Tag Archives: satire

Pharma-Capitol Shenanigans (Pharmaceutical-Palooza Series)

Location : Capitol Hill – An office in the Senate office Building. When: Late afternoon (after completion of a presentation by Hypochondriacs against Big Pharma Commercials).

“I don’t know about you Senator but I don’t think that went too well,” said Abe.

“Were you at the same session that I was at because I think that was a resounding success,” replied the Senator.

“Resounding? I don’t think there were more than 35 Senators there.”

“Yes , but at the beginning we had a full house.”

“But there were open seats.”

“When you get 70 senators out of a 100 to show up that’s a full house.”

“That is depressing.”

“No, that is reality.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not depressing. There was only 15 left at the end of a thirty minute presentation.”

“Yea that was your fault.”

“How was it my fault?”

“The average age of a US Senator is 60. You lost twenty senators at the mention erectile disfunction.”

“Why did that cause them to leave?”

“It reminded them that they needed a refill.”

“So when did I lose the rest?”

“You lost a few more at the mention of temporary memory loss, hemeroids and frequent urination. It was kind of a steady trickle after that.”

“You’re putting that all on me?”

“Well, that’s probably not fair. Our normal daily attrition rate is similar and for pretty much the same reasons.”

“Again, thats depressing.”

“It could have been worse.”

“How?”

“You could have mentioned side affects related to alcoholism. That would have emptied the place.”

“So whats our next move?”

“Well, normally I would conduct follow up meetings in the next couple of days but I will probably
wait until next week.”

“Why the wait?”

“Well, you got em stirred up a bit today. The frequent urinators will be back in the morning but It will take a few days for the hemorrhoid sufferers to calm down. It could be a while for the memory loss folks if at all.”

“If at all?”

“Yea, they could just think they’re retired. It’s happened before.”

 

Other posts in this series

Pharmaceutical-Palooza

The First Step is Admitting You Don’t Have a Problem

There is No I in Anonymous

Mr. Doe Goes To Washington

World News Outage

Zaphod  Muhamin , a  prominent member of the Iranian government, was relaxing with his laptop when a trusted aid burst into his office.

“Excuse me honorable one for the interruption in your busy schedule , but I just received word that one of our prime sources of news is going out of print and will only offer news online. ”

Zaphod  hid his laptop and was about to berate his assistant when the realization of what was said sank in. “Which one, The New York Times or the Washington Post?”

“Neither sir. The Onion sir.”

“Oh not “The Onion”, that is our most trusted news source of all.”, exclaimed Zaphod.

“Do you think the Council on Western Culture could see its way to allow online access to the Onion sir”, asked the assistant.

“No I do not. The Council is most emphatic on its ban of the internet to guard against the influence of the Great Satan”.

“Microsoft sir?”

“No. America you fool.”

“Oh, of course sir, I um, was just poking fun.”

Zaphod ignored the lie and pondered this unfortunate turn of events. “Where will we look to fill the dark informational chasm that will be left behind?” , he asked.

“That is a conundrum sir but  more importantly what will we do in those “quiet” times when men need reading material when they “think”?”, asked the assistant.

“Oh my that is a dilemma but I do know of the existence of a stash of Penny Savers from 1974 that may be of some use in that regard.”

“Most excellent sir”, replied the assistant.

“Well it will do until we can find other material. I may have a line on the most holiest of holy of reading materials”, said Zaphod.

“You’re not kidding? “, exclaimed the assistant. “You don’t mean ..”

“ Yes I do “ , replied Zaphod. “ I just may know where a stockpile of People Magazines are located”. “Oh that would be most desirable sir,” replied the assistant.

“Now go to your rolodex and put in a few calls to the people we know in the Chinese government.”, ordered Zaphod.

“Oh, for the People Magazines?”, asked the assistant.

“No you dolt. The Onion is also their source for hard news. Find out what they will use for their alternative source.”

“ Of course sir. Consider it done sir. “