Humor

Sometimes Its Just a Letter

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This is America and we are a melting pot.
As such we are home to a multitude of beliefs systems.

Personal beliefs systems sometimes befuddle me.

I am intrigued by them and as long as no one is getting hurt, I try to respect them. When it comes to conspiracy theories however they set off my bogus alarm. Yours should go off also.

I am reminded of a conversation the conspiracy boys had about a past effort to create a conspiracy based on a letter. I believe it was a conspiracy to boost the number of words that begin with the letter Q.


Something fun and relatively harmless.

We join our boys in mid conspiracy discussion.

“The letter q doesn’t get the respect it deserves. It’s a versatile and powerful letter unduly hampered by and tied to the letter “u”. Heck even the pronunciation contains the letter “u”,” stated the bearded one.

“So what do you propose we do about it?”, asked Mr. Panama.


“We come up with new words beginning with q but not supported by an adjacent u”, replied the bearded one.

“Just like that?,” uttered the bar tender.

“Sure, new words are added to the dictionary every day so why not?”, asked the bearded one.

“Yes but the words added to a dictionary are words or terms that have been in use by a large number of people for some time,” offered Mr Panama.

“That’s true but I don’t expect immediate gratification and I think it could keep a lot of people occupied and out of trouble,” replied the bearded one.

“In fact people that do this can be called “querons”, added the bartender.

“Um, we’ll think about that one replied the bearded one.”

You may wonder what became of that little conspiracy, or you may not its just a letter.

According to the Bearded one ,“We realized we would have to involve a lot more people to get new words adopted. In addition the amount of time to do that would be prohibitive.”

We couldn’t see tens of thousands of people wasting much of their time for the sake of a letter.”

Yea, definitely a complete waste of time. I’ve got a paper clip collection that I need to get started.

Where it all began…

Brewing The Perfect Conspiracy Theory

Humor

Notes of Future Past (writers block)

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I’ve decided that I need to be more regular in updating my blog and as such I am harvesting some ideas from older notes for a few of my latest blog posts.

My current dilemma is what most people call writers block but I tend to be a bit dramatic so I like to refer to it as “the proverbial brick wall.” It has a nice combination of legend and pain.

One would think that a pandemic in which you are forced to restrict all physical contact with everyone would be perfect for getting some writing done. One could think this but one would be wrong.

Writing during a pandemic has been near impossible for me to do without being affected by any emotion associated with the pandemic.

Consider the cliche and somewhat comedic, “It was a dark and stormy night.” During a pandemic a “dark and stormy night” is a walk in the park and does not achieve what the writer intended to create , a foreboding atmosphere. To truly capture the feeling of impending doom, the cliche would have to be modified such that the walk in the park turned into a dark and stormy walk in central park, during a recession. Maybe I’ve seen “The Warriors” too many times.

For me, an extended visit to writers block land can usually be broken up by a trip to Vegas. In Vegas there are way too many “What the hell did I just see?” moments to not have any ideas to write about.
In the middle of a pandemic a trip to Vegas doesn’t strike me as a good idea. Don’t give me any “cancel culture” bull. I have a compromised immune system and Ive been a science geek all of my life. If you find yourself using the term cancel culture regularly you might want to retrace your steps back to Jr. High School and find out where you lost your common sense.

In lieu of a trip to Vegas the internet is a good place to break through the proverbial brick wall. Just don’t believe everything you read.
Which is a great way to get writing ideas. Prefacing anything you read with the phrase “what if this were true” is a great way to generate story ideas. Of course if it is true you may be just sewing seeds for disinformation and conspiracy theories. If you can’t tell the difference between fact and fiction and you have performed exhaustive searches through “snopes.com”, “factcheck.org” and “politifact.com” then you should move on to something that is obviously as true as “the world is round”. If you have doubts even about that then for god sake stay off of the internet.

Humor

Playing for Pharmaceuticals

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In the back offices of “Win a Medical Procedure”, the network accountant, Ted Minutia was working on more budget driven changes to the popular game show when the show’s host Wink Atyalawya strolled in with confidence befitting a, well befitting a game show host.

“You seem to be working feverishly Ted. What changes are brewing,” asked Wink.

“Well I’m trying to incorporate pharmaceuticals into our game show prizes but it’s like trying to hit a moving target.”

“I told you that was a fast path to a sanitarium visit.”

“Yea, I took that as a challenge. I mean how bad could a sanitarium visit be?”

“I have no clue but after the last two and a half years it sounds inviting. Maybe we should look into offering one in our prize packages. I am certainly not the only person needing one to be sure. “

“That’s a good idea sir. I may have to go on a fact finding mission to one soon.”

“Well complete the changes you’re working on first. In case you find facts you like and decide not to come back.”

“Yea , um , ok.”

“Have you come up with a workable solution to fit pharmaceuticals into our budget?”

“Workable is a very subjective term. We would either have to sign up 40 more sponsors or 
five or six really benevolent ones.”

“You mean a few that think we are a charitable organization?”

“Yes. That’s about right.”

“For the moment let’s just assume that is not possible, let alone legal. What about the additional 40 sponsors. Is that manageable?”

“Manageable is another subjective term. Is it manageable to cut down the current 23 minutes of show into 15 minutes so we could squeeze the additional commercials into the show?”

“Manageable yes, reasonable no. We are already rushing to award two winners in the allotted time. We could only award one and be a fraction into the second before having to break for the day.”

“Well it could be a cliff hanger.”

“Hmm and with medical care on the line that would really be riveting.”

“Since the weeks shows are all filmed in a day back to back it would only seem life threatening to the viewer. “

“That’s right so no additional risk. Sweet.”

“But will the viewer tune in for a shortened show?”

“Oh I think they will be just as entertained finding out the side affects for various pharmaceuticals if not more than the show.”

“Brilliant! Lets do it,” declared Wink.

Humor

Win A Medical Procedure

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In an office near the studios of the game show “Win Your Medical Procedures” the network accountant enters the office of host Wink Atyolawyer.

“Wink, we’ve had some changes to our budget that is going to affect our prizes.”

“How so?”

“We can’t give away organ transplants anymore.”

“That’s Ok, we weren’t giving too many of those away anyway.”

“There is another change.?”

“Ok and that is?”

“We have to cut down on the number of MRI’s we give away.
We need to remove them from 60% of our prize packages.
The cost for those are edging into the stratosphere.”

“Thats not good, contestants were counting on those.”

“Well we are working on a replacement option involving cheap plane tickets.”

“To the Mayo Clinic?”

“Oh no, we couldn’t afford that but the destination doesn’t matter. What matters is that they go through the latest security scanners at the airport. We’re working with TSA to capture the data and send it to a doctor we’ll contract for review.”

“But medical costs are always increasing. How do we sustain the show?”

“Well with these changes we can make it to the end of the year but for next year we are going to have to pickup a few more sponsors.”

“How many is a few? “

“Twenty Five.”

“How many do we have now?”

Looking at his watch the account said “At this moment, 50.”

“Geez, we have to increase by 50%. Can we find that many?”

“That’s a good question. We already have all of the major health insurance carriers on board.”

“I hate to be captain obvious here but shouldn’t the insurance carriers not spend that money and pass on the savings to the insured?”

“You mean lower their bills?”

“Yes.”

“LOL, Good one sir.”

Mothers Day

Mother’s Day

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Amidst the chaos and doom and gloom of the last couple of years my mother has been her usual indomitable self. She continues to refuse to let the world get to her. She still strives to be compassionate to her fellow man. To me this is nothing short of saint like.

This may come as a surprise to many of you, alright probably none of you but my outlook on mankind is a bit cynical. I look at the world and see it as half empty with the other half being full of greedy self centered morons. If I had a lawn I would be outside right now yelling at people to get off of it. My mother on the other hand sees the world as being half full with the other half being the potential for the goodness of man.

No matter how disappointed and disillusioned I’ve become I am motivated to emulate her example It’s difficult but what choice do I have. If she can continue to be optimistic amidst the modern strife and chaos that surrounds us then there is no excuse for me to continue to be as cynical as I am.

Thank you again Mom for showing me how a life should be lived.
Happy Mother’s Day.

Humor, personal growth

Two Roads Diverged in A Yellow Wood and I took Both*

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Traveling through the woods on a cold winters night I came to a fork in the road and I pondered which to take. The left was bare and devoid of growth while the right was overgrown with everything that is green. The right would be slow going but looked more inviting. Before choosing, the sounds of one man grumbling ambled along the left road.

When the man appeared around the bend I blinked several times and rubbed my eyes. He looked like me. So much so that he could be more than a doppelgänger and close to an exact copy. Without a mirror I could not say what was different other than the clothes and perhaps a few years. He noticed me and he stopped, barely did a double take and stated “Well I’d avoid this road if I were you.”


“Why is that? Lions and Tigers and Bears?”
“Cute. No, it can change a person. Not all people but it certainly changed me and you are probably susceptible.”
“Did you grow a third nipple?”


“Ha, yea I like that 3rd nipple bit also but no it was more on a personality level. It was as if Machiavelli possessed me.“


“How so?”
“I took life way too seriously. I sought power in many parts of my life. At some point I decided I had as much power as people thought I had.”
“And that is a bad thing?”
“It is if it transforms you into something you’re not.”


“So you became an ass!^#%”
“Well this blog is for the general population so no I became an ass-hat.”
“What about ass-clown?”
“No, ass-clown is not as serious. It implies some levity and accidental “assery.””
“Nice alliteration, could be a band name.”
The man didn’t blink.
“Definitely sounds machiavellian. Did it work?” I asked.
“Yes but not without consequences.”
“What were those?”
“People began to call me an ass-hat behind my back.”
“Why was that?
“Because that was what I had become.”


“So what brings you here.”
“I decided I needed to change my ways and a relocation will cement that thought into my psyche.”
“Good luck,” I said as the man headed down the road to the right.”
“Thank you son , choose wisely,” he shouted over his shoulder.
I pondered his parting words but I had already chosen.
His cautionary tail had rang true and I turned to the right.


*My apologies to Robert Frost.

Humor

Mean People Suck (Don’t Be an Asshat)

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I had a brand new post about reading literacy and the dumbing down of the US. As I was polishing it up I realized it came across as elitist. The one goal in my life that I continue to pursue is the goal of not being an assHat. In the spirit of that I have set that post aside for rewriting and posting at a later time.  It seems appropriate at this time that I repost a previous entry about not being an assHat. Enjoy

But I don’t want to be PC

Humor, satire

a mission from God

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Today is a special day in the afterlife and
Herbert could feel excitement in the air. He was working the
front gate again. He called it the concierge desk. It gave him a sense of importance. The big guy said the afterlife is not the place for a class system. We are all equal here. Herbert understood but he really just wanted to wear a cool hat. God said he would look into the possibility of a hat.

Hat or not he felt excited. Today God would give a wake up call to the people of earth. Global climate change is real and caused by man. They already see the effects but are not addressing it with the urgency it deserves.

Herbert had put together a list of people he called influencers. He got the idea from social media but a large social media presence is not required. They could be well connected to various groups in their community the old fashioned way, networking.

When he had the list God would prematurely and temporarily call them home. While here they will be told they are going back but not before being shown into a special “sense-around” theater. This theater was more than huge speakers like the sad human attempts in the [70’s]. No, this is a theater that can deliver actual tidal waves, blasts of arctic air, the intense heat of forest fires, mud slides and hurricane strength winds. How? Come on, he’s God.

These people will be woke to the imminent danger of global warming and then sent back to tell the masses to get their “shit” together or they be doomed. Earth would survive. Humans however would be doomed.

Yes God said “shit”among a sundry other curse words in many different languages.

“Sometimes polite words don’t carry the proper amount of weight.”

Herbert decided to check and make sure the theater was ready to “wake-up some people.”

Before he realized it he had just walked past the entrance to the Sensatorium. Yes, The Sensatorium. Not a great name but better than the original name God wanted ,”The Feel-around”. That would have been an HR nightmare.

It took some delicate discussions with the big guy on why “Feel-around” may cause trouble.

People would take it literally and be sent to purgatory 1.

Herbert went back to the Sensatorium and peered inside. He saw nothing. “Holly Roses Moses.” Nobody here and there was nothing set up. He popped next door to resolve this issue right away.

“YES?”
” I hate to disturb you sir but we have a situation.”
“OH, DON’T TELL ME IT’S THE THEATER NAME AGAIN.”
“No sir, Sensatorium is just fine. The problem is the theater is
not setup “

“WELL OF COURSE IT ISN’T. WE WON’T BE USING THE SENSATORIUM FOR A WHILE. DID YOU NOT RECEIVE MY THOUGHT MEMO?”

“To tell the truth sir my mind is foggy lately. It’s quite possible I misplaced it. I need a break. I’m working overtime due to the pandemic .

“THE PANDEMIC IS THE REASON WHY WE ARE POSTPONING THE AWAKENING. WE CAN’T CALL THOSE PEOPLE BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PANDEMIC. BAD FORM. THAT WOULD BE PILING ON. WE’LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE PANDEMIC SUBSIDES.”


“Sage advice sir.”


YEA, THAT COMES WITH THE WHOLE GOD THING.

“Any idea when the Pandemic will subside sir.”

“WELL IT’S WHEN HERD IMMUNITY IS ACHIEVED .

“When is that sir?”

“WORST CASE SCENARIO IS WHEN 90% OF THE WORLD POPULATION HAS EITHER BEEN VACCINATED AND/OR EXPOSED TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

ONE OF THE BIG BUMPS IS THE UNITED STATES. TOO MANY STUBBORN, SELFISH AND/OR UNINFORMED CONSPIRACY NUTS IN THAT COUNTRY. BUT THEY WILL ARRIVE AT 90% EVENTUALLY.


“What makes you so sure sir?”

TOOL-WISE, IN ADDITION TO VACCINATION THERE IS DYING. WE’LL ACHIEVE IT.

“Yes we will sir.”

 

Humor, satire

The conspiracy Game Resurrection

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The conspiracy twins showed up at the pub the following evening at 8:00 pm. when the kitchen closed. (In cased you missed the previous installment).

“Gentleman you have returned,” said the bartender.
Mr Panama and The Bearded one both did a faux look around.

“Oh, you’re talking about us,” uttered the bearded one.

“Yes. I guess I won’t insult you with the gentlemen label again.”

“Good , because we’re not used to it and it’s an insult to gentlemen,” replied the men in unison.

“So what brings you guys back.”

“Well we…” “Sorry folks I am just not into writing about conspiracy game(s) at this time.”

“Who’s that?” asked the conspiracy twins.

“That is the author of this blog,” replied The Bartender.

“What’s the problem, ” asked the bartender.

“I never thought that people would believe the conspiracy crap I’m shoveling.”

“Are they,” asked The Bartender.

“Not that I know of but it won’t be long before they do. The whole pandemic thing created a lot of bored people starving for entertainment “

“What about you,” asked The Bartender.

“I’ve got other things to write about”

“What if you created an inane end game,” asked The Bearded One.”

“I thought about that. But that is kind of like the game telephone. Once it has gone around the world there is no telling what goal it’s morphed into. It could have gone from the innocent “Get a dog” to “get an angry sea bass with lasers., replied the author.”

“Nice Austin Powers reference,” said The Bearded One.

“Thanks I try.“

“Suck-up, “replied Mr.Panama.

“Don’t worry. I’ll find something for you to do.”

“Something with the “conpiracy twins” moniker, hopefully ? “

” I’ll keep it in mind.“

Stay tuned for further developments in the sad lives of our main characters.“

“You’re being kind of harsh with the judgement there.”

“Sorry , I’ll tone it down in the future.”

“Thanks, appreciate it.”

A Place To Share Some Grins