Tag Archives: retirement

Twenty Hits of Viagra and a Bottle of Gin

Road Warrior, I  have travelled enough for work to earn that title. This may come as a surprise but the experience is not as exciting as the moniker may lead one to believe. I have never ridden in a hopped up Ford Falcon with an Aussie sidekick who strangely speaks with a dubbed in voice.

I have logged hundreds of thousands of air miles crisscrossing the country and sometimes the world. It is not glamorous but I have accumulated a large collection of stories to tell.    Add a stolen credit card number to the  pile. You never know the tastes of those stealing your credit card. Their purchase could stay on your permanent record.  If I had a choice it would be someone charitable or a person who would not be in need of anything embarrassing.  You can probably see where this is going but don’t spoil it for the others.

Now I have a theory as to how this came about,  in short it probably was the  result of an accidental credit card swap during a dinner with colleagues and a less than honest gas station attendant believing my card was already stolen. I returned to the home office a few days later and was greeted with a message from the credit card company on my voicemail. Calling them back I fully expected to have to explain some of my coworkers charges. It turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg.  According to the customer service rep there were some questionable charges on my card. “That’s interesting tell me more.”

The first charge was for a small amount incurred at a retirement community near where I was staying.  Strange I thought.The next charge was for $400 dollars at a drugstore again near where I had been staying.  I was on the edge of my seat, the plot was thickening and things were getting interesting.  Sorry, out of clichés.  The third item on my card  , and the one that tipped off the credit card company was another charge at the afore-mentioned drug store. This time for $200 and finally it was denied.

Initially I was at a loss for words, something that has not occurred with much frequency in my lifetime. Check with my friends and family they will concur that the longest time I have gone without speaking were times that I was under anesthesia during various medical procedures. No , a lobotomy was not one of them.

When I had gathered my thoughts they were as follows: “What the heck was a retiree doing with my credit card number and what could they buy for $400?” My first thought was antihistamines for meth production . Sure a little late in life for Grandpa to start climbing the ladder towards becoming a  drug lord but maybe it was on their  bucket list or perhaps they were supplementing their social security checks or even inspired by Breaking Bad.  It was then that I remembered that the real stuff took an ID and signature . That means they would have had to purchase in person and since it was only my number that was missing, that was not possible.  Then I thought ,” if I were in a retirement community what would make me  popular with the ladies?” A million dollars in cash and a bag on my head. Ok , now I was just being silly . Then I hit on the answer. Viagra. From what I hear*, it can be expensive. I also figure that by then I will have acquired a taste for gin, I don’t see how but it is probably cheaper than Single Malt Scotch.  Yea, that combination could ring up a $400 credit card charge.

So far I have not heard whether the authorities have caught up to this character but how hard could he be to find?  “…so and so retirement community can I help you?”  “Yes , this it the local police department. We are looking for an older guy, playa type , smelling of gin, may be showing signs of extreme fatigue but still manages to smile all of the time. Does this match any of your residents?”

* No really , word gets around, people talk, you hear things.