Humor, personal growth, satire

Meme Throw Down

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The Rules of The Meme Throw Down

When in the course of Facebook events, it becomes necessary for one friend to dissolve the friendship of another friend through the powers of the internet, one must reevaluate the separate and equal station to which the natural laws of meme-dom* apply and that they require a decent respect to the opinions of internet friends.

We hold the rules of the Meme Throw Down to be self evident but in the name of friendship these rules are worth revisiting.

The system of which by one declares a winner in an arena where memes are pitted against each other is one which is primarily ruled by the emoji-score. **

Emoji-Score Calculation:

Thumb – The thumb , in most polite cultures , means that someone unequivocally agrees with you. Award one point for each thumb to your meme. If however you live in an impolite culture you are probably way too stressed to even get on FB and when you calm down you should spend more time on improving your society or getting out of prison.

Heart – The heart is straight forward and leaves no room for ambiguity. Someone loved your meme. Award two points for each heart to your meme.

Laugh – Laughter is highly valued in real life. It is the same in FB Land.
Your meme brought laughter into someone’s life. Award yourself 3
points

Wow – The wow emoticon is ambiguous. It could mean “Wow, That was Amazing.” But was it amazingly beautiful, disgusting or did it really mean “I’m amazed your haven’t been picked up by the authorities . Award no points to your meme for each Wow.

Sad Tear – In general the sad tear is also fairly obvious (see mitigating factors for exceptions). It means your meme caused unhappiness. It is the opposite of the laugh and is rarely a positive thing unless the intent of your meme is to bring attention to saving a living thing.

If you had no intent of saving a living thing deduct three points.

If your intent was to save a living thing than award your meme three points.

Angry Face. – The bottom line here is that you ticked someone off. If you think that you could tick someone off, don’t do it. This is the internet , this does not have to be in real time. You can engage your brain before you commit something. Yes, surprisingly enough I engaged my brain while I wrote this and edits were involved. These people are your friends. You don’t purposely try to anger your friends do you? If the answer is yes please deduct four points for every angry face, stop reading this post and seek the nearest counselor. As with all emotions there are grey areas. Refer to the mitigating factor section for more details.

Mitigating Factors.
– How people will react to your meme can be unpredictable and does not follow a normal distribution. Yes, sometimes, I am captain obvious. That said their frame of mind is something that could predetermine their reaction.
If their reaction seems to be an outlier you can choose to ignore the points but please do not ignore them. If their reaction gives your pause you may want to reach out to them and find out how they are. No joke here, I’m serious.

The Last and Most Important Rule.

Insults never change an opinion or successfully champion a cause.
If a meme uses the words, idiot, moron or derp you may want to reconsider your need to post the meme.

In many ways an internet meme is a lot like a bumper sticker. You have to ask your self if displaying the sticker is going to incite road range at the very most or change an opinion in the very least. The last time I checked Tibet is still not free and NFL fans still follow the Raiders , Patriots etc …, no matter how insulting the bumper stickers get.

*Hey meme is a word
Meme – a humorous image, video, piece of text, etc., that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.
DERIVATIVES
memetic |mēˈmetik, mə-| adjective
ORIGIN
1970s: from Greek mimēma ‘that which is imitated,’ on the pattern of gene.

Meme-dom however is not but if you have read my stuff before you know the power of the hyphen to transform pure B.S. into fine literary prose.

** See smart aleck comment #1 and substitute ‘emoji’ and ‘con’ adding hyphens where you are felt they are needed. Yea in the old days we called them emoticons but someone , a marketer no doubt, decided the name had to be shorter and cuter.

Life, Humor, Writing

Life is Saga

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We live therefore we know saga. We all have a narrative. Our lives tell a story. If we really pay attention to our lives we find that they are populated with interesting and even great characters. Myself included. Yes, I consider dust bunnies characters. I write fiction. I could also be considered a great character in someone else’s narrative. I’m convinced i’ve been called a character many times when coworkers and friends talk about their day to their loved ones.

“You’ll never believe what this character said today…”

The word saga has gotten a bad rap. Somewhere along the line modern culture has linked saga with drama. The pop use of drama itself is abused.
“You don’t want to get involved with them. They bring to much drama.”
“OMG , they’re into daytime television?”

A perusal of some olde fashioned writing tools, dictionaries, will reveal that drama is not even in the lexicon of the definition. The following description appears number one among most definitions. “A long story of heroic achievement, especially a medieval prose narrative in Old Norse or Old Icelandic: a figure straight out of a Viking saga.”

I am not naive in the belief that figures straight out of Viking Sagas were not without some drama. On more than one occasion during the saga of Erik The Red, a character must had the following conversation.

“Where ever Erik goes there is always some kind of drama, what with the pillaging and the looting and all.”

“You know it. Where his he now?”

“The town had him exiled again and he didn’t know what to do with himself. I told him to find an island to explore. That should keep him busy for a while.”

In between the looting and pillaging, what we have come to spin as “conquering,” lands were discovered, legends were born and tales told.

Your life is a saga,hopefully devoid of pillaging and looting, but a saga none-the-less. You are the protagonist in your story. Make sure your character is a nice one.  A heroic protagonist would be epic, but a nice person in the least. The world is populated with enough antagonists. By all accounts Erik The Red was not a nice guy.

You don’t get exiled from two towns in Iceland by being a nice guy.

So go live your saga but don’t be like Erik The Red. He brought a lot of drama.

This post happened as a result of  the daily prompt meeting my mind. Fortunately there were survivors.

Image – Summer in the Greenland coast circa year 1000 Jens Erik Carl Rasmussen (1841–1893) (public domain).
Saga

 

Humor, Political, satire

Pharma-Capitol Shenanigans (Pharmaceutical-Palooza Series)

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Location : Capitol Hill – An office in the Senate office Building. When: Late afternoon (after completion of a presentation by Hypochondriacs against Big Pharma Commercials).

“I don’t know about you Senator but I don’t think that went too well,” said Abe.

“Were you at the same session that I was at because I think that was a resounding success,” replied the Senator.

“Resounding? I don’t think there were more than 35 Senators there.”

“Yes , but at the beginning we had a full house.”

“But there were open seats.”

“When you get 70 senators out of a 100 to show up that’s a full house.”

“That is depressing.”

“No, that is reality.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not depressing. There was only 15 left at the end of a thirty minute presentation.”

“Yea that was your fault.”

“How was it my fault?”

“The average age of a US Senator is 60. You lost twenty senators at the mention erectile disfunction.”

“Why did that cause them to leave?”

“It reminded them that they needed a refill.”

“So when did I lose the rest?”

“You lost a few more at the mention of temporary memory loss, hemeroids and frequent urination. It was kind of a steady trickle after that.”

“You’re putting that all on me?”

“Well, that’s probably not fair. Our normal daily attrition rate is similar and for pretty much the same reasons.”

“Again, thats depressing.”

“It could have been worse.”

“How?”

“You could have mentioned side affects related to alcoholism. That would have emptied the place.”

“So whats our next move?”

“Well, normally I would conduct follow up meetings in the next couple of days but I will probably
wait until next week.”

“Why the wait?”

“Well, you got em stirred up a bit today. The frequent urinators will be back in the morning but It will take a few days for the hemorrhoid sufferers to calm down. It could be a while for the memory loss folks if at all.”

“If at all?”

“Yea, they could just think they’re retired. It’s happened before.”

 

Other posts in this series

Pharmaceutical-Palooza

The First Step is Admitting You Don’t Have a Problem

There is No I in Anonymous

Mr. Doe Goes To Washington

Humor, Political, satire, Television, Uncategorized

Mr. Doe Goes To Washington

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Location : Capitol Hill – An office in the Senate office building

The head of a senator pokes out from behind the door of his inner office.

“Doris, I am meeting with some constituents and I do not want to be disturbed for a bit.”

“Yes sir. They must be important constituents to blow off your committee meeting.”

“It’s an election year, all of my constituents are important.”

“Ooh. Are they lobbyists?”

“No, They’re hypochondriacs.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Both have irrational fears but the hypochondriacs don’t have any money to throw at their problems, only votes.”

“Ok, a half hour without being bothered, got it.”

Closing the door the Senator turned around to find his constituents arranged in front of him like a pair of his old socks bunched up around the ankles.

“So do I understand correctly people that later today I am to bring up your issue on the floor?”

“Yes sir, that is correct,”replied Abe.

“And what would that issue be,” asked the Senator.

“We sent you a power point presentation to bring you up to speed. Did you not get it?”

“Oh , I received it. I just haven’t had time to review it what with the debates and all. “

“But you’re not running,” stated Abe.

“No, but I have been taking notes so I could work the one liners into my weekly cocktail hour,” replied the Senator.

“Oh ok, Well I can summarize. Our issue is with the commercials being produced by Big Pharma theses days. As hypochondriacs it drives many of us to take on the symptoms of the medical issue the drugs are meant to address. “

“Now I remember. Can’t you just realize at the beginning of the commercial you haven’t been diagnosed with the particular medical problem?” asked the Senator.

“Would that we could sir. We’re hypochondriacs. Reason left our life stories some time ago. I would think you would be sympathetic to that.”

“Um, of course I’m sympathetic. I think?”

“With some of those commercials your lucky if you even realize the medical condition they are addressing.”

“Yes, I understand the problem but there are only ,what, ten of you here today?”

“Just a small sample of our group sir. Here is the petition I mentioned in the email. It has 20,000 signatures. All of whom are registered to vote.”

“Oh my, this is a problem. It must be addressed. I would like to lead off with the little blind kid with the white cane but I don’t want to appear I’m manipulating their emotions.

“Oh, he’s not blind. He’s a hypochondriac also.”

“Perfect it will humanize the issue without the exploit factor. Bring him up here.”

“Ok but he want’s to check his prostate first,” replied Doris.

Seeing the the boy kneel down and check his own ankles the Senator replied, “He seems confused.”

“He’s five years old,” replied his mother. “Would you like to show him where his prostate is?”

“No, thats quite alright.” This is a bigger problem than I thought.

Humor, satire

The Art of The Conspiracy

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In a dimly lit bar ensconced in the chill of a capitol hill winter afternoon, sit three men.

 

 

They are holding an impromptu meeting in light of some unexpected events. The three do not know each other but of each other. That’s the way this deal goes down.
That’s the way they like it. That’s the way it needs to be.

The first one to speak, with some reluctance, was the bearded one.

“If you recall, our most recent meeting discussed giving guidance, mentoring if you will, to a known public figure that may have desired to concoct a conspiracy involving a yet to be identified public figure.”

“I thought we knew who he was and what he wanted,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Shut your trap, you know he likes to dramatize for effect,” whispered Mr Panama.

“Well , we do know the man and certainly the world knows him, “ replied the bearded one.

“ To summarize, part of our council was to advise against direct involvement. Instead, we strongly suggested conspiracy by proxy, that he go through a third party to mechanize events.”
“Mechanize? Has he been watching too many mob movies?” uttered the unassuming bartender.

“Well, if he has do you really want to make him angry?” whispered Mr. Panama.

“Excellent point.”

“Well,” continued the bearded one. “It seems said public figure has ignored our advice and taken direct action. We are here to discuss potential fallout and can we say plausible deniability.”

“Um, yes, we can, um, I can,” answered the nondescript bartender.

“That wasn’t a question you dolt,” interjected Mr. Panama.

“Of course. I knew that. Hey, can I have a better name,” asked the nondescript bartender.

“No, as a member of a conspiracy, nondescript is perfect. It is , well, nondescript,” replied Mr.Panama. “That does remind me of a similar issue. Mr Bearded One, For clarities sake can I suggest we give those involved more distinct monikers?”

“Monikers? Did you just get a thesaurus,” asked the bartender.

“Yea, I’m improving myself. You gotta problem?

“No, It’s just an observation.”

“Distinct Monikers,” echoed the Bearded one. “Yes, we can do that. Let’s call the person seeking advice “pompadour.” His recently identified subject of the conspiracy will be called “the judge.”

“Oh, the picture is becoming clearer now,” said the nondescript bartender.

“Good because I thought I was going to have to do a paint by numbers thing with you two,” mumbled the bearded one.”

“It’s all over the news. How could we not connect the dots,” stated Mr. Panama.
“Yes, which is precisely the problem,” replied the Bearded One. “We need to make sure
we are insulated.”

“Refresh my memory. How did he get a hold of us in the first place,” asked the Bartender.

“A sandwich delivery with shall we say a little fiber,” replied the Bearded One.

“Oh, the old note in the sandwich trick,” said the Bartender.

“Yes but delivered to one of our couriers who then delivered it to the Bearded One,” added Mr Panama.

“So we are untraceable?”

“We should be,” said the Bearded One.

Just then the front door burst open and on its heals followed the last of the winter sun.

A silhouette appeared in the doorway in the shape of a man who could have been Elvis or some other guy with a pompadour.

“Oh no,” uttered Mr. Panama.

“How did you find us?” asked the barman.

“I just asked around for the best Margaritas on Capitol hill,” replied the new but confused arrival.”

“What’s with the miniature poodle on your head,” asked the barman.

“Oh, I let her do that as a puppy. Now it’s the only way she’ll go anywhere with me.

Humor, satire, Television

There Is No I in Anonymous

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Welcome back folks. We have some new members to Hypochondriacs Anonymous.
I want to welcome Deloris and Timothy Bogenfelter. I’m sorry Timothy did you have something to say.”

“Im Sorry Abe, my son wanted to use the name John Doe. You know, because of the anonymous part.”

“Oh, he’s quite smart isn’t he.”

“Well, he has his moments.”

“Deloris, Aren’t you being a bit harsh to your blind son. What was it? Soap poisoning?”

“What? Blind?”

“Well , he has the cane and he did knock over a few chairs on the way in.”

“Look again. He has his eyes closed.”

“Um, strange, I don’t understand.”

“He thinks he’s temporarily blind. I couldn’t turn off the TV in time before
the drug commercial got to the side effects.”

“I hear you, said Stuart.”

“Well, Timothy barely heard you,” added Deloris. “I had just made it to the TV when they were discussing hearing loss.”

“Sorry,” replied Stuart. “My wife has a good arm and regularly takes out the TV with a small planter.”

“That’ impressive,” added Abe.

“Yea, my wallets impressed,” replied Stuart.

“Deloris,“ said Abe. “We find that our success rate is directly tied to the attitude of the member and the goals they have. What is it that you hope to achieve here.?”

“Well, I’m not shooting for the roof. Getting Timothy to open his eyes would be a good start.”

“Thats very reasonable,” said Abe. “What about the long term? Can we go beyond the roof and shoot for the sky?”

“Well, I’ll tell you Abe, can I call you Abe?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t you?”

“Because Timothy thinks you made that name up.”

“Oh, I can assure you my name is Abe. Please continue.”

“Well, Abe I would like to get to the point where I don’t have to lock up my TV in the armoire.”

“Wow thats a pain.”

“Yes, my back would agree.”

“Abe, In the shoot for the stars category, I would like to do something about these commercials? Aren’t they regulated.”

“Well, there is some scrutiny as in all commercials but they are so full of legalese that they seem to have covered themselves. Maybe when Timothy gets older his understanding of the legalese will help him with his issues.”

“You are joking aren’t you? You don’t understand it. I don’t understand it. Nobody understands it. Do you realize how much damage he could do by the time he even gets a clue? My back will give out long before that happens.”

“I see your point. Well, we have talked with the other chapters about trying to get before congress.”

“Yea, how is that going.”

“Building momentum is slow. We have not been able to get the local chairmen to turn their backs on the media. Just when things start to pick up they see a Cialis commercial and we don’t hear from them for quite a while.”

“Maybe the problem is your chairmen are males.”

“Good point. We’ll have to work on that.”

“That’s fair. Now, can we clear out some of these chairs? Timothy has to find the bathroom.”

Humor, satire, Television, Uncategorized

The First Step is Admitting You Don’t Have a Problem (Pharmaceutical-Palooza cont)

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“Ok people, lets get our weekly Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting started.
We have a few business issues to get out of the way before we begin our session.

 

Remember, while there is a social aspect to the this group please exclude your feelings from your outside discussions. From what I hear quite a few of you got together with Howie Mamson for coffee last week and as a result this meeting is ten people short.

I believe all ten checked themselves in to City General with heart palpitations. The next time any of you see Howie, please remind him what the thought of caffeine does to him let alone drinking it.”

“Anyone have anything else to add? Yes, Stuart? Do you have something?”

“Yes, I do Abe. I just wanted to add that I had coffee with Howie and the group but I’m fine.”

“Very good Stuart, you’re making progress.”

Sam spoke up, “Not so fast. Abe, Stuart thought he lost his hearing that day so that was really the reason he wasn’t affected.”

“Thanks for ratting him, um, adding that information Sam.
So, he said he did not have a problem when if fact he had a problem which means he really has a problem and belongs here. Is that correct?”

“Um yea,” replied Sam. “It’s a good thing I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I’m going to need a drink.”

“Very well, lets move on to the next topic I want to discuss, commercials from Big-Pharma.”

“Oh, I can’t watch those anymore,” replied Sam.
“You know how hard it is to leave the house when you think you have bladder control issues, Crohn’s disease and ED?”

“Yes, Yes and no I have no clue, ” replied Abe. “That’s why we need to address the problem.”

“I don’t have a problem with the symptoms,” said Stuart. “It’s the side affects that are freaking me out. Oh sure the blindness is temporary but define temporary.”

“Which Is why I am going to recommend not watching any non recorded television,” replied Abe. Recording it will allow you to skip through the commercials. For those that are visually susceptible, I suggest they do not watch at all or have their significant other do the fast forwarding.”

“Abe. My wife is one of the ten in the hospital,” replied Sam.

“Oh well, I guess you’re going to have to quit watching all together or start net-flicking. “

“Folks; next weeks topic is “Avoidance may work but what about a solution.”
So have a good week and for gosh sakes people avoid any news about Zika.”

Humor, satire, Television, Uncategorized

Pharmaceutical-Palooka (2 For 1 on Side Effects)

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“You have reached Techno-psuedo-pharmica, my name is Derek. Can I help you”

“I sure hope so my son is a very suggestible hypochondriac”

“Hmm, well I am not sure we have a drug for that mam. Did you see a commercial that would suggest we do?”

“You can call me Deloris and I haven’t seen a commercial for that but you have one for every drug that you make and that is the problem.”

“I’m not following you Deloris.”

“Have you ever tried to explain to a five year old what a prostate is and that he can’t possibly have problems with his”.

“Uh, can’t say that I have.”

“Yea, well lucky you. Timmy, get over here and tell the nice man your problem.”

“I can’t mom, I’m checking my prostrate.”

“Timmy, the word is prostate. If you’re going to freak out at least be literate about it.”
“Derek, I’ll be a second.”

“Ok Deloris”

“Timmy, what are you doing? Oh for gosh sakes, your prostate is nowhere near your toes.”

“Derek, Here is Timmy. Timmy, tell him what you told me.”

“I have chronic prostrate problems.”

“Hi Timmy, do you know what chronic means?”

“Uh, its part of my prostrate?”

“Timmy, its prostate and you are much too young to have problems with it. Now go watch TV.”

“Timmy, give me the phone. Derek , TV is part of the problem. You’re not helping.”

“Sorry mam, Deloris, but you should regulate what he watches.”

“Easy for you to say, I have four other children Derek. You do the math.”

“I apologize Deloris.”

“Apology accepted Derek. But “Techno-Pharmacy-Whatsis” needs to get its act together by the time he hits puberty. Lord knows what will happen if he sees those ED commercials.”

“Yes Deloris, Have a nice day and thank you for calling Techno-psuedo-pharmica.”

Life, Memories, Uncategorized

Sometimes, It’s Just Too Much

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St. Peter was back at his podium before the gates.

 

 

 

He was just beginning to get back in to the swing of things when the days first shuttle announced its arrival.

Peter felt something he had not experienced in quite a long time, sadness.

The shuttle arrived bourn on the strains of a soliloquy by Professor Snape and supported by the melody of David Bowies “Heroes” leading into the Eagles “Best of My Love.”

Peters view of the shuttle became cloudy and he wiped a tear from his cheek.

“Sometimes , this job is just too much and vacations are way too few.”

 

 

 

 

family, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized

A White Elephant Never Wears The Same Stripes (Family Christmas)

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My family has a holiday tradition that we have religiously followed for as long as my siblings have had children. Since we were all buying presents for said children we decided that the gifts for the rest of the family would be part of a white elephant exchange.

Now, while we all thought that was a stroke of genius, I can’t quite recall whose idea it was.

I will admit that while it was not mine, I was quite happy with the decision. I was living in Northern Virginia at the time and spending way to much money on luxury items such as food and housing.

The tradition has become quite enjoyable and now includes all of the children. They did not want to miss out on the fun. Yes, we consider the verbal abuse of each other, in a structured setting of course, quite fun. Doesn’t everybody?

The gift exchange has become a time honored tradition. The rules however are not so much of a tradition but more of a yearly agreement.

I am pretty sure we have not played by the same set of rules in any one year let alone consecutive years.

Some of you may suggest “why don’t you just look up the rules on wikipedia or google them.”

For you I would have two responses: 1) Wikipedia, really, are you nuts? You are asking to crowdsource information on something no two people can seem to agree upon. 2) Where is the fun in that? Sure we spend at least a half hour negotiating the rules before we start the exchange but that only adds to the fun.

Among the usual topics for negotiation are determining who goes first. Yes, it sounds simple and we do draw numbers but after that the process is pretty much a crapshoot. We are a very creative family .

“ Is the lowest number first or last?”

“A reasonable question. Let’s do the opposite of last year. Does anyone remember what we did last year?”

“Do we weight the numbers with the age of the person and if so do the older or younger persons have more weight?”

Now these are the less imaginative of the ideas , with any large group of people the suggestions can get quite outrageous.

“Can we consider birth order?”

“We already discussed age of the person so we have covered that.”

“No, I mean by the month. Which month you were born in, so like January comes before February.”

“Interesting idea, So you being born in January has nothing to do with that idea?”

“Of course not.”

“Nice try. Next.”

“What are the rules of stealing?”

“Rules, You mean is it punishable by law? If so I am not sure you understand the concept of the white elephant.”

No, I mean is there a restriction on the number of times a a particular person can steal?

“You’re still angry at me for stealing your waffler last year aren’t you?”

“That was two years ago. Of course not.”

“There is not a restriction on the number of times anyone can steal.

There is only a restriction on the number of times an item can be stolen.”

“What if it’s a really good item? Shouldn’t everyone have a chance to steal it?”

“No. That would be a disaster of biblical proportions.”

“Ok, how about no gift can be stolen more than 3 times.”

“Sounds reasonable.”

There is a limit on the amount spent on the gift. That was set a few years ago and probably will not be up for renegotiation until all of the birds have flown the coop and are on their own. I for one hope that my fifteen year-old niece will be working on a doctorate.

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