bean.

“Not yet,” replied William. They’ll wakeup, all that sugar has to be creating some new customers for them.”

*Thank you Mr. Costello.

A Place To Share Some Grins