Category Archives: Humor

Things that make you LOL

The Team from Nowhere

They literally came out of nowhere.
Yes, the entire minor league baseball team seemed to have just popped up in a field in the middle of nowhere. At the risk of alienating anyone living anywhere lets just keep the location as the middle of nowhere.

During the preseason, questions without answers hovered over the team like carrion. Once the season started no one seemed to care. These guys were good.

Even to the novice fan these guys seemed special, almost magical. Every steal that was attempted always ended with the perpetrator popping up in his slide firmly planted on the bag. Every bat swung either connected for a hit or a foul. No one seemed to strike out. Well no team is that perfect. They struck out every once in a while but those were lost among the hits and a few walks. But they didn’t strike out enough for anyone to really remember them.

Fans are like that when their team is winning. Winning was not an accurate term to describe what these guys were doing. They were killing it. They were on an unbeaten streak since well, since the start of the season. No fan could think of any losses in the preseason either but then again the fans were just caught up in the novelty of the new team. Nobody could recall their win-loss record in the preseason. The only question was how long could they keep this up? They were bound to have a losing streak.

Coach Mickey Brown wasn’t worried about that. Those worries were small potatoes. He was worried that someone was going to start asking tougher questions. Questions about where exactly did they come from….

More Quotes From Writers and My Response.

You know the drill. I call out a quote by a famous or not so famous writer (there are more not so famous writers than stars under heaven) and then my version or response to it.

“In order to write the book you want to write, in the end you have to become the person you need to become to write that book.”
― Junot Diaz

My Response: “WTF, To write a book you must become a writer?”
Thank you captain obvious.

“Just me, my music, and the voices in my head.”― Christie Silvers

My Version: “Just me and the voices in my head who are demanding music.”

“I prefer to be on the side of losers, the misunderstood or lonely people rather than writing about the strong and powerful.”
― Núria Añó

My Response: “The strong and powerful will always get their story told, whether it’s fact or fiction is another story.”

“I write to believe in goodness.”
― Red Haircrow

My Response: “Goodness can write itself it’s evil that is much more interesting.”

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou

My Version: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, unless it’s extremely stupid,
People will forget what you did, unless insurance and/or the police are involved,
but people will never forget how you made them feel. Especially if that feeling is feeling superior to you.”

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard

My Version: “A friend is someone who knows all about you and yet never brings up the topic of blackmail.”

“Plot is people. Human emotions and desires founded on the realities of life, working at cross purposes, getting hotter and fiercer as they strike against each other until finally there’s an explosion—that’s Plot.”
—Leigh Brackett, WD

My Response : “Anyone else need a cold shower?”

or “Hard to believe it was Science Fiction that she wrote.”

“Don’t expect the puppets of your mind to become the people of your story. If they are not realities in your own mind, there is no mysterious alchemy in ink and paper that will turn wooden figures into flesh and blood.”
—Leslie Gordon Barnard, WD

My Response: “There is a fine line between creative writing and being mentally disturbed and quite often that line is not solid” -Dan

“I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me.”
—Ray Bradbury (WD)

My Response: “My ideas wake me but it’s tough to write while curled up in the fetal position.”


“Ink, a Drug.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Bend Sinister
My Response: “Those crazy Russians will smoke/drink anything and then start chasing after age inappropriate females.”

“A writer’s life is never boring when you have imaginary friends to play with!”
― Christie Silvers
My Response: “My other personalities say that quite often”

“A writer’s brain is like a magician’s hat. If you’re going to get anything out of it, you have to put something in it first”
― Louis L’Amour
My Response: “Put something in it? Aha that’s my problem”

“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”
― Albert Camus (French Philosopher)

My Version: “Don’t walk in front of me… It makes it harder to share a flask.
Don’t walk behind me… I have no clue as to where I’m going(Did I mention the flask?).
Walk beside me… I’ve had to much to drink and I may need to lean on you.”

“For your born writer, nothing is so healing as the realization that he has come upon the right word.”
—Catherine Drinker Bowen
My Version: “All Hail the Thesaurus!” -Dan

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
― Oscar Wilde
My Version: “Never forgive your enemies. A good grudge is a sad thing to waste.”

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

My Response: “For gods sake if you’re going to dance put your clothes on. Someone could be watching.”

Speaking in Shades of Blue (A Gangster Gotta use Expletives)

For some people technology causes them to use expletives. In my case it used to be that technology would get in the way of being able to truly express myself. Most spell checkers allow you to add words to its vocabulary. This is not only helpful with raging expletives it also allows for new words. Words that have spread through the general population but are not yet in a dictionary. Unfortunately some may eventually make it.

In general I am not a person that swears frequently.
My friends can attest to it and I live alone so there are no potential witnesses at home.

I am the same with writing but every once in a while a writer or specifically a writers character absolutely has to express some emotions that can only be conveyed properly with a streak of blue.

Case in point.
Gangster, mob or just crime stories in general .
There are often scenes in crime related movies where lack of swear words just seems unrealistic and even phony . It would be just as unrealistic if Wally and the Beaver 1. entered the screen with a flurry of expletives. Your jaw would drop as well as anything you were carrying.

Upon finding a horse head in my bed I would personally scream holy shit or WTF or some string of similarly emotive words. It sounds much more realistic than a Ned Flanders response “Oh fiddlesticks my sheets are ruined.”

In the middle of a gun fight it is much more realistic to scream “I’m going to bust a cap in your expletive ass” than “ I am going to fill your derrière with hot lead.”
Some people may get excited at that prospect but again it would probably elicit snickers and snickers are positively not allowed in a shootout.

When a loan shark has the fingers of a debtor broken its perfectly acceptable, neigh almost required, for the debtor to cuss to the high heavens. Responses such as “that’s going leave a mark” may be hysterical but certainly doesn’t belong in a drama.

There are apps out there that contain profanity filters which will scan text and if a word in it’s naughty list pops up it will either allow the first letter and replace the rest with the usual #$@! symbols or it will replace the rest with “((expletive), (vulgarity) … etc). The latter is somewhat classier but condescending and takes the fun out of trying to figure out what the word is.

So by all means have your low life criminals swear up a blue streak because, well, because they are low life’s. If they tend to populate higher social strata try to avoid the cliche of any dialogue requiring clenched teeth.

Well Geez They Need a Slogan

Sometimes I just can’t let go of the things that really tick me off. Well the anti-woke folks are at it again. Pick a state, any Red state, and they all seem to be trying to pass anti LGBTQIA2S+ 1 laws and voting restrictions all in the effort to attack the groups that woke folks have recognized are getting screwed by society.

Since they seem to be in lock step with each other and proud of their stance , they need a slogan to distill their thoughts down.

A few of my suggested slogans for the anti-woke crowd:

“I’m so Anti Woke I’m brain dead”

“Anti Woke = The Opposite of the Golden Rule”

“Anti Woke = Being selfish beyond reason”

“Anti Woke = Yes I left my mind back in kindergarten”

“Anti Woke = Don’t wake me up, I prefer to be unconscious”

“Anti Woke = If I wasn’t an adult I would add “nana nana boo boo” ”

“Anti Woke = For Those of Us Who Are Just Plain Mean”

“Anti Woke = Reminding you that people whose existence doesn’t cause problems make us uncomfortable”

A story I once overheard in a bar.

Remember this was heard in a bar so the truth of it may be highly suspect. That doesn’t stop me from repeating it and cautioning the reader to take it with a grain of salt or in this case one’s favorite libation or bartenders choice. I’ve chosen to obfuscate the tale and tell it in first person so as to give no impression of whom the story is about….

I have a pretty uneventful existence. Well, ignoring a few personal issues. We all have a few minor problems that complicate our lives and so it doesn’t seem unreasonable to discount those when ascertaining the current state of things.

It’s 7:00 am and like all the previous days the alarm on my phone wakes me from the sanctuary that is sleep. Easing out of bed, I get my bearings before making the journey to the shower. I spy a handwritten sticky note on the wall “Shower This Way->” I say “spy” but it’s hard to avoid the 12 inch by 12 inch yellow square clearly written in large Comic Sans font. Apparently I have a lot of time on my hands. I also didn’t realize they made stickies that big.

I find the shower and let the hot water wake me as it cascades down my body. After drying off I exit the bathroom and head towards the spot where I woke up twenty minutes ago. I walk around the bed and to the door marked “Clothes Closet”. Entering it I find myself staring at hangers to the left and right of me. The hangers to the right of me are draped with shirts and the hangers to the left contain slacks.

The shirts are fairly bland. Mostly solid white or solid blue. The entire right side of the closet is dedicated to them. They are arranged in alternating colors. No color ever duplicates it’s neighbor.

The entire left side of the closet is dedicated to dress pants and does not allow any variety. They are all black and all are a cotton polyester blend.
I believe the closet arrangement is created to avoid repetition in consecutive days.

It’s created for someone who’s memory can not be trusted. The other stickies are for the very same reason.
The person with the memory issue is your’s truly.
To be honest its worse than a memory issue, it is really a matter of trust. Trust in my own ability to remember to write down the events of the day in an accurate manner leaving no room for exaggeration, sarcasm or humor.

I had learned the hard way after one particular day when I saw it fitting to use sarcasm, hyperbole and metaphors all in one days summation. I’m still besieged by Volkswagen Beatles crammed with clowns, rubber chickens and “Acme”signs. That’s a story for a different day.

You see I can never be sure if anything I remember is actually real or something my brain created from scratch.
It is what it is. Yes that common platitude falls woefully short providing salve on an open and painful wound. A wound that never heals since it’s reopened daily.

One day I shall take all of my daily notes and distill them into book form. A book of fiction of course because no one would ever believe them as true events.

Remember this was overheard in a bar.

You may be an Asshat if…(Today’s Guide to the common Asshat)

American culture is so transient and capricious these days sometimes its hard to tell the asshats from decent folk.
If you are not familiar with the term asshat it is just a less vulgar term for assh***. Your know the word.

There are many forms expressing similar attributes.
AssClown: It still has the ass characteristic but now it takes on a certain level of incompetence as it applies to whatever activity they are taking part in.

AssMoron :Similar to AssClown but they have achieved a much higer level of incompetence than AssClowns.

AssJerk :Does not really exist because the second syllable in the term has much the same meaning as asshat making it redundant.

“Today we focus on the common asshat.
Ive created just the tool you need to determine if someone you know is one. So with no further ado and my apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I give you today’s guide to the common asshat.”

**They may be an asshat ….
If they use the term “woke” and they are not describing the state of someone no longer sleeping.

If they use the term woke and they put air quotes around the word “woke”.

They use the term snowflake in a derogatory manner.
But what Is a derogatory manner?
I’ll call out some guidelines here.

It’s a derogatory manner If the word is being used and does not relate to weather or something that is unique as in “Just like a snowflake is unique in that no other snowflake looks the same, no fingerprint is identical.”

They put the prefix “anti” in front of woke and think it’s a good thing when in fact they have just declared that they are against waking up and plan on sleeping the rest of their adult lives. If only it were true.

They are the same sort of folks that think Antifa is a bad thing even though the largest Antifa group on record was the U.S Armed Forces and their allies during WWII.

They create a new law which begs to have the words “don’t say” in front of it while still defending the first amendment.

They use the abbreviation PC or the term “political correctness” with a sarcastic tone or with air quotes.

They boycott their favorite beer company when the company created a beer can giving props to a transgender media star. They then realize they have no other beer in the house and decide to consume what they had in private. Waste not want not.

Further more, after drinking all of the bad “woke beer” in the house, they pick a “non woke beer” to drink not realizing the beer is made by the same company that owns their formerly favorite beer. In fact that company has 14 different brands of beer so odds are the asshats will end up still supporting a “Woke” company.

They get into a battle of wits with Mickey Mouse and they are woefully unarmed.

The groups that tend to generate asshat behavior at an alarming rate always create new enemies in fake culture wars to further divide this country. Never fear. I will stand at the ready to help you identify new members of this group that collectively I call The Society of Asshats.

Quit Being an Asshat and wake the F* Up


You knew I couldn’t just walk away from the whole “Woke” thing without adding to the two cents I’ve already tallied. Albeit with inflation it may be up to a nickel.

Being woke, in addition to the opposite of sleeping has also comes to mean that the woke person is suddenly aware of some long standing social injustice and their inaction has been just as bad as committing it.

The world has been cruel enough in the last three years it doesn’t need any help. Leastwise by folks who are proud to not give a shit and have worn the not woke label with pride. I honestly expect to see t-shirts stating “I’m so not woke I’m unconscious.” 1

We have Governors dedicated to the cause and are using anti-woke as a guideline for governance. You would think importing some other states immigrants so you can fly them up North would scratch your anti-woke itch but what do you do for the rest of your term? Well I guess it makes it easier if you have no brains.

“Governor, looking at our current test scores it is clear we need to focus on improving students performance.”
Do you have any ideas on the matter?”

“Yes we are going through our curriculum and removing any CRT related classes and then removing anything that suggests white folks did anything untowardly.”

“Currently sir there are no CRT classes in the states curriculum.”
“I’ll make sure there won’t be in the future because I have a job to do.”
“Is that job insuring ignorance among our students?”

“If that what it takes to be anti-woke than I say we should celebrate ignorance. That may be my campaign slogan.”2




The secret lives of George Santos(Kept on the down-low)

“Yea, see that supermodel on TV. I just broke up with her but keep that on the down-low. The kid is still a bit heartbroken but she’ll get over it.”

“”Why” you ask? Well, I met someone new and I’m just a one woman man.”

“”Who” you say? Well, you’d be surprised. You may know her as Halle Berry.”

“Oh, she’s involved you say? Yes of course she is. With me.
That other guy is just to throw off the paparazzi. She’s keeping me on the down-low.”

“Besides how could she turn down someone who’s independently wealthy and offers his espionage services pro bono to his country.”

“What? You’ve never heard of me? “

“For both those efforts I don’t like to be in the spotlight. Yes that’s it. I’m keeping it on the down-low.”

“What am I doing in DC?” I’m um, dropping by the Holocaust museum to check their records to make sure a uh, a cousin once removed is listed. Yea that’s the ticket.”

“Yes very tragic.”

“How long am I in DC?”

“Well a couple more days. I’m, um, checking into running for office. Yea, that’s the ticket.

“Oh no, not the Presidency but for a Senate office. My resume needs to be “beefed up” before I attempt a run for President. There are some useful skills I need to make up experience, um, acquire, before I run for President.”

“Stop! This is why I wanted to run through your monologue,” a befuddled Lorne Michaels uttered.

“This sounds too much like a Jon Lovitz liar routine. You won’t fool anyone.”

“You’d be surprised Mr. Michaels but that’s alright I can go in another direction.

“Great thanks let’s take a short break for lunch and well start with your new stuff. You know if the entertainment business doesn’t work out you might give politics a go at it.”

“Thanks I’ll keep that in mind but keep that on the down-low.”

There is no known record of George Santos ever auditioning for Saturday Night Live but don’t be surprised if it turns up on his resume in the future.

Pioneers No More

We are a far cry from the early pioneers that settled this country.
If any lessons can be learned from the last couple of years is that we as a nation are far removed from the sturdy pioneer stock that settled this country. Thankfully, for the most part, we no longer have to be of that stock. I suppose there is a possibility that we might have to colonize Mars or some other planet in the near future. Heaven help us. I can imagine some of the headlines that would be generated in such an effort.

“Angry women almost kills self when yelling about the tight fit of her space helmet.”
“It was hectic as we were preparing for landing and there was a brief moment I pondered not stopping her when she tried to loosen the seal on her helmet.” Said space flight attendant Fred Granby. “But then I thought about life in prison if I was charged with complicity and just thinking about it was going to give me nightmares.
Still, I did briefly pause when she yelled something about her rights.”
The unfazed man in the neighboring seat calmly stated. “Space travel does not come without risk.”

“Family learns painful lesson.”
The last words of space settler Stanley Simmons were “I am not a sheep and I will not put my helmet on.”
He uttered these words just before he exited the oxygenated confines of New Chicago. Mrs Simmons stated, “Yes it’s tragic but fortunately in this case he always had to be the first out the door. You can bet your Aunt Fanny I and the children made sure we had our helmets on. Sadly he is not around for me to tell him I was right. “

The training and testing for future space pioneers will probably instill a pioneer spirit in them or Darwin will weed them out.