All posts by Jayhawkdano@comcast.net

Moving from Chicago to Kansas at the age of ten is bound to have some affect on a kid. I was a Polish/Irish boy in the land of Smith/Jones(s) . Humor became my go to coping mechanism and reading/science became my refuge. That is the recipe that created the person that I am today, an engineer who, um, shall we say “sees the world differently”. I am no longer in Kansas. They were done with me quite a while ago. I am currently roaming the wilds of Colorado but where ever I go people always tell me I’m “unique”. I am sure they mean it as a compliment.
Humor, Uncategorized

Fostering Paranoia (Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy cont..)

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The good stuff. Lies and trails to nowhere. Disinformation, subterfuge and disingenuous relationships. The good stuff. The fun stuff.

Any good conspiracy or at least one worth a book or hollywood movie contains the good stuff.
The good stuff organizes the people that have taken notice of strange goings on and points them in several directions at once.

Its the original ‘hey look over there’ gag with the part of your uncle played by a group whose goal is something a little more nefarious than stealing your french fries.

A good campaign of disinformation can foment paranoia among those that think they are on to something. When this happens, the odds that the conspiracy will be successful goes up tremendously.

Those that are suspicious will start to see conspiracy in every nook, cranny and shadow around them.

Once the phrase “but that’s what they want you to
think” is uttered, their credibility, if they had any, is totally blown.

If they are lucky they can get a book deal, if not they may find themselves spending hours in therapy with an occasional trip to the pharmacist forsome ‘calming’ medication.

Capitol Hill bathed in the shadows of the afternoon sun. It was late
August and the Hill was doing something it did well, making people sweat and spreading corruption. Quite often the two are related.

A ceiling fan lorded over the patrons in a nondescript bar a few blocks from Capitol Hill. It rotated at a teasing rate that said,

“Yea, maybe I can turn
faster. Wouldn’t you like to find out.”

Beneath the fan sat two gentlemen each nursing a beer. Both were
wearing the same gold and black signet ring. Both had the same build and were around the same age. But for the beard of one and the Panama hat of the other they would be hard to tell apart.

“So what’s on the agenda today. I hope its the good stuff. I have been
waiting quite a while for the good stuff,” said Panama.

The Beard opened a manilla envelope and pulled out one sheet of 4×5 notepad paper. “It says here that we are getting some attention and need to start our previously discussed campaign of disinformation and paranoia.”

“Alright. The good stuff,” exclaimed Panama.

Fun with the good stuff.

Fathers Day

Good Men and Celluloid Heroes

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I watched a few movies last night that I had seen before. What they were doesn’t matter. What they were about was pretty simple. Just everyday guys being good men.

I had seen both movies before but I needed to see them again. The dozen or so previous viewings did not seem enough. I should own them I thought. Close friends had told me as much. Then I realized that  I did not need to own them. I had a good guy playing the role of hero in my life since 1961.

A good man, the definition of which expressed with words seems to devalue the meaning. We all have a definition that lies within our hearts. For my heart that definition was and always will be my Dad.

We see the world with glasses tinted by our parents and for the most part I see silver screen heroes trying to live up to the standards of the heroes that  I have been blessed with in my life. So on this fathers day give the Dad in your life a hug or a glance towards the stars and thank him for providing those celluloid heroes with something to shoot for.*
*Yea I’m ending a sentence with a preposition. I’m giving the english teachers out there a chance to whip out their red pens. Enjoy.

Humor

The Orchestrated Effort (Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy cont..)

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At a nondescript bar two blocks from capitol hill, the nondescript bartender stood behind the bar pondering the world and everything.

He was beside himself, not literally of course, he hadn’t done that since the mid seventies.

He had just served a beer to a man with the same funky ring as the companion whose table he joined.

The second key concept of a good conspiracy is the “orchestrated effort”. It is the concept that manages the whole conspiracy. Without an orchestrated effort there would be just be a bunch of people meandering aimlessly and not having much of an impact on anything.

Kind of like the Chicago Cubs. It’s ok I can say that, I’m a lifelong Cubs fan.

You may ask yourself, if the organizations are not known to each other than how can the effort be orchestrated?

This is where the ringmaster comes into play. The ringmaster is the one person who has set the whole thing in motion and knows all of the players. He or she is the one person that sets up the meetings between the parties involved and the only person that knows the conspiracy statement or the ultimate goal of the conspiracy.

Through the use of the ringmaster the hidden agenda remains hidden from the rest of the participants. The ringmaster allows the participants plausible deniability. Since they have no idea of the ultimate goal they can’t really spill the beans if called before Congress,the Senate or the NBI*.

The ringmaster is the caterer of the  whole party. He provides fuel to the conspiracy right down to and including the cellulose condiments.

* The National Banking Institute or the National Baking Institute. I’m not sure there is much of a difference.

Next: “Fostering Paranoia“

Humor

The Ingredients to a Good Conspiracy (Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory continued…)

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Two blocks from Capitol Hill a man , rather nondescript of course, takes refuge from the afternoon sun in a doorway across the street from a neighborhood bar. He has an appointment in said bar but is experiencing some trepidation about the meeting.

He was told to come here by a ham salad sandwich. Well, a note in the sandwich told him to come here. Sandwiches quit talking to him in the mid seventies.

The man, deciding there is no time like the present, crosses the street and enters the bar. He is met by a web of scattered sun rays forcing him to pause and surmise the patrons looking for one wearing the ring.

One of the key elements of the conspiracy presented in the first installment of this series is the conspiracy statement. The statement I crafted was the following;

“We pledge to make sure the penny is coined as a part of the US monetary system no matter how cost ineffective it is. We plan on realizing this by holding true to our exaggerated self importance and by fostering paranoia through an orchestrated effort to disseminate false information, half truths and downright illogical conclusions. We will do this through a cabal made up of three organizations with a hidden agenda and whose members are not known to each other.”

Take note of the following words used in the conspiracy statement;”cabal“, “orchestrated effort” and “three secret organizations.”

The word cabal works well for conspiracy theories on an international level. Since an international conspiracy to keep the penny in circulation seems unlikely even for a conspiracy theory we might want to substitute the words “trilateral commission”.

If we throw in the UN as one of those three organizations than we can keep the cabal. The UN is a very popular element in many conspiracy theories. I bet ole Woodrow Wilson would have a hard time wrapping his head around that one.

Note the appearance of the number 3. Numbers are an important part of the conspiracy theory and you want to choose a number that would be hard pressed to prove.

Who bothers to challenge a claim of “third best _____ ____ in the world.”

Odd numbers greater than one are perfect. It is takes less work to discount a theory involving one or two organizations than it is three or more The beauty of a finely crafted conspiracy theory is that the harder it is to prove the harder it is to disprove.

A conspiracy theory becomes more plausible if the number or numbers in use are prime. Prime numbers put up an additional road block to investigation. Prime numbers are somewhat mystical, people hear them and think “wow that conspiracy has some deep , mysterious, roots.”

A good conspiracy courts mystery at every turn and prime numbers are a good ingredient for that. It doesn’t hurt that people are lazy, a conspiracy theorists counts on that.

Up next the “orchestrated effort”.

Humor

Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory

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Two blocks from capital hill at the end of an unassuming street sat a neighborhood bar. In a sparsely lit corner of the bar a small table is occupied by a rather nondescript gentleman. A narrow shaft of light cuts across his chin, arcs across the table and exposes a weathered hand that has raised quite a few toasts over the years. A sparkle of light flashes from his ring finger as he raises a cold glass of freshly poured ale.

Behind the bar a young man is prepping garnishes for the happy hour rush. A twinkle in the corner of the bar catches his eye. He remembers the ring the man wore and figured that as the source of the flash. Nothing about the man was remarkable but the ring and its strange carousel symbol was interesting enough to lodge in his memory.

The man had mentioned that he was meeting up with someone and they should be here shortly. The young man wondered if his confidant would also be wearing a strange ring.

That would be cool, he thought. Maybe some kind of conspiracy is afoot

Continue reading Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory →

Humor

The Most Unusual Man in The World (Mindless Entertainment)

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His brain has two distinctive flavors, the logical and the artistic.
He makes a living with the logical bank and lets the artistic bank out to play to stave off insanity. His friends would council that perhaps he had failed at the “staving off” part.

Life as a road warrior forced his creative bank to find amusements on the run so he invented a game he liked to call ‘guess what they do for a living.’ The goal of the game was self explanatory and the entertainment factor was high, especially in airports such as LAX, although celebrity sightings would spoil the game. The game worked best when he was traveling with a colleague. Forget asking strangers, they often panicked and carry-ons caused damage if they connected. If alone, he would get one of his other personalities to cooperate and sometimes they did not work well and play with others. When this happened his mind would create new forms of entertainment and sometimes it fell on a familiar theme, music.

Music is one of the passions that fuels his heartbeat. Following up random thoughts with “That would make a good band name”, can provide him with a few grins for a while. Sometimes creating a good band name is like a Seinfeld Episode.
“What did you have for breakfast?”
“Lightly buttered toast.” That’s a band name.
“What was your commute like?”
“Hell with a side of cream cheese.” That’s a band name.

Names in general provide him with a great source of entertainment. Sitting down with a sports magazine annual college basketball edition and compiling a list of the best names in division 1 basketball can fill his mind with enough minutia to keep him occupied for an entire weekend. He actually could make up a name like Scientific Mapp. He is the most unusual man in the world.

Humor

Dogs and Cats Living Together (Downtime for St. Peter Part 2)

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The hours had passed slowly at the Pearly Gates as Herbert tried to absorb as much information as possible from St. Peter before he took his vacation leave.

“Is it always this slow,” asked Herbert.

“It comes an goes. Sometimes the list is short and other times the list contains a gaggle of souls.”

“Kind of like a rush to judgement.”

“Cute. Keep your day job”

“I’m an acquired taste.”

“Yea, so is Sushi”.

Just then a shuttle arrived with a lone passenger.

Peter checked the list and prepared to greet a Mr. Acme. Hmm, that’s an unusual name. “Welcome Mr. Acme.”

“Mr?” queried the man.

“Having no surname what do you prefer,” asked Peter.

“I have always gone by The Acme Company,” replied Mr. Acme.

“The Acme Company. That seems a bit unusual. Are you an artist or a musician,” asked Peter.

“No. I can’t say that I am. What else would you call a global
conglomerate that provides a full spectrum of products ranging from Shampoo to Talcum Powder.”

“Top to Bottom,” injected Herbert. Peter gave him a look that said silence would have been a better option.

“Oh Oh. I knew this day would come,” said Peter.

“What day is that,” asked Herbert.

“The day that would bring a corporeal crisis of existential proportions.”

“What, dogs and cats living together?” asked Herbert.

“Nice movie reference. I’ll give you that one,” replied a slightly grinning Peter.

“See, I’m growing on you. What did you mean “you knew this day would come”,” asked Herbert.

“I have been waiting for this day ever since the citizens united decision,” groaned Peter.

“I still don’t get what’s going on,” replied Herbert.

“What we have here is a corporation that thinks it is a person,” answered Peter.

“Oh Oh,” uttered Herbert.

“But I am a person. The Supreme Court Says so,” replied Mr. Acme.

“Sorry Acme, the Supreme Court has no jurisdiction here and making big campaign contributions does not give you a soul,” explained Peter.

“Oh, so where should I go?” asked Mr Acme.

I am thinking bankruptcy court,” replied Peter writing something on an official looking card. “There seems to have been a major corporeal catastrophe. This requires a higher power. Give this to the shuttle driver and he’ll take you to the proper station.”

“What shuttle driver,” asked Acme as a shuttle arrived.

“You have a very short sighted approach to existence. Now that you have plenty of time on your hands you need to be more patient. Good luck.”

“Ok, Thanks for the advice,” replied Mr. Acme as the shuttle whisked him away.

“Wow. Was that the strangest arrival you have had here,” asked Herbert.

“There was one that came close.”

“Yeah. How so?”

“Some guy who showed up with a ‘nutter-butter sandwich.”

“That doesn’t sound weird.”

“He was half naked and called himself the king.”

“Yea, that qualifies.”

Humor, personal growth, Uncategorized

Finding Eternal Calm in a Chaotic World (Dante-ism)

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Meditation.
-the action or practice of meditating: a life of meditation.
• a written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject: his later letters are intense meditations on man’s exploitation of his fellows.
ORIGIN Middle English: from Old French, from Latin meditatio(n-), from meditari (see meditate) .

We can practice meditation at any time and in many forms in our lives. Some of us practice it without realizing it.

I myself have been a longtime practitioner of something I like to call Dante-ism. It is an exercise in relaxation. The goal is to imagine a new level of hell for someone and through that visualization melt away the feelings of stress that you are currently experiencing. Dante probably imagined quite a few more levels than nine. I am sure he had to cut it short due to deadlines. I myself have blown way past double digit figures.

I find Dante-ism particularly effective while driving. Case in point. I find myself at a four-way stop sign waiting for a couple to exit the crosswalk when another car jumps their turn. I calmly let the tension go as I design a new level of hell for the driver; a time slightly less than eternity spent waiting for pedestrians at a crosswalk while an infinite stream of cars jump the gun. Not quite satisfied, an additional inspiration adds the coup de gras. The car stereo of the perpetrator will now be playing that one Rick Astley song (“ never gonna give you up …”*) in a loop. There are two dangers for you the designer when crafting these scenarios. The first is that you may visualize the imagery for too long forcing the drivers behind you to taylor a level of hell specifically for you. The second danger is that you run the risk of being stuck with that blasted song in your head the rest of the day.

I find Dante-ism to be especially calming in cases where a narrow escape from death has just occurred and the culprit is the carelessness of others. This experience is more common for those who commute to work but may also occur for those who actively participate in life as the role of an innocent pedestrian. The cases in this category that I am familiar with are usually attributed to someone not paying attention. The pedestrian scenario can provide more of a challenge when crafting a new level of hell if the perpetrator is sans automobile. In this case there is no vehicle with with which to imprison the guilty for all eternity and more imagination is required to craft the ultimate floor in your ever increasing high rise of hell.**

One may find that writers block is getting in the way crafting a sufficiently annoying level of hell. In such cases the afore mentioned cross walk scenario works well in a pinch. The idea of the guilty forever unable to cross an intersection can be quite calming. Throw in the video for that Rick Astley song in a loop on his smart phone and you have the ingredients for nirvana. Limit this scenario to cases where you have tried mightily but can not quite come up with an adequate scenario to achieve that state of calm that may be desperately required. Instead, use the opportunity to challenge your imagination. Bystanders can often be incorporated into the scene to help trap the perpetrator in time.

Creating the added annoyance factor is where ones imagination can be really be stretched. While I find it hard to fathom that someone would not find Rick Astley annoying, and neigh I say enjoyable, improbable events do occur in life and there is plenty of irritating songs out there to choose from. It is not important as to whether the perpetrator will find it maddening, it’s all about you . Remember meditation is a means to achieve personal growth and is meant to be a rewarding experience.

*I can’t bring myself to continue.
**Good band name by the way. I am thinking something in the Death Metal genre