I woke up from a dream the other morning with mixed feelings and the usual afterthoughts. Oh my what happened? Was that real? Was I abducted by aliens? Alien kidnapping is not a common theme in my dreams. My dreams usually involve being trapped on a desert island with a convent of evil nuns. Yes, I wake up screaming. The common response however is that I wake up after a dream thinking the events that occurred were real and afraid of the consequences of whatever actions I took in the dream.
This time the fear gave way to regret.
As I recalled more details, I realized why regret came into the picture. In the dream I was walking along a dark country road. Yes, I can hear your screams. “You wanted to get picked up by aliens. You were just begging for it.” Hey it’s a dream and I didn’t take enough Psych classes to be able to analyze the circumstances. Suddenly, a saucer appeared above me. Sadly it was the stereotypical model of all alien ships reported throughout time, saucer shaped and silver. I do believe some people have reported a cigar shape in their experiences but I’ve had enough Psych classes for that to confuse me. Thank you Sigmund Freud. I thought my creativity was worthy of something more than a saucer but sometimes the conscious goes with whatever is laying around.
Soon I felt weightless as a tractor beam pulled me skyward. If it wasn’t for Start Trek I would have been searching for a better term and quite frankly my imagination just comes up with stupid sounding stuff like invisible beam of anti gravity, which may have been what the concept was called before Star Trek.
Just like that, no fuss no muss, nary a hair out of place (my pajamas even looked pressed). I found myself in a nice comfy seat that looked like every gaming chair I had seen online. That is my only reference since I am not a gamer. I imagine gaming for long stretches of time requires some ergonomic engineering for comfort sake. I am not making fun. I used to be a very avid runner who discovered he needed bandaids on his nipples so I’d be the last to make fun of gaming chairs.
Looking around the command deck, I saw several figures that looked like every alien from every encounter of a strange kind as reported by every alien kidnap victim. There was one slight exception. Their color was unlike any reported by the afore mentioned victims. They were chartreuse. They were not silver or grey and not even a little bit green but chartreuse. I will point out to the reader that I am color blind but during the dream I checked a Pantone chart and their color, as near as I could tell, was definitely chartreuse.
This would not be significant until they revealed their plans to me.
The words “We have plans for you” popped into my head and in case there was any misunderstanding the words also flashed before my eyes like a heads up display. If this continued throughout the conversation, what was left of my sanity would be in peril.
“Excuse me, I understood you just fine without out the words being displayed on my eyeballs. Could you not do that please?
The words “very well” popped into my head but did not appear in my vision.
Since the voice was just happening in my head it was hard to identify which alien was responsible. I thanked them and his or their or whoever’s “voice” continued the plan recitation within my skull.
“We have been observing your kind for an amount of time measured in units a human simply cannot comprehend. It is suffice to say, in your terms, a shitload of time.”
“Ok,”Well what could I say.
“Go On”
“We have observed much strife across your planet and we have determined the causes are not complex and involve very few factors of origin. One of those factors has to do with something as insignificant as appearance, specifically color.”
It was clear they had been studying language patterns from human media.
Thankfully their communication had been devoid of acronyms. One FAFO and I am out of here, I thought.
“Well, you are not wrong there. That does seem to cause a lot of problems.”
“What is really, um…”
There was a pause here as the alien seemed searching for the right word.”
“What is really, um, puzzling, yes that’s it, what is puzzling is that we can discern no other major differentiation besides color. We do notice some barely perceptible differentiations and cultural differences but they should add to the experiences of your lives. The rest of your problems can be attributed to the quirks of being human and those alone should be enough without looking for others.
“So are you asking me for answers? I am not an expert on race relations.”
“Oh our question is opinion based and doesn’t require an expert or a deep philosophic understanding of anything really.”
“Ok, that sounds like right up my alley.”
“Excuse me? I don’t understand that colloquialism.”
“Yea, that word you just dropped, colloquialism is going to play havoc with SOA rules, never mind. That just means that I believe I am fully capable of giving anyone my opinion on absolutely anything and everything. Everyone says so. I think they mean it in a good way.”
“How do you feel about the color chartreuse?”
“Um, I don’t know. To be honest, I am color blind. I see the same colors as non color blind people but I call them different names. Would you happen to have a Pantone guide on you?”
Instantly one appeared before or rather in my eyes.
I spotted chartreuse, looked at the aliens and thought Oh, that’s what color you guys are.“You don’t see it very often but I rather like it.”
“Good, you see we think if we changed the color of all mankind to chartreuse there would be a lot less problems with humanity.”
“You can do that?”
“Yes, certainly. We thought about making everyone colorblind but in your species colorblindness doesn’t prevent you from being able to see shade differences. “
“True but there is still the problem of greed.”
“One problem at a time, we’re not gods.”
With that I woke and quickly checked the mirror.
The lack of even a ting of chartreuse validated that indeed it was a dream.
Just as well, I have enough problems color coordinating my clothes.