Category Archives: Humor

Things that make you LOL

Humor, Political, satire

Must See Tv

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When the election of 2016 had finished I realized that our president elect was not too far removed from his recent TV gig as a reality show host. I thought, “This will be interesting.”
To say the least that was an understatement.


Our conspiracy friends have an interesting take on the man in question and his reality show tendencies…

The dog days of summer had taken a hold of Washington DC like a  lobbyist on a politician. There was hardly any breathing room.

A small breeze from a few ceiling fans waltzed across the sweaty faces of three familiar and only occupants of a certain unassuming neighborhood bar on Capitol Hill.

Mr. Panama * was holding court and was about to reveal what he believes  to be the underlying cause of the wild actions of the currant occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 

Well, the recent actions, this past week.

“You’re pausing for effect aren’t you,” asked the bearded man.

“Of course. Could there be any other reason?” asked Mr Panama.

“That or perhaps the brat you just ate did not agree with you,” replied the bearded one.** 

“No, it’s for effect. May I continue?”

The nondescript bar tender and the bearded one replied in unison, “Please get on with it.”

“All right. So back to my theory that would explain the recent hi-jinks of the current leader of the free world.”

“Yes, we’re on the edge of our stools. Please.”

Do you agree the said occupant is not so far removed from being host of the TV reality show “The Apprentice”.

“I  agree,” replied the bearded one.

“I think he always wanted to be a network TV programming director and I believe that is  the model he is using for his presidency,” said Mr. Panama.

“I don’t watch much TV but I heard a rumor to that effect,” replied the bartender.

“Could you explain further,” asked the bearded one.

“I was about to after adding an additional pause for effect.”

“Any more pauses and the only effect you will observe is the sight of us asleep,” replied the bartender.

“I believe the recent activities of our president were examples of pilots of reality shows he and some of his aids plans on developing for the networks.”

“Which aides are you referring to?” asked the bartender.

“There is no point in naming them. Aids in this administration
are like red shirted Star Trek crew members. Their time in the spotlight won’t be long,” replied Mr. Panama.

“So if they are pilots who is the audience,” asked the bearded one.

“The press and whatever polls are being taken at the time.”

“What if the poles are negative,” asked the bartender. 

“He doesn’t mind that so much because what he is looking at is the percentage of respondents having expressed an opinion. The less he sees with “No opinion” the better. If they have an opinion they’re paying attention. He believes they are the ones that would tune into the show(s).”

“So what are the shows he’s pitching,” asked the bartender

Mr Panama replied, “”So you want to buy an Island?” tested out very well.”

“That Greenland story had a lot of people paying attention.”

“But a lot of them were late night comedians,” added the bearded one.

“Doesn’t matter its free publicity.”

“His other pilot program has been going on for a while with no known name but I think they have a name for it now and it’s called “What is our policy today?

It’s inspired by the Mar-a-lago 3.”

“Who,” asked the bearded one.

“Good friends of his that are members of the Mar-a-largo club.

Supposedly they are directing policy for the Veterans Administration,” replied Mr. Panama.

“The show will consist of successful members of Trump’s outer circle of friends suggesting new policies for random Government agencies.”

“Why are they considered successful?” asked the bearded one.

“Duh, they’re all rich. You should know that by now,” responded Mr. Panama.

“That ought to be interesting ,”  said the  bartender.

“They come up with a new policy and then apply it to a random agency.”

“ That doesn’t seem to be a good strategy,” remarked the bearded one.

 “Shouldn’t they craft a strategy for a particular agency,” asked the bartender.

“Probably but it is good television and the president  knows good television.”

“It will be interesting to see how this theory plays out ,” said the bearded one.

“I can’t wait for sweeps week,” added the bartender.

  • Full name Mr. Panama Hat. See my conspiracy series of blog posts.
  • * This character is only known as “The Bearded One” or ” Bearded One.” Again see the above link.
Humor, satire

Fake Historians and the Loss of Luggage During the Revolutionary War.

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The educational institutes of America are failing us.

How else can we explain the national reaction as one of surprise and vacant looks
when our fearless leader praised the colonial army for defending airports during the revolutionary war? 

How could the concept of air power during the birth of a nation be overlooked?

I’ve entertained quite a few explanations as to how this gap in our collective consciousness could have occurred.  Only one explanation makes sense, fake historians.

The only way to counteract fake historians is to develop an alternate history curriculum.

A peek into a classroom using  such a curriculum might look like this:

“Now class lets do some review for the upcoming history exam. I am going to ask some questions that could be on the test. If you think you know the
answer politely raise your hand.”

“How many candles were used to signal the arrival and mode of transport  of the invading British forces?”

“Yes Dianne, how many.”

“Two miss Simpson.”

“That is incorrect. How about you Katie?”

“Three candles mam.”

“Correct and what did they stand for?”

“One if by land, Two if by Sea and Three if by British Airlines courtesy shuttle.”

“Correct Katie. Certainly less romantic than the vision of Mr. Revere atop a muscular steed galloping through the night but much more pragmatic.”

“Why were the solders cold at valley forge?”

“Yes Bobby.”


“Their winter clothes were in their luggage that was lost making a connection at Ohare airport.”

“Correct Bobby.”

“Can anyone tell me about the stamp act?”

“How about you Jason?”

“New History teaches us that the stamp act was British Airways attempt at redefining their frequent flyer program.”

“Correct and how exactly did they redefine that program?”

“Yes Alicia”

“By resetting everyone’s milage to 0 to avoid pay out to a large number of members that had accumulated enough for any awards.”

“Outstanding Alicia.”

“What do we know about the Boston Tea Party?”

“How about you Simon.”

“New History reveals to us that the Boston Tea Party occurred in the British Airways lounge at Logan International Airport when a large group of frequent flyer members stormed the lounge to assert their right to the use of the lounge under the old frequent miles program.

One additional act of civil disobedience was carried out by the patriots. They stole the lounges entire stock of tea. No one knows exactly became of the tea but many historians believe the large amount of tea was personally used by the patriots involved in the occupancy of the lounge. They point to historical records that suggest that the patriots involved with the siege showed signs of severe insomnia.”

“Very good. Class I am impressed. I believe you will do well on the exam. Also, make sure you are not paying attention to any history books you may have from previous  classes.

Humor, personal growth

But I don’t want to be PC

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Apparently our society is too busy and we can’t be bothered to use whole words.

We have to make up or create acronyms to express ourselves in a quicker manner than using real words. In doing so, many times we lose the original meaning.

One such word or phrase in question is the term “politically correct” or PC for short .

PC in its pure form means being nice to people. If you feel the need to rename it, use the term that is already in existence. Most people refer to it as the Golden Rule. Treat people the way that you would like them to treat you. I have never had anyone tell me “I would be more comfortable if  you would treat me like shit thank you.”  or “I would really appreciate it if you would just keep me in the dark and pour poop on me. Think of me as a mushroom.”

If you have heard either of those phrases expressed to you then perhaps you need to re-evaluate the people you choose to associate with or the activities you are taking part in.

I have heard mentioned during conversations I have had with people the phrase “You have to be careful what you say.  It’s not PC.”

Whenever said person uses this phrase, what they are really saying is that they want to be asshats to people without any repercussions. This of course is their prerogative but they should not be surprised when they are unable to make new friends and their existing friends re-evaluate the quality of their friendship and prune out the asshats in their lives.

Sometimes it takes a culture maturing until they realize that a term or a name that has been in use for a long period of time is not nice (PC).

One of the most widespread examples of this phenomenon has to do with the name or mascot of their favorite sports team.  Case in point: The Washington Redskins.

One would think that it’s obvious that Redskins is offensive in the least and at most its racist. 

Apparently that idea is either not obvious or fans of the team have convinced themselves that “Redskins” is not either.

 If a group of people say something offends them then perhaps you should pause for thought.

There is no scientific  magic number as to the size of the group needed for true change to take place. Unfortunately it takes someone losing money because they are being boycotted.

If the Redskins don’t care about being kind than perhaps they could think of their pocketbooks.

They should think of it as an opportunity to sell all new team paraphernalia to existing fans in addition to selling it to new fans, many of which may have come on board because of the name change.

Humor

Pampered offspring

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Rich people directly* bribing “elite” universities to accept their offspring. It had to happen eventually. That celebrities were involved should be no surprise. What was a surprise is that none of the celebrities were offering parts in movies to sweeten the pot.

By sheer coincidence, the new University of Kansas football head coach acted in movies in between coaching gigs.

I’m sure movie stars could get an administrator inked for a cameo deal in exchange for accepting one or all of their offspring.

“Privilege University Admissions how can I help you?”

”Yes, I’m doing a survey for Amalgamated Entertainment. Can you participate in a short survey?”

“Hmm, you sound familiar. Do I know you?

 “Have you spent any time in Poughkeepsie?”  

“No I haven’t”.

 “Are you sure?”

 “I think I would remember that.”

 “Not necessarily, I grew up there and can’t remember a thing.”

 “Do you have time to participate in a short survey?” 

“I have time to answer just a few questions.”

“ Do you happen to know what kind of movies the head of admissions favors?”

“Interesting question.  He won’t admit it but he’s big into Romantic Comedies.”

“Rom Coms huh. Well thank you for your input.”

“Is that it?”

“I said it was a short survey. Have a good day.”

“Ok, bye”.

Ring, Ring.

“Privilege University Admissions how can I help you.”

“Can I speak to the dean of admissions?”

“Now you definitely sound familiar”

“You spend any time in Sheboygan?”

“No can’t say I have.”

“That is a shame. It’s a nice quiet place to chill out”

“So about the dean?”

“Oh I’m sorry the dean is out with some business in Hollywood.”

“Oh that’s right, he did mention it. It’s a shame that I lost his cell number. I think he really would be excited to hear from me.”

“I can give that to you. It’s 555-555-yada yada.”

“Thanks.” 

“Don’t mention it.”

Ring Ring.

“Oh hello dean. You’ve been popular today.”

“Yea, about that. Do you know anything about me being cast for a part in “Women In The City 3”?”

Hollywood Photo by Nathan DeFiesta on Unsplash

*As opposed to the old fashion method of daddy and/or mommy donating
a large chunk of the green stuff to grease the skids of admission for little Johnny or little Lisa.

Humor

A person is smart* (People not so much)

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Men In Black: “A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it.”.

  MIB came out after I had already formulated my theory on group intelligence. The majority of official studies on the matter had concluded that the collective IQ of the group is not as influential as group dynamics and dominant personalities. 

    My theory is much simpler and not based on years of research, group studies or pretty little ink stains.

It is based on empirical observation, also known as paying attention.

My version is much more pessimistic, in fact it’s downright cranky.  My theory is stated as follows:  I postulate that a person is smart, a couple of people are dumb and a bunch of people are barely functional.”  The bigger the group the dumber it is.

Example in point:

In 1986 I was living in Washington DC and working in Alexandria Va. During normal conditions the commute was twenty minutes either way. One day a winter storm caused the return home to take over four hours.

    The  problem in that case was initiated by a large group of people making a decision. The decision had no chance of being a good one. The DC government had waited too long to decide something and then that something was stupid. They let all the government employees go home at the same time. That time being 2pm. 

   What ensued for me was four hours of the following routine.

1) Drive ten feet.  2) Stop and get out of my truck. 3) Push the car with Florida plates in front of me out of its predicament. Yes, it seems there was a large group of Florida plates. 4) Get back in my truck and drive ten more feet. 5) Shampoo, rinse , repeat. ** Four hours and a sore back later I finally arrived at my home.  

   What came in the days to follow was the usual finger pointing as to who did decided what about whom. If they had asked me, I could have saved them the time and trouble. 

   “Gee Dan what did we do wrong?” 

  “You used the word we. Does that represent a bunch of people?”

   “Yes, Dan, I believe it does.” 

   “Ok that sheds some light. I believe you used the word “we” as in “we were making a decision.”  “

   “Yes, Dan we were.” 

   “There you have it then.”

   “Excuse me. What are you saying?” 

   “You were doomed from the start. The odds of a large group of people making a good decision are practically nil.”

   The situation is far from hopeless. I propose a national database that we will call “The official grand list of all the stupid things a bunch of people have decided across the ages,” or the OGLSD for short.

 Not a catchy name? I’m not married to it.***   OGLSD would definitely contain the DC Government decision of the winter of 1986 and help folks to avoid repeating the same stupidity.

 Of course “folks” is plural and may involve a bunch of people so there is always a chance a dominant personality could talk them into ignoring the past.

A historic example that may or may not be contained in the OGLSD.+

The soldiers of Troy: 

“Hey it’s a wooden horsey. Should we bring it in,” asked Ardania.

“What harm could it do,” replied Colonae.

“I agree with Colon,” replied Piletus

“Piletus, Thanks for agreeing with me but you know how I feel about that nickname. Please its Colonae.”

“What does the King think,” asked Ardania.

“He doesn’t care what I am called,” replied Colonae.

“No. What does he think about the horse,” replied Ardania.

“The King does not want to be bothered and has delegated the decision to me. What say the rest of the soldiers,” asked Piletus.

“I took a poll and most of the soldiers that were sober thought it could do no harm,” replied Colonae.

The rest is history


*The people who publish The Darwin Awards may disagree. 

**No its a figure of speech. The logistics of actually doing it would be quite difficult and would be slightly less dangerous than texting while driving.

*** If you have a better alternative then suggest it by clicking on the comment button at the end of this post.

+ I mean how often do you wake up to a giant wooden animal outside your gated community.

Image by 13smok from Pixabay

Humor

Disorder in The Senate (entitlements)

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Scene –   Senatorial Hearing (Grilling) of Nominee for the ” FIB” position ( fill in the blank)

“Welcome, Mr. Appointee. How are you doing this fine day?”

“I’m doing well thank you.”

“ I have just a few questions for you and then we’ll let you go. I’m sure you have better things to do than answering stupid questions.”

“Oh, I live for them.”  

“Pardon?”

“Um, Ok Senator.”

 “I don’t think you have clarified your views are on this next subject. How do you feel about entitlements?”

  “They’re the bane of society and I think they should be discouraged in favor of the good old American idea of working for a living.”

“Excellent thoughts Mr. Appointee and thank you. I have no further questions. I yield the floor to my colleague across the aisle and  from the great state of great states.”

“Mr. Appointee I thank you for your time today. I would like to go back to one of your previous responses and clear up some detail
that I believe is missing.”

“That’s fine by me Senator.”

“You had responded to a question by my colleague from the great states of great states.”

“Which state was that?”

“ The great one. It was the question about entitlements.”

“Oh yes, I hate them.”

“Yes, I gathered that. In particular what entitlements do you not like.”

“Well, social security for one. People collecting social security and not contributing  to society.”

“If I may Senator, could you read this definition from the dictionary.”

“Oh, a reading test. What happens If I fail?”

“Unfortunately nothing, in fact, you’ll probably get re-elected.”

“e-n-t-i-t-l-e-m-e-n-t.  entitlement : the state or condition of being entitled.”

“That’s one meaning but it doesn’t describe how you get to that state in the first place. If you read the second meaning it will tell us how the condition of entitlement is reached. Can you read that one also?”

“These are getting harder. entitlement : a right to benefits specified  by law or contract.”

“Correct. When we are talking about social security we are saying that people have a right to those benefits because it’s part of the contract. They pay a tax from their paycheck and that money goes to fund social security payments. They are entitled to those payments because it’s their money.”

“Oh, so it’s their money. Wow, you just blew my mind. I haven’t had that done since the sixties. ”

“Oh, I doubt that. On that note, I move to adjourn until tomorrow morning.”

Like thoroughbreds breaking out of the gate the Senators made a beeline for the exit.”

Heard above the din were various exclamations to the gist of  “So that’s what it means, “I second that” and “Oh boy leftover meat surprise again”.

Baseball, Humor

Waiting For Leo Durocher

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The clouds were puffy, the air was sweet and all was well in heaven save for the myriad of Cub fans lucky enough to call heaven their forever home.

Sure they had the same amenities as the rest of the tenants but they had departed the mortal plane wanting. There were plenty of blue sky occupants disgruntled with the circumstances with which they came to find their selves aboard the heavenly bus. Cub fans, in particular, held onto their disappointment ironically like grim death. Living their entire lives without witnessing the Cubs win a World Series stuck with them through many phases of their lives including their last.

You may think  that in the grand scheme of life a lousy trophy is a dust mote in an endless beam of sun but spend some time around Cub fans and understanding may be yours.

During the ebb and flow of the 2016 baseball season, there existed an undertow of excitement among baseball fans both living and dead. Seasoned Cub fans tempered the current atmosphere with pain from the past. They had been on this bandwagon before and derailment had left long-lasting scars. By the close of September, most were firm believers that this time the Cubs were going to make it to the final destination. There was still one solitary soul who thought there was time for one more epic derailment. He had cause. He was Leo Durocher. He was at the helm of the loveable losers during their infamous 1969 season. Many fans and writers alike labeled 1969  the year of the “Miracle Mets”. Repeat after me there was no miracle that year. The Cubs choked. They led their division by nine games in September before going on a road trip they never returned from.

During the seventh game of the 2016 World Series, the view of Cleveland stadium to those in the hereafter was, well, heavenly. The game played out before them in a panoramic 360 and not one seat was a bad one.  If you were monitoring the comings and goings of the crowd, you would notice during the sixth inning the arrival of the aforementioned Leo Durocher. As with all Cub fans he had finally cast aside his past in the belief that after 108 years, this was the Cubs time. It was the seventh game and it was theirs to win.

During the late innings of the game, the unthinkable happened. After leading the first seven innings the Cubs could not close the back door. Cleveland snuck in some runs and tied it in the eighth inning. Nobody mustered any runs in the ninth so the game was heading into extra innings.

The grand view from heaven became obscured by clouds of all things and rain began to fall upon Jacobs* field. Cubs fans on the mortal plain would later say, tongue in cheek,  that the ensuing delay was a gift from heaven. Fans from the celestial sphere sitting in the vicinity of Mr. Durocher would later recall his tear moistened cheeks and the incongruous smile he wore that seemed to clear the clouds.

He knew the Cubs would win but not without strumming the fans heartstrings one more time. That was the Cubs way. 

The game resumed after a brief delay and the Cubs proceeded to vanquish the ghosts of 1969, pulling the bandwagon into the final destination and taking with them millions of fans from both sides of the ethereal plane.  If one glanced briefly one could see the ghost of Leo Durocher manning the engine and silently crying.

* Sorry. the game of baseball is too steeped in tradition for anyone to call it Progressive field.

Humor, Writing

Insists

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I sat in my perch lording over my domain, the snow-kissed streets lay before me.

Too early to be tainted by man nor beast. A perfect moment held to

myself as warm as the cup in my hands. This would be a brief respite.

There was an untamed beast in the room that had to yet be sated.

It was hungry and demanding. It had been reasonably well behaved

all week. Satisfied with short visits during the week, an hour here, a

half hour there. The weekend had arrived and it’s drum beat could

not be ignored. It needed words. It demanded. It insisted. I

descended from my perch and sat before the keyboard, ready to

atone for my misdeeds.

 

The was written in respose to The Daily Post.

Yes , the SEO scores for this suck as well 🙂

Humor

Inkling

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It had no form. It never had. It was always there and not.

It settled on the cusp of reality from the beginning of everything.

It would be there until the end of it all.

It had lured poets and scientists.

It had tempted the best and the worst of all beings.

It’s song had woven its way into the hearts of many a promising

young dreamer.

Many had tried to encircle, corral or cajole it.

Whose to say whether they succeeded.

It had beckoned many races, creeds, colors and sentient beings through out the galaxies and across the ages.

It had wrapped its etherial tendrils around all that came seeking, though none complained.

It has always been, the notion that something greater could be found.

For those who sought failed, those that ran could not hide.

It was, it is and would be an inkling.

 

This was written in response to the daily prompt.

 

The SEO scores for this really suck.