This particular posting is contrary to my usual style.  I tend to fictionalize most of my rants but in this particular case it was difficult to channel my ranting into a more creative form.

Sometimes the rant must be set free to do what it does.

A headline caught my eye the other day.  It read  “Ten Things Men Over 50 Should Never Do.” I usually skip by such articles.  They seem to be in infinite supply. “ Things Men Shouldn’t own over 40,” “Clothes Women Over 30 Shouldn’t Wear.”

These lists are subjective although I think we can all agree that men over 40 should not own a speedo. Can I get an amen?

Now, given that the article appeared online on a website called ExecutiveStyle, I expected something stodgy and soul crushing and I was not disappointed.

I casually read the list, without pen or notepad , and chuckled my way through it .

You may be surprised to find that I did not take it seriously . If so , you must be new to this site.

I laughed, maybe even giggled , along until I arrived at # 7. “Wear A BaseBall Cap”

Excuse me Joseph Stalin. Does the Department of HomeLand Security know about you?

Apparently a Fedora , Panama Hat or in some cases a Top Hat are acceptable but nothing else.

Listen pal, just because your little polo helmet isn’t popular, or comfortable in the heat, doesn’t mean you can throw shade at the chapeau of our national pastime.

Number seven had actually changed my mind as to the flavor of the article. Initially, I was skimming the article with the idea that the author had his tongue firmly planted in his cheek.

I decided to go back over the previous points with a new belief about what orifice the author had his tongue planted in.

The first item was “Ride a Scooter”, the foot propelled type.  You should’t do it , not because you could fall and brake your hip , but because you would look either poor or silly.

I am not sure for him what would be more embarrassing He also lumps in riding a recumbent bicycle by the same rule.

 Hey I live in Boulder. We all look silly here for many reasons and we like it that way. SometimesI get up in the morning, look in the mirror and ask myself “How can I look silly today?” Not surprisingly, I succeed quite often.

Number two on the list I could not fault him for and it’s the item that convinced me he was absolutely serious.

2. “Take Ecstasy” I am not going to fault him for that. I agree it’s not a good idea. Purely for health reasons. It’s just not good for you. Not much to debate. I would contend no matter what your age you should never do it.  That was the only salient point on his list.

Number three was do not wear shorts in the city. I am assuming that the author believes he looks silly in shorts. Maybe he does. Why he limits his short’s enabled jaunts to non metropolitan areas is beyond me. If it is to limit the amount of citizens exposed to his silly appearance I can understand it but usually embarrassment is caused by being seen by people you know. In that sense I think you would need to be more specific on what you mean by city.

In his case, maybe it should be “do not wear shorts in a section of the city where the ratio of people you know vs those that you don’t are greater than 1 in 100.” One of his alternatives was linen trousers so perhaps the rule should be tweaked to read “in a section of the city where the average dry cleaning bill is less than $1000 per week”
or “The ratio of Miami Vice fans to those who never heard of the show is 1 in 1000.”

Hey I don’t think I look particularly stunning in shorts but when its 95 degrees it’s the best alternative to going naked. Trust me, no one wins in that scenario. If I have to worry about dry cleaning the clothes I am wearing on the weekend then I might as well be working.

Only one other item on his list was worth mentioning. “5. Vote Green.” His reasoning was that everything is hopeless and voting green was for the young and deluded. Spoken like an old fart who’s contributed to the problem and is quite happy with leaving his children and grandchildren with a cesspool to clean up. We’ve all contributed.

When it comes to voting green your either part of the solution or its time to throw yourself into the recycling bin. Cremation is a nice way to return yourself to mother earth.

At some point, the article mentions we should age gracefully. You know what grace is? It’s a girls name popular in 1901.

The hell with grace. Do what you want.  Rage, rage against the dying of the light and then bury me in my Cubs hat. Thank you Dylan Thomas.

Hey, he would have been a Cubs fan if they had cable in Wales, in the early 20th century. His poetry would have still been just as dark. Maybe darker.