Category Archives: Humor

Things that make you LOL

Humor

Downtime for St. Peter (The Further Adventures of Herbert the Celestial Assistant)

1 Comment

Herbert was relaxing in the layover lounge (aka The Between Assignments Cubicle) and pondering the possibilities for his next assignment. He was a bit nervous as to what the future held for him. During his career as heavenly assistant he had worn many hats. Some had looked good on him and some had put him on Mr. Blackwell’s list.

He had been thinking about his very first task. It began as building hills but he was elevated* to head mountain builder. It seemed like yesterday but in heaven there really was no concept of time. His revery was interrupted by Solomon, no not that Solomon.

The truth was this Solomon was at the end of the line when the bucket of brains had run out. Rumor has it that tomato soup was substituted. Too bad a grilled cheese sandwich didn’t come with it.

“Time for your next assignment Herb,” announced Solomon.

“Could you call me Herbert? Only the big guy calls me Herb,” said Herbert.

“You mean God?”, asked Solomon.

“Yes of course. Is there another big guy?”

“Well no, but no one calls him big guy.”

“Oh, you don’t say. He doesn’t seem to mind.”

“Never mind that. You have your new assignment. It is only temporary though. You are vacation relief for Peter. “

“The heavenly gates Peter?”

“Yes of course. Is there any other?”

“Well there has to be. He can’t be the only Peter in heaven can he?”

“Probably not but lets not get exi, existen, uh deep. You are pulling relief duty at the heavenly gates”

“So Peter is taking a vacation?”

“Yep. He hasn’t had one since disco was popular.”

“Oh really. Did he have anything to do with that?”

“No and if he had any say it wouldn’t have ever happened. Don’t bring up leisure suits either. It will really get him started.”

“Um, Ok. So where does one go when you take a vacation from Heaven?”

“Colorado of course.”

“Makes sense, I did my best work there.”

“Here we are.”

“St. Peter this is Herbert”

“Nice to meet you Herbert. I’ll take it from here Solomon.”

“Right. Good luck Herbert”

“Thanks.”

“Ok Herbert. The job is pretty simple really. Here is the master list for today,” said Peter handing him a clipboard.

“A clipboard really? I was expecting something cooler.”

“This is heaven we don’t throw away what works. Pay attention Herbert.
Everyone on the list gets in. You will get a new list each day.”

“Everyone on the list gets in?”

“Yes of course. You were expecting that only the cool people got in ?
This isn’t a trendy New York nightclub.”

“I was looking forward to some judging.”

“Sorry to disappoint you but that has already take place.”

“Bummer. Must be depressing for you.”

“Not at all. Too much responsibility comes with that whole judging thing. So
back to the training part if you don’t mind. The enrollees will show up
periodically during your shift. You will ask them their name and check it
against the list.”

“What’s the point of a list if they all get in,” asked Herbert.

“Because from time to time there will be an error in routing.”

“Oh, kind of like an airline losing your luggage.”

“No, it’s nothing like that. So, are you always a smart ass?”

“Yea, it’s kind of my thing.”

“Oh, ok. Well try to tone it down a bit. These folks have just departed
their corporeal existence and may not appreciate your brand of
smart-assery.”

“Sorry, I’ll work on it. What happens if they are not on the list?”

“You apologize profusely for the mixup and you ring this bell. Someone will
respond immediately to take them to their final destination.”

“You’re right, it’s nothing like an airline losing your luggage.”

“If they are on the list you give them this pamphlet,” said Peter handing
him a sheet of parchment.

“Parchment?”

“It still works.”

“Oh, yea,” replied Herbert as he read the pamphlet.”

So Your Dead. Now What?

“Catchy Title”

“Thanks. I came up with that myself.”

“Keep your day job.”

“What.”

“Nothing. Continue”

“Well. You give them a chance to read the pamphlet and then answer any
questions they may have.”

“I’m not sure I can answer any questions they have. “

“Don’t worry. As I said they are kind of numb when they get here and do not
tend to ask too many questions. Most of their questions will crop up at the
next weigh station. Those folks will handle it. Besides, I will be with
you the entire day and by the end you’ll be a pro. Don’t worry.”

“Ok, lets get to greeting.”

“Pardon?”

“You know. It’s kind of like being a Walmart greeter.”

“No, no it’s not. What did I tell you?”

“Knock off the smart-assery?”

“Yes. Please”.

The story continues.

*pun intended

Humor, Uncategorized

On the Fourth Day Herbert Created Hills

2 Comments

It was the fourth day of creation and God, the creator, the big guy, the big girl or however you refer to him/her/it in your belief system, summoned one of the new aides, Herbert, to create hills.

“Herbert. Can I call you Herb?”

“Sure whatever floats your boat big guy.”

“Herb. I called you here to give you your purpose, the job that will be your responsibility and your’s alone.”

“Ooh, sounds exiting big guy. Drop it on me.”

“Drop it on you?”

“Yea it’s a saying”

“Not anymore it’s not.”

“Yea, It’s stupid. I don’t know who started it.”

“Pay attention Herb. Your job is to build hills.”

“Hills?”

“Yea here is an image as an example.”

“Wow, you showed it right on that bush. How did you do that?”

“A mere parlor trick. Now pay attention and study the example. You are

responsible for all the hills that will be built.”

“All of them? As in every one of them?”

“Of course. This world is just getting started so that is the only meaning.”

“Wow. I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Of course you can. I have supreme confidence in you and that’s coming from me, God. If I am behind you, you can’t go wrong.”

“Hey that is catchy. Can I use it?”

“Sure, why not. Many motivational speakers will make money off of it in the future.” Hmm I wonder if I can get royalties? , he thought.

“OK, big guy. I’ll give it my best shot. Where do I start?”

God replaced the image of a hill with a map. “Well, I was thinking of a place that will be named after St. Francis. I call it San Francisco.”

“Cool. I will drop some really nice hills on that.”

“Drop?”

“Sorry, I will create some really nice hills there.”
“Create? I am THE creator but I know what you mean.”

“OK, I will go forth and ‘hillafy.’”

“What? That is definitely not a saying.”

“No, but it can be one.”

“No, it can’t.”

“Very well. I’ll get right on it.”

“I will be back in a few hours to check on the results. If you do well, you will be doing the rest of the hills on this planet”

“Will do big guy.”

God went off to ponder his metaphorical navel* and decide who was going to be creating mountains.

Two hours had gone by and he had yet to decide. He had assigned the lake project, the tree project and had formulated the existence of blue navel lint but for mountains he was at a loss. He decided now would be a good time to check on Herbert.

God decided he would start at a place that eventually would become Chinatown. According to his map it should only be a 5 block walk up to what would be known as Knob Hill.

Much puffing later he had reached the top of the hill. Geez, That felt like 20 blocks. I have got to do more cardio, he thought. He turned to look back at the origin of his hike and was shocked to see how steep the climb had been. Well, I feel better about the shape I’m in but this isn’t a hill. It’s a mountain. I hope I can catch Herb before he can do more damage.

God turned to survey his surroundings and saw Herb making his way up the hill from the area that would be Pacific Heights. Herb arrived a few moments later huffing and puffing.

“Well, gasp, I’m, gasp, done.”

“What do you mean done?”

“I’m, gasp, done with, gasp, all the, gasp, hills for, gasp, this town.”

“Oh, um, good. I like what you’ve done with it. You have proven yourself worthy for a more difficult task however and I am promoting you. Your new title will be maker of mountains.”

“I quite like that,” replied Herb.

“I thought you would. It will make a good band name,” said God.

“Pardon?”

“Oh nothing,” said God.

“I want you to create something like this in this area.” He then displayed a new map image. “If I like what you have done there you will then move on to the continental divide.”

“With a name like that I presume it needs to be real big.”

“Yes, it should be but something tells me you will do just fine.”

* Great band name. Feel free to use it.
Catch Herbert’s next adventure.

Humor

Beware of Greeks Baring Yogurt

Leave a comment

As a type two diabetic I have to watch my carb intake carefully.
My Father was a type one diabetic for most of his life. My memories of the toll that it took on his body haunts me every time I put food in my mouth. When my ‘go-to’ Yogurt was reformulated, the end result was that the amount of carbs it contained had more than doubled, or had they? A comparison of the nutritional label of the new vs the old formula revealed something different was going on. The label of the new formula was now using 8oz as the serving size. The old label had used 4oz. Needless to say I was a bit upset at myself for thinking I was eating a low carb yogurt in the first place. I guess some part of my mind thought “who eats just four oz of yogurt” when reading the label and it substituted 8oz. Flimsy explanation? Sorry that’s all I got. Needless to say I wasn’t too satisfied either and I went to bed quite cranky. That may explain why I dreamt the following.

The morning sky loomed over Mt Olympus and the rays of the sun shown upon Zeus as he observed the Greek Olympic team working out. Up until now he thought they had an excellent chance to win medals at the first Olympics. Now he was pondering the first Olympic boycott. He was concerned with what he saw and had sent a message to summon Hermes for a discussion.

“You wanted to see me Dad,” said Hermes as he arrived huffing and puffing.

“Yea, like an hour ago,” replied Zeus. “Didn’t I tell you to call me sir in public.”

“Um, Yes Sir. Yea sorry about taking so long but Pheidippides seems to be out of shape these days. Normally he would accompany me back but he’s really gassed today.”

“That seems to be going around,” said Zeus. “Observe carefully as our team practices and tell me what you see.”

“Well at first glance they look fine,” replied Hermes.

“I said observe not glance.” admonished Zeus.

“Sorry sir I will give a sincere look,” said Hermes.

“Well a sincere look is an improvement but far from observing carefully,” said Zeus.

“Sorry again sir I will observe, um..”

“Carefully,” interjected Zeus.

“Yes, That’s it. I will observe carefully,” said Hermes.

“Pay attention Hermes, you’re on shaky ground. I hear Pandora is looking for a gig. You’re just lucky I can’t trust her.”

“Well sir they do seem a bit sluggish.”

“Go on. Anything else?”

“Well the javelin thrower seem to be a tad off sir.”

“You consider an impaling just a tad off?”

“No sir what I meant to say was that his aim was off and now they are carrying Tad off the field. I do hope he pulls through. He’s our best chance at a medal in the pentathlon.”

“So tell me Hermes. Do you have any idea how their performance could drop off so drastically?”

“Outside of the slight, um, complete impaling, I don’t think they’re that bad sir.”

“Oh really. Take a look at our hammer thrower. Does something look odd?”

“I don’t seem to see him sir.”

“Well Hermes do you see that man right there.”

“The one who is lying down and appears to be holding a hammer?”

“Yes, that’s the one. I am not an expert but I am pretty sure that is the hammer thrower and that passing out in mid throw is not proper technique.”

“Yes. I would have to agree with you sir.”

“So as I was saying do you have any idea how they have reached this sorry state?”

“Well sir, not right off the top of my head.”

“Any changes in their regimen or the training table?” asked Zeus.

“Training table sir? I hardly see what the table in the training room has to do with it.”

“That is an expression used in athletics Hermes. It refers to their diet while in training.”

“Oh, right sir. Well now that you mention it the yogurt being served to the team has been recently reformulated.”

“How so Hermes.”

“I don’t know sir”

“Then how do you know it has been reformulated?” asked Zeus.

“Because the yogurt container says so.”

“You didn’t read the nutrition label?”

“Who has time to read Sir,” replied Hermes.

“I suggest you fetch the new yogurt and have a look at the label. We wouldn’t have any of the old yogurt lying around would we?” asked Zeus.

“I just happen to have one of each with me sir.”

“You do? That’s strange,” replied Zeus.

“I love the stuff,” replied Hermes.

“Yes, you do seem to be a bit doughy these days. Hmm, it appears the only real change is that the serving size of the new yogurt is 8oz. Twice as much as that of the old yogurt. It seems it always had quite a bit of carbs.”

“4 oz? Who eats just 4oz at a sitting. That’s not even worth the energy sir.”

“Well Hermes, I am not Hippocrates but I do know a few things about the body and the intake of too much sugar is not good for it. If the impaling was not evidence enough then kindly look at Gluteus Maximus and tell me what you see.”

“His gluteus is really maximized. I believe the youth call it having too much ‘junk in the trunk sir.'”

“So what do you plan on doing about it.”

“Order a larger pair of shorts sir?”

“Pay attention Hermes. What do you plan on doing about the problem as a whole”

“Um, sweeten the plain yogurt with honey sir.”

“Good idea Hermes.”

“I will do so right away sir. Anything else ?”

“Yes. If you come across Pheidippides tell him to switch to the plain yogurt but not before he fetches Pandora for me.”

“Um, Pandora? Ok sir. Will do sir”

Holidays, Humor

A Conspiracy for the Ages

Leave a comment

The holidays are soon over. Can another ‘holiday’ come too soon. According to
the valentine related detritus already on display at the store, the answer is no.

Location : The dark basement of a warehouse located somewhere on the east coast of North America.

From separate entrances three men surreptitiously entered said warehouse. Three men who could be considered traitors to their own gender but loyal to one master. A master who can appear in multiple forms and colors and assume many aliases but all answer to the name of’legal tender’.

The three men are strangers to one another. The location of their pre arranged conclave was chosen during the previous year and only revealed to each of them the previous evening.

Each man introduces himself. There was Harry “Salutations “ Brown, Tony “Coco Bean” Burns and William “Don’t Call Me Shrink” Kowalski.

“Coco Bean. Really?” muttered Salutations Brown.

“Well, it used to be Fat Tony but I felt that played on a false stereotype people may have of us in the confection industry,” responded Coco Bean.

“Sounds sensitive enough,” agreed William, ” besides you go maybe 140 soaking wet.”

“So is it business as usual this year gentleman?” asked Coco Bean.

“Well if by usual you mean that both you guys make with the sweet talk generating expectations that cannot possibly be met and then I swoop in to pick up the pieces ,then yes, business as usual,” replied William.

“Yea , I see no reason to change. Why fix something that has been working for over 1700 years,” said Harry.

“I got to hand it to you Harry,“ said Coco Bean. “Your ancestors in business certainly knew how to craft a legend. Everyone loves a romantic martyr. Especially if he comes bearing chocolate and sticky valentines.”*

“You definitely have the poet in you Salutations. Here is to another banner Valentines Day. Long live the cash machine,” said William as he toasted with a glass of champagne.

“Long live the cash machine,” chimed in Coco Bean and Salutations as they raised their glasses”.

“So what fine location is the gathering next year gentleman?” asked Salutations.

“Hey you know the rules. We don’t choose the place. That is up to unknown others to decide” cautioned William.

“Yea, but I bet it will be someplace dark and dank,” replied Salutations.

“You would think the health care industry is in on the grift,”  said Coco Bean.

“Not yet,” replied William. They’ll wakeup, all that sugar has to be creating some new customers for them.”

*Thank you Mr. Costello.

family, Humor

Random Acts of Family

4 Comments

Some families are the Walton’s and some are the Sopranos. My family lies right in the center. We don’t share the same house and say good night to each other but we do not pay a visit to your house to say good night forever.

We are not involved in crime or violence* and are good candidates to be voted family least likely to tune you up.

We are not without our own issues. No we don’t have old disagreements seething below the surface resulting in long periods of incommunicado. We talk to each other quite frequently . The problem is that our conversation does not seem to to get the job done when information needs to be conveyed

One of the most common phrases uttered during our conversations is “no one told me that”. Of course the “no one” being referred to here is any person having come in contact with us.

Given our track record we consider family news from the Kwiki Mart clerk as reliable.

The information lapses that have occurred through the years have ranged from the loss of a favorite relative to “we’re coming to visit after Christmas”. The latter being the most recent incident and directly affected yours truly.

During a visit this past Thanksgiving, a casual conversation with my mom revealed she and my brother would be visiting after Christmas. “Oh, really. No one told me that.” I’m going to have to have a talk with that Kwiki Mart clerk.

A phone conversation with my brother on Thanksgiving day confirmed the rumor was true. “I guess we should ask if it’s ok.” he said.

Well of course it would be ok. To be honest this visit had been expected for sometime. I had hired my wildly talented brother to redo my kitchen over a year ago. Everything went smoothly until the flooring arrived. It resembled what I had ordered in the manner that I resemble Brad Pitt. Not so much.

I requested floor samples to make the right choice and my brother moved on to work jobs that he had lined up. Business was picking up for him and given the state of the economy I was perfectly satisfied with my temporary kitchen flooring of a sheet of plastic and a throw rug. Hey don’t knock it. Cleaning the kitchen floor involves shaking the rug out on the back porch and sweeping the plastic. No fuss, no muss. Too bad I was not still in college to enjoy the full benefits during after party cleanup.

The family visit was to finish up my kitchen. My brother was coming to finish the floor and my mom was going to make sure we didn’t kill each other. Truth be told my mom likes to organize and I don’t. She would be happy. I have plenty of things to organize.

After all was said and done I had a wonderful time with my family and my kitchen looks awesome.

My place had the crap organized out of it and most important of all I feel loved. I want to thank my family for that.

My bathrooms could stand to be remodeled. I’ll have to mention that to the Kwiki Mart clerk.

*Unless you consider the english language a victim of my writing.

Holidays, Humor, Shopping

Black Friday: ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas

4 Comments

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
were toys on display including a vintage Mickey Mouse.
There were games, there were gadgets, displayed in glass cases.
The collector was wary and kept his guests at fifteen paces.


The collector had food and drink to serve in his lair.
He would bring out his Pong to show off with fanfare.
The party was happening and many carols they did sing.
Until a band of toys appeared and a door bell they did ring.

The collector opened his door and failed to see
a band of toys underfoot as they scurried with glee.
With a major their leader so authoritative and quick
I knew it was Matt Mason, gosh he was slick.

More rapid than beagles his bandits they came
He whistled and ordered and called them by name.
On, Jan! On, Stosh! The Robots there were two.
On Yo!, On Larry, and perhaps a cow who did moo.

On Major! On Batman, who joined in the fun.
To rescue their friend, a brand new Xbox one.
To the top of the shelf and back towards the wall
Steal away! Steal away! Steal away all!

There was noise, there was chaos as the the batman yelled things not so holy.
He had a right to be upset for he landed in the guacamole.
When their friend was collected and their mission near over.
They all made a getaway in Major Mason’s moon rover.

The party lay in ruins, guacamole tracked across the floor.
The collector was convinced he would collect toys no more.
The band was merry and oh such a sight
as they danced and they darted off into the night.

So let that be a lesson to toy collectors all
prepare for uninvited guests at your next christmas eve ball.

So I in my kerchief all snug in my bed
decided my vision was just a dream in my head.
I finished off my Scotch and curled up in a ball.
With thoughts of good cheer and a Merry Christmas for all.

Holidays, Humor, Shopping

Black Friday: The Gathering (Vintage Vendetta)

Leave a comment

Larry had been moping all afternoon. Xena was gone and he could not fill the void left behind. No matter how he reconnected his pieces he still had a big gap somewhere.

Yo had to listen to Larry whine all afternoon and it was killing him. It was time for some action, besides the only lubricant he had only worked on Yo-Yo(s).

“All right Larry quit your belly aching. It’s clear you are not going along with my ‘there is another XBox just around the corner’ philosophy. Besides I must admit, Xena had that certain whatever the French say she had.”

“A certain I don’t know,” replied Larry.

“Yea I don’t know either but you know what I mean,” said Yo.

“Um, sure.”

“My point is we need to go get her. You’re not the only one who had a narrow escape from that vintage collector Larry.”

“If I recall correctly his name is Vince,” said Larry.

“Vince? Like short for Vintage? Your kidding me,” exclaimed Yo.

“Hey I don’t make these names up . That’s some other guys job,” replied Larry.

“Well this Vince guy has put the fear of Mattel in a lot of old toys I know and quite a few would be willing to help,” said Yo.

“You don’t say. And you can round them up in a moment’s notice?” asked Larry.

“Yep,” said Yo as he winked. “They’re also living here on the down low.”

“How come I don’t know them Yo?”

“ Because as a box Larry you tend to be, um how do I put this, mobility challenged.”

“Fair enough. So who are these toys?”

“I’ll tell you what. I will go round them up and introduce you to them,” replied Yo.

“Ok Yo. I’ll be here moping.”
 said Larry.

“Ok but you better snap out of this funk by the time I get back or you won’t be able to inspire the other toys to march into the mouth of danger.”

“Mouth of danger?” asked Larry.

“Hey I don’t make up these metaphors. That’s some other guys job.” laughed Yo and added “I’ll be back.”

“Was that an Austrian accent?” asked Larry. But Yo was gone. I could have sworn that was an Austrian accent.

Before long Yo came back leading a parade of refugee toys. Larry took one look and thought he was suffering from flashbacks. If he listened carefully he could have sworn he heard either Wagner or maybe the theme to the three stooges playing in the background.

“Form up on me everyone.” ordered Yo.

It was clear he was either getting into the proper spirit of the moment or suffering from delusions of grandeur. Larry was voting for the latter.

There was a clatter of chaos and then from under a pile of what appeared to be every popular toy of the 70’s the voice of Yo could be heard screaming “I meant literally folks.”

“I think that’s figuratively Yo.” shouted Larry.

“Yea, they know what I mean.”

“No, it’s obvious they don’t. That’s why you are currently buried by them.” replied Larry.

A few moments later the pile had broken up and had formed a nice neat line.
Strutting in front of the line, as much as a Yo-Yo can strut, was Yo.

“Alright Larry, let me introduce our volunteer army or what I like to refer to a Yo-Yo’s little helpers.”

“Yo, you are starting to suffer delusions of grandeur.”

“What? Grand Illusion?” I didn’t know you were a Styx fan?” asked Yo.

“Um, up until they became a love ballad smorgasbord but I meant that you are starting to let your ego run away with you. Besides, you make them sound like elves and that is not going to inspire fear in anyone let alone Vince the collector”.

“Vince the collector. Sounds like a hit man.” laughed Yo.

“Well it’s definitely scarier than Yo-Yo’s little helpers.”

“Ill give you that. We can come up with a name later. Let me introduce them to you. Starting from your left and proceeding to your right…”

“Yo, I’m a box of legos I have no hands.” interrupted Larry.

“Yea, but you know what I mean. This here is Major Matt Mason. He is an astronaut toy from the 60’s. 1966 I believe. “

“He looks to be in good shape considering his age,” stated Larry.

“Larry, may I remind you that your shape is a box and you don’t have a right to comment on the shape of others”.

“Yea, that’s fair Yo. So what can he contribute to the effort?” asked Larry.

“Ahem, Let me answer that,” replied the Major as he step forward and saluted.

“I have years of space training at the Mattel Space Camp.” stated the Major.

“Well that’s nice Major but we won’t be going into to space,” replied Larry.

“Well I have a moon rover and a really cool Jet Pack that can move us along a zip line,” added the Major.

“Welcome aboard Major,” said a smiling Larry.

“Next we have Betsy Wetsy,” said Yo pointing to a baby.

“But Yo ,” whispered Larry. “She’s a baby and need we go into whether her name is literal or figurative?”

“Hmm, you have a point,” said Yo and added “Sorry Betsy. I think you could help us better on the home front.”

“Our next volunteers are brothers Jan and Stosh the Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
They’re Polish and they claim to have inspired a generation of Polish boxers. I don’t know if that’s true but I’m not going to question them. I think they will come in handy if we get in a bind and need some muscle.”

“That’s a good point Yo. Welcome aboard gentlemen.” Larry did a double take and asked Yo.” “Is it me or is his neck unusually long?”

Yo looked at the robots and said “Hey Stosh, or Jan, whichever; Please re-engage your neck spring. It’s freaking Larry out. Don’t worry Larry it goes back down. It’s part of their design.”

“Yo, who is that box there,” whispered Larry.

“Oh that there is Spirograph. He’s an artist.”

“We will not have time for art on this mission Yo,” stated Larry.

“Yea, I knew you would say something like that.” interrupted Spirograph. “No body appreciates art.”

“That’s not true,” uttered Larry. “I would love it if you could whip something up to inspire the troops.”

“You got it,” replied the Spirograph. “Do you have any drawing paper?”

“We’ll find you some in a moment,” replied Yo

The introductions carried on for a while and when they were done they had assembled a nice unit of specialists ready to mount an assault on Vince the collector and take back Xena.

“Larry I think you left out Mr. Potato Dude over there,” whispered Yo.

“Yes on purpose. We can’t afford the law suit that would entail,” replied Larry.

“Oh yea. I see your point.”

“Yo. You mentioned that several of these toys had some problems with Vince. Do they know where he lives?” asked Larry.

“You mean his lair,” replied a Batman action figure (of the Adam West variety).

“Um, yes I guess you could call it that.” replied Larry.

“Robin and I were once a captive of the one you call Vince the collector. I can lead you to his lair in the dark if I have to”.

“Yo, Who is this Robin that he speaks of?” asked Larry.

“Keep it down will you. That is a sore subject. They parted ways and it wasn’t pretty.”

“Oops, my bad,” said Larry and then added “That would be great Mr., um, Batman.”

“It’s just Batman my boxlike friend.” replied Batman.

“Very well, Batman. You will lead us to the collector’s lair.”

Larry looked upon the rag tag group of toys that represented his last hope of seeing Xena again and shuddered. They’re not the dirty dozen but their all I have, he thought.

Will Spirograph finally be recognized as a true artist?

Can Batman find Vince’s lair and if so will Xena trust her future to this collection of stooges?

Do Jan and Stosh speak english or will the author have to translate.*

What will Vince do when he finds out that Xena is not a vintage Pong game?

These answers and what ever the author dreams up after a late night snack to follow.

* He can if they just want to order lunch in a diner with soda water and/or beer.

Holidays, Humor, Shopping

Black Friday: Living On The Down-Low

Leave a comment

A week had gone by at the local Big Box and Xena had managed to avoid being sold. They had been lucky thought Larry but their luck would run out soon. He was getting nervous.

Yo had the job of finding a suitable disguise for Xena. He was not exactly the brightest Yo- Yo on the planet, ok his string didn’t spin very fast on his hub if you know what I mean, but he could move around the store much faster than Larry and time was of the essence.

Larry was grateful that Yo was willing to take the risk of being out in the open during prime buying season. He could no longer move like, well, lets face he could never really move all that fast. It was probably because he was big boxed.

Yo had come back with several potential disguises but for one reason or another they all turned out to be bad ideas. The one idea that had come closest to solving their problem was when Yo brought back a box containing Hug Me Elmo. It wouldn’t take much to take out Elmo and dispose of the body. They also thought that he would not be in high demand given the scandal surrounding the Elmo puppeteer but Larry was worried the buying public had a short memory and since the Hug Me version did not sound as suspicious as the Tickle Me edition he did not want to take a chance on its marketability.

Larry was beginning to think it was time to think outside the box when Yo swung back from his latest expedition sounding triumphant. “You sound exuberant. You had some luck I take it?” asked Larry.

“Huh, no I don’t need any lubricant. What are you talking about?” replied Yo.

“I said exuberant, it means excited.”

“Oh yea. I am exited. I found a perfect disguise for Xena.” replied Yo.

“Well, where is it?” asked Larry.

“After the last couple of failures I was not going to go swinging halfway across the store with it. Its a box of some kind of ping-pong things.”

“Ping-Pong Paddles?” queried Larry.

“Yea, that it.” answered a proud Yo.

“So, no batteries required?”

“Nope,” answered Yo.

“Nothing to plugin?”

“Nope again,”replied Yo.

“So its something they could play in a power outage or the coming apocalypse?” asked Larry.

“The alpaca what?”, replied Yo.

“When the stuff hits the fan.” answered Larry.

“Oh. Yea, light a few candles and I suspect there wouldn’t be a problem.” said Yo.

“It’s perfect. They’ll never buy it.” said Larry with a big grin on his box and added “Will you need help getting the box over to Xena in the gadget section?”

“No, in the time it would take you to get there someone could take out your insides and put them together.” laughed Yo.

“You do know that this box is a disguise and inside I am legos and not a 10,000 piece mercator puzzle of the world don’t you?”

“Uh, yeah. Hey, it could take a while to put legos together.” “I’ll be fine,” he added and swung away toward the electronics department.

Sometime later Yo returned. “You can relax now Larry. Looking at Xena you would have no idea she’s the latest Xbox.”

“Just in the nick of time too. I just heard the manager saying they were going to put them on sale before we open today.” stated Larry. Just then the door chimed and signaled the store opening. The stampede had begun.

Having looped his string to the shelf unit Yo whispered “Quick Larry, toss me down behind the shelf”*. Larry did as he was told and then stayed in the back. His disguise had worked well but he wasn’t going to push his luck.

The sound of footsteps was soon accompanied by voices and the carnage began. Both Yo and Larry were sweating it out, well as much as toys could sweat, and the hours ticked by.

Larry was about to fall asleep when he heard a familiar voice in the electronic section say “Come here honey. Get a load of this.”

“What is it Harold?” replied a woman.

“I do believe it’s an old electronic Pong game Marge.”

“Yikes,” gasped Larry. “Now he recognized that voice. It was the vintage toy collector that he barely escaped from a few years back. Yo, you said you found a box of Ping Pong paddles.”

“Well it had the word pong on the box so I just figured that’s what it was.” replied Yo rather sheepishly.

“Swell, remind me to rewind your string extra tight.”

Larry and Yo listen as Harold and Marge excitedly carried away their find to the front desk. Soon they exited the store with a big bag containing Xena.

“We’ll never see Xena again Yo.” said a sad Larry.

“Don’t worry Larry, another sexy gadget is just around the corner.” replied Yo trying to comfort him.

“You don’t understand Yo. She was just my type.”

“Oh Larry, all big boxes are your type.”

“That’s not true Yo. There was something about Xena. No matter what box she was in she had a certain ju ne se qua.” lamented Larry.

“A june bug what?” asked Larry.

“It’s French. A certain I don’t know what.” replied Larry

Yo shook his head and replied “Yea I don’t know what those French are trying to say either.”

Stay tuned for the next installment of the Black Friday Adventures. Will Larry be convinced that all sexy gadgets are alike and a replacement for Xena is just around the corner?

Will Larry try to rescue Xena?

Will Yo get an French-English dictionary?

Answers to these questions and those being asked by the voices in the authors head are coming to this blog soon.

*Sure Yo could swing himself across the store but his fear of the dark prevented him from hiding behind the shelf without a little push.

Holidays, Humor

Black Friday. A Different Perspective.

8 Comments

A truck rolled up to the delivery entrance of the local Big Box store. The temperature was a balmy 40 degrees. This was somewhat normal for the first monday after thanksgiving.

Larry the box of legos had positioned himself at the end of the rear shelf to get the first look at the incoming newbies. At the other end of the shelf was his buddy Yo , the Yo Yo. “Yo , Yo get over here you’ll miss al the action”, shouted Larry. “Hold on to your bricks I’m rolling as fast as I can.”, shouted Yo.

Workers began wheeling in carts piled with boxes. From the looks of it they appeared to be all of the hottest new gadgets for the holidays.

“It looks like were in luck Yo. People will definitely be passing us by again this year.”

“Yep Larry but all the same I will be asking you for help to pull me by my string again.”

Every year around the holidays Yo had attached his string to the back of a shelf and thrown himself down between the wall until the holidays passed and counted on a friend to pull him back up afterwords. This method of hiding was so successful Yo had managed to avoid being bought since 1972 and had even been passed around a few stores. As far as Larry was concerned this was a record. Yo was kind of a legend in the world of toys.

“Yea, I got your back again Yo. No worries there.”

Larry’s next thought was interrupted by the arrival of one of the new potential christmas presents. Out of the box it was easy to see it was a brand new Xbox One that would be making some child or more than likely some adult a very happy kid this year.

“Will you get a load of that ,” exclaimed Yo.

“Yea , kinda perty” said Larry.

“Thanks for the compliment big boy,” exclaimed a women’s voice.

“I’m Xena, what do they call you?”

Larry blushed a bit and said “They call me Larry and this hear is Yo.”

“Please to meet you Xena,” said Yo.

“Nice to meet both of you,” said Xena.

“What does Xena mean?” asked Yo.

“It’s Greek for hospitable or guest. Take your pick.” replied Xena.

“I pick the latter.” replied Larry. “Because you are not going to be at
this store for long.”

“Oh really. Why is that ?” asked Xena.

“Because the sexy gadgets get snapped up for presents really quick,”
replied Larry.

“Do you always call someone a sexy gadget when you first meet them?”
asked a blushing Xena.

“I’m sorry but that is what your kind of toys are called around
here.” replied Larry.

“It true”, said Yo and laughed. “Larry has never called me a sexy gadget.
The only thing I have ever been called is ‘groovy and that was back in
the 70’s.”

“The 1970’s. You have been here the whole time?”, asked Xena.

“Yep. I have successfully managed to avoid being purchased every year
since 1972.”

“You say that like you’re happy about that . “Don’t you want to bought?”
asked Xena.

“Heck no,” replied Yo. “My natural color is blue but you start tossing me
up and down and I turn a nice shade of green. Sure it’s pretty to look at
until I toss my string. I have a bad case of vertigo. I don’t need a life
destined for ups and downs.”

“Wow, that is unfortunate.”, replied Xena. “What about you Larry?
Being a box of legos must make you a marked man around this time of year.
I am surprised you are still on the shelf. Aren’t you looking forward to
a new home?” she asked.

“Heck no,” replied Larry. “I am destined to sit on someones display
shelf and then dragged out once in a while to be shown off to party
guests. My parts will never make it out of my box.”

“So how do you manage to stay here?” asked Xena.

“With the help of my friend Yo here I disguise myself in a discarded
box.” answered Larry.

“Just a box?” asked Xena.

“No not just any box. Its a box from a 10,000 piece puzzle of a mercator map of the world. It’s geographically accurate. No one in this country will touch it,” replied Larry.

“Aren’t you the clever one,” replied Xena

“Um, yes, yes I am.” replied Larry.

“That was a statement Larry. She was not asking you,” replied Yo.

“Uh, yea I knew that.” maintained Larry

“ I would think in a store so empty some one would get curious and open
you up,” replied Xena.

“Oh it’s not always this empty.  Black Friday cleaned this place out,”
explained Larry.

A puzzled Xena replied “Black Friday?”

“Oh yea, you’re a rookie. Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving.
It’s the biggest shopping day of the year,” answered Larry.

“So they get a head start on what to give thanks for next year?” asked
Xena.

“Hmm, I suppose that is one way to look at it.” said Larry.
“I always thought they missed the point and focused on what they didn’t
have and were trying to rectify it.”

“So how about you Yo?” asked Xena. “How how have you managed to avoid
being bought all these years?”

“I may just be a round disk but I got some smarts.” said Yo.

“No Yo. You have smarts.” interjected Larry.

“Thats what I said,” replied Yo.

“He ties his string to the back of the shelf and tosses himself between
the shelf and the wall. I pull him back up when the coast is clear.”
explained Larry.

“Oh my. You are much brighter than you look.” exclaimed Xena

“Why thank you, I think,” replied a puzzled Yo.

“I think I am going to like it around here,” replied Xena.
“Its a shame I will not be here for long.”

Larry smiled and said “If you want to stay around here I am sure we can
think of something.”

“Yea, between the two of us we can think of something to keep you here.”
added Yo.

“I might just take you up on that Gentlemen.” replied an exited Xena.

“Gentle who?” asked Yo.

“She meant us you string operated boob,” replied Larry.

Stay tuned folks. Will Larry and Yo be able to combine intellects and come up with a plan to keep Xena on the shelf? Will the buying public suddenly decide enough is enough? *. Will a large movie company send a cease and desist order to the author? Come back next time for answers to these and other questions the author can dream up between now and then.

*Yea right.