Category Archives: Holidays

Black Friday: The Fun Room Revealed

“Oh my what? Let me see,” said Yo as he rolled in to the Fun Room.

“Wow, what a fun room,” said Yo.

“Hence the name ,” said Larry.

“Vow, that looks like quite a lot of fun,” smirked Jan peeking around the corner.

Sprawled before them lay a large room bounded by several chests of toys. At the center was a large, plush and inviting area rug. The wall at the far end was made up entirely of uniformly spaced book shelves. The uniformity was broken up by the center shelf which framed a large television.

“If Xena is here she may not want to leave,” said Yo.

“You think so?,” asked Larry.

“You think she would leave this room-o-fun to come to back to the Big Box. What do we have to offer,” asked Yo.

“Well, I’m part of the package,” replied a forlorn Larry.

It’s tough to tell when a box is forlorn but his corners were droopy and his cardboard top was a bit damp.

From out of the darkness the gang heard a sleepy voice mumble “Hey, could you newbies find a place to crash so I can get back to sleep.”

“Xena?,” exclaimed Larry.

Shining the bat utility light in the direction of the voice, Larry found himself looking at gleaming black box on a shelf below the big TV.

“Is that you Larry?”

“Yes, it’s me Xena but I don’t recognize you. If it wasn’t for the sweet voice of yours I wouldn’t know who I was talking to.”

“That’s right you’ve never seen me outside of a box.”

“Well, we’re here to rescue you from , um, what is this place?”

“It’s a homeless shelter for families Larry. Families stay here while we help them get back on their feet.”

“Oh. Sounds like a good place.”

“Oh it is.”

“So, you wouldn’t want to come back to the Big Box with me, or us ?”

“Which is it Larry? You, or us?”

“Well, I miss you, so me. They want you back also, so us too.”

“Larry, I’ve missed you and I’ve missed the rest of the gang too but I finally feel that I have a purpose here. The kids need me. I bring joy to them and I think they really need some of that in their lives right now.”

“Oh. Yea that sounds much more important than anything at the Big Box,” said Larry as his drooping corners became more noticeable.“

“Don’t be sad Larry. I have an idea. Why don’t you and the rest of the gang just stay here.”

“Is that possible?”

“Of course Larry. All kinds of things are always getting donated here, clothes , books and obviously toys. No one will be upset if more toys suddenly just show up.”

“Well, I would like to free my inner lego set and bring joy to some kids. This 10,000 piece puzzle box disguise is harshing my mellow,” said Larry as he
looked at Yo and winked.”

“Yea, I see what you did their said Yo.”

“What do think guys,” asked Larry.

“Well, I guess I can put up with tossing my string more often if I can bring some smiles to some kids,” said a smiling Yo.

“Why not my fine chums,” said Batman. ” The Batmobile needs a charge anyway.”

In unison they all nodded their heads and said yes.

Stosh was a little too vigorous in his head shaking but with a click Jan had his head popped back into place.

“Well it settled then,” stated Xena.

“Wait a minute,” said a new voice. “No one asked me.”

“Is that you Robin my fine feathered chum,” asked Batman.

“Holy short term memory loss, of course it is Batman.”

“Well is it ok with you chum?”

“Of course I can’t stay mad at you.”

“Well, I am glad that’s settled,” said Xena. ” Larry, when we get some alone time we should talk. I think we both have some unsaid things to be said.”

“Oh, yes I suppose we do.”

“Where has our coiled friend gone to,” asked Batman.

Yo rolled to the doorway, “He’s stuck to the carpet again. I think he’s going to need all of us with hands this time.”

Larry shrugged his corners and smiled, ”I guess that leaves me out.”
He shuffled over to Xena. “So, lets talk shall we.”

Xena looked down and smiled. “Yes, I would like that.”

Black Friday: Inside The Fun Room

Larry hit the ground , let go of the rope and waited for Yo and the rest of the gang to climb down.

“What do suppose this place is Batman?”

“Well my boxlike friend it looks like a large house.”

“Yea, I , uh , figured that but I was hoping with your crime-fighting skills you might be able to come up with an idea of where to look for Xena.”

“Um, yea I got nothing.”

“Thanks oh winged one.”

“Hey guys, what’s the plan,” asked Yo and he rolled up with Jan and Stosh behind him.

“Well Batman and I were just wondering where you would keep an xbox disguised as a pong box in this place?”

“Vell, I have an idea,” stated Stosh.

“Don’t hold us in suspense big guy,” replied Yo.”

“How about that room over there, the von vith the sign that reads “Fun Room”.”

“I was just about to suggest that my rivet jointed friend,” said Batman.

“Vas that a crack,” asked Stosh.

“No, Batman doesn’t have a sense of humor,” replied Larry.”

“Well, Stosh’s head is on straight right now so I say lets check out the Fun Room,” added Yo.

The gang quietly creeped ahead, well all but Larry, he kind of clunked along, a box is not quite stealthy.

After unhooking Steve from the carpet several times they finally reached the fun room.”

“Well, Who’s going first,” asked Yo looking pointedly at Larry.

“My heart dragged my hear I guess it should leads us on,” said Larry.

“Your such a romantic. I think I’m going to be sick,” said Yo.

“Vertigo acting up Yo,” asked Larry.

“No , i’m allergic to sap.”

Larry peaked into the room and with a light from Batman’s utility belt illuminated the room.

“Oh My”

What has the gang discovered ?

What has become of Xena?

What will become of Steve?

Does the Batmobile run on batteries? Please can someone answer that question?

Black Friday: The House On The Hill

“Yo, Have you heard anything from Alfred?

“Well, his daughter just graduated from school and was accepted to Action Figure Law School.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant. Has he found Xena?”

“Yes and No”

“Hmm, that question usually results in a a Yes or No answer. Perhaps I am confused on the concept of finding someone.”

“He has located the building that she is being held in,” replied Yo.

“Great. I sense a but that you’re not sitting on though, out with it.”

“Well, you know that big house on Loman’s Hill.”

“The one that creaks in the wind and always seems to be bathed in darkness?”

“Yes, that’’s where Alfred has tracked her down to .”

“And?”

“We know nothing regarding the who, what or why of the building.”

“So the bottom line is that we don’t know what were getting into. Does that about sum it up?”

“You are correct Larry.”

“And that is different from our usual exploits how?”

“Um, well, um…..I sense that we have now come to the point that you are trying to make.”

“You are correct Yo. We have visited this kind of chapter several times in our life stories and what do we usually do?”

“We buck up and blindly charge into the abyss?”

“That’s an interesting way to put it Yo but yes that is what we usually do. Gather up the gang Yo. We need to strategize.”

“What about the blind charging part?”

“Hey I am all for the bucking up and charging but I would like to like to avoid stumbling over the furniture on the way to the abyss.”

“Fair enough.”

So on that fateful evening in December Larry stood before Yo, Batman, The Polish Boxing Twins , Major Mat Mason and Steve.”

“Who’s the Slinky asked Yo”

“Thats Steve replied Larry. He’s kind of like a red shirted Star Trek crewman.”

“Oh, please don’t tell me that,” replied Yo.

“Ok I won’t,” replied Larry before turning to address  the crew.

“People” announced Larry.

“Our goal tonight is to rescue Xena. We don’t know what danger lies ahead and what will become of us,” said Larry trying not to look at Steve.

“But I have confidence in each and every one of you. We will be taking both the BatMobile and the Major’s Moon Rover to the dark house on Loman’s hill. Jan and Stosh can only remove their heads so many times before it starts to cause permanent damage. Batman, using his various bat thingies on his utility belt will pave a way to the roof for the rest of us to follow. From there we will drop in to the fortress from the skylight. Once in we will spread out and locate Xena.”

“Then what,” asked Steve.

“Well, then we do what we always do, replied Larry ”

“We wing it?” asked the Major..

“Thats right, we wing it,” replied Larry. “To the BatMobile gang!”

“…and the MoonRover?, asked Yo.

“Yea, but I was going for a dramatic segue-way.

“Oh. To the Dark House On The Hill!”

Black Friday: The Band Comes Together

So Yo, What is the plan?

“Plan?”

“For getting the Band back together.”

“Oh, yea sorry the vertigo was kicking in.”

“Too much of the up and down again?”

“Yea, but I’m ok.”

“So whats our move .”

“Well, Ive taken inventory and we still have the Major and Batman.”

“Man we’re crossing toy companies again, we’re begging for trouble.”

“We’ll worry about that later. The key thing is that, between those two , we’ll have 
 transportation and intel.”

“Oh yea, the rover and that bat vehicle thingy.”

“You mean the Bat Mobile. We won’t tell Batman you called it a thingy.”

“So by intel I take it you mean information. Where are we getting that from?”

“Batman is still in touch with that Alfred dude .”

“Alfred still has that computer in his cave?”

“Well, not exactly. He  retired and traded in the computer and the cave for a smart phone and a condo  in Florida. The phone  is way more powerful than that old computer.”

“Sounds about right. So do we know where to find Xena?”

“No, Alfreds working on it .  We’ll need some muscle so we’ll have to rescue the Polish Boxing twins.”

“Jan and Stosh need rescuing? From what?”

“The WAFL.”

“Their trapped in a waffle?”

“Um, No. the World Action Figure League, they got tricked into a lifetime contract.”

“How do we break that?”

“I have a cousin who’s a lawyer-action-figure. If its written down and there are no 
 pictures involved he can get you out of it. He has pull with some judges and got us 
 a temporary restraining order against the WAFL. We just have to deliver it. “

“Lawyer action figure? What kind of action can they be involved in.”
“Oh filing lawsuits and vacationing in the Hamptons counts as action for some kids.”

“Not any kids I want to play with.”

“Jan and Stosh have a fight at the arena tonight and I gave Batman a heads up. To the Bat-Mobile Larry. I always wanted to say that.”

So for the second time in that day, Yo came down with vertigo. Dropping from the rafters in an action figure boxing ring can do that to a Yo-Yo.

It was worth it, thought Yo, as he , Larrry, Stosh, Jan and Batman sped back to the Big Box via the Bat Mobile. The Band was slowly coming together.

Yes, it  was a bit crowded in the the Bat Mobile but fortunately Jan and Stosh can remove their heads.

Will Yo and Larry be able to emancipate Jan and Stosh  from WAFL?

Can Alfred and his smart phone find Xena in time for him to make the next blue plate special.

Does the Bat Mobile run on batteries?

All this and maybe less in the next installment.

Confused? Perhaps you skipped the prequel. Black Friday: A Different Perpective.

 

 

Black Friday – The Band Gets Back Together

Larry the Lego Set was feeling a tad out of sorts, maybe even a biff*.

At first he thought perhaps he was missing one of his parts but a thorough check confirmed he seemed to have his stuff together.

Bricks , normal and duplo, check. Figures, check. Wheels, check. Lego train tracks, train, scenery and town, check. Larry considered himself a well rounded individual. Hey, it takes a village to make a fake village or a Larry.

It had been a few weeks since he last saw Xena before she finally was absconded with. Absconded is a bit of a harsh term for the event. It was a legitimate sale. They saw it coming and tried to thwart the sale. Well, as much as mildly animated inanimate objects could thwart anything but the author has a strange new found fondness for the word thwart. The sale could not be thwarted. The sale appeared to have a will of its own, thought Larry. “But, that’s just nuts.”
Larry sighed deeply and as he was about to go into another self pity fueled sadness bender his buddy Yo came swinging in.

Hey , he’s a Yo-Yo that’s what they do.**

“Snap out of it Larry. This pitty party of one is harshing my mellow.”

“Harshing my mellow?”

“Hey. I’m a Yo-Yo. I was born in 1970’s California.”

“I hate to go all Cliff Claven on you but you can trace your roots to the Philippines and before that to China. I’m not an expert but I find it hard to believe the term “Harsh My Mellow” could originate in any Chinese dialect.”

“Larry, are you the author of my story? That was rhetorical. The answer is “I think not.”

“Ok, Ok. I did not mean to harsh your mellow.”

“You have been moping around here ever since Xena was sold. Can’t you see whats happening here?”

“I’m sad, my mellow has been harshed?”

“Ok, now your just making fun of me. No. You my friend are heartbroken.”

“Heartbroken? How could I be why I never told ..we never talked…I mean, well, yea you are right. Pardon my expression but my heart seems to be at the end of string spinning forever with no hope of ever being ruinited with hands of comfort.”

“Ok now I just want to toss my string.”

“Sorry, but what am I going to do?”

“Well duh. Do I have to think of everything. You want to get advice from a Yo-Yo all of your life.  Just think about it.”

“We, should go get Xena?”

“There you go. And what else.”

“There’s something else?”

“Yes , who do we need to help ?”

“Um, The Major, Jan and Stosh, Batman. Yo-Yo’s little helpers?”

“Yes and no. That name never stuck. It doesn’t sound much like  a band of action heroes. Especially in an Austrian accent.”

” How about The Band.”

“Yes The Band. That works.”

” We need to get the Band back together?”

“Yes Larry, We need to get the Band back together.”

 

 

 

 

*Not a unit of measure but it should be.

**Perhaps you should stop trying to catch up and check out the original four part prequel. “Black Friday, A Different Perspective.” “Black Friday: Living On The Down Low“, “Black Friday: The Gathering” and the thrilling conclusion “Black Friday: Twas The Night Before Christmas”

 

That is the original name. I didn’t rename it once I decided it was a prequel. I’m not George Lucas. Maybe if someone makes a wildly successfully movie, the heavens open and gold flows down a rainbow into a sea of love, peace and tranquility I’ll think about it.

A White Elephant Never Wears The Same Stripes (Family Christmas)

My family has a holiday tradition that we have religiously followed for as long as my siblings have had children. Since we were all buying presents for said children we decided that the gifts for the rest of the family would be part of a white elephant exchange.

Now, while we all thought that was a stroke of genius, I can’t quite recall whose idea it was.

I will admit that while it was not mine, I was quite happy with the decision. I was living in Northern Virginia at the time and spending way to much money on luxury items such as food and housing.

The tradition has become quite enjoyable and now includes all of the children. They did not want to miss out on the fun. Yes, we consider the verbal abuse of each other, in a structured setting of course, quite fun. Doesn’t everybody?

The gift exchange has become a time honored tradition. The rules however are not so much of a tradition but more of a yearly agreement.

I am pretty sure we have not played by the same set of rules in any one year let alone consecutive years.

Some of you may suggest “why don’t you just look up the rules on wikipedia or google them.”

For you I would have two responses: 1) Wikipedia, really, are you nuts? You are asking to crowdsource information on something no two people can seem to agree upon. 2) Where is the fun in that? Sure we spend at least a half hour negotiating the rules before we start the exchange but that only adds to the fun.

Among the usual topics for negotiation are determining who goes first. Yes, it sounds simple and we do draw numbers but after that the process is pretty much a crapshoot. We are a very creative family .

“ Is the lowest number first or last?”

“A reasonable question. Let’s do the opposite of last year. Does anyone remember what we did last year?”

“Do we weight the numbers with the age of the person and if so do the older or younger persons have more weight?”

Now these are the less imaginative of the ideas , with any large group of people the suggestions can get quite outrageous.

“Can we consider birth order?”

“We already discussed age of the person so we have covered that.”

“No, I mean by the month. Which month you were born in, so like January comes before February.”

“Interesting idea, So you being born in January has nothing to do with that idea?”

“Of course not.”

“Nice try. Next.”

“What are the rules of stealing?”

“Rules, You mean is it punishable by law? If so I am not sure you understand the concept of the white elephant.”

No, I mean is there a restriction on the number of times a a particular person can steal?

“You’re still angry at me for stealing your waffler last year aren’t you?”

“That was two years ago. Of course not.”

“There is not a restriction on the number of times anyone can steal.

There is only a restriction on the number of times an item can be stolen.”

“What if it’s a really good item? Shouldn’t everyone have a chance to steal it?”

“No. That would be a disaster of biblical proportions.”

“Ok, how about no gift can be stolen more than 3 times.”

“Sounds reasonable.”

There is a limit on the amount spent on the gift. That was set a few years ago and probably will not be up for renegotiation until all of the birds have flown the coop and are on their own. I for one hope that my fifteen year-old niece will be working on a doctorate.

Black Friday: Twas The Night Before Christmas

The wrapping paper has been cleaned up but the laughter is still unfurling around my holiday break.  I hope your holidays were as joyous as mine and that this last installment of my Black Friday series  help conclude your holiday with laughter.

 

“Black Friday: Twas The Night Before Christmas”……ooh I can feel the joy already…or perhaps its the rum…..

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
were toys on display including a vintage Mickey Mouse.
There were games, there were gadgets, displayed in glass cases.
The collector was wary and kept his guests at fifteen paces.

The collector had food and drink to serve in his lair.
He would bring out his Pong to show off with fanfare.
The party was happening and many carols they did sing.
Until a band of toys appeared and a door bell they did ring.

The collector opened his door and failed to see
a band of toys underfoot as they scurried with glee.
With a major their leader so authoritative and quick
I knew it was Matt Mason, gosh he was slick.

More rapid than beagles his bandits they came
He whistled and ordered and called them by name.
On, Jan! On, Stosh! The Robots there were two.
On Yo!, On Larry, and perhaps a cow who did moo.

On Major! On Batman, who joined in the fun.
To rescue their friend, a brand new Xbox one.
To the top of the shelf and back towards the wall
Steal away! Steal away! Steal away all!

There was noise, there was chaos as the the batman yelled things not so holy.
He had a right to be upset for he landed in the guacamole.
When their friend was collected and their mission near over.
They all made a getaway in Major Mason’s moon rover.

The party lay in ruins, guacamole tracked across the floor.
The collector was convinced he would collect toys no more.
The band was merry and oh such a sight
as they danced and they darted off into the night.

So let that be a lesson to toy collectors all
prepare for uninvited guests at your next christmas eve ball.

So I in my kerchief all snug in my bed
decided my vision was just a dream in my head.

I finished off my Scotch and curled up in a ball.
With thoughts of good cheer and a Merry Christmas for all!

Black Friday: The Gathering

I apologize for keeping my readers on the edge of their seats waiting for this the third installment of my Black Friday series. The great thing about writing is the reader doesn’t have to see me trying to keep a straight face while typing out that last sentence.

Without further ado I give you  “Black Friday: The Gathering (Vintage Vendetta)”

Larry had been moping all afternoon. Xena was gone and he could not fill the void left behind. No matter how he reconnected his pieces he still had a big gap somewhere.

Yo had to listen to Larry whine all afternoon and it was killing him. It was time for some action, besides the only lubricant he had only worked on Yo-Yo(s).

“All right Larry quit your belly aching. It’s clear you are not going along with my ‘there is another XBox just around the corner’ philosophy. Besides I admit you were right,  Xena had that certain whatever the French say she had.”

“A certain I don’t know,” replied Larry.

“Yea I don’t know either but you know what I mean,” said Yo.

“Um, sure.”

“My point is we need to go get her. You’re not the only one who had a narrow escape from that vintage collector Larry.”

“If I recall correctly his name is Vince,” said Larry.

“Vince? Like short for Vintage? Your kidding me,” exclaimed Yo.

“Hey I don’t make these names up . That’s some other guys job,” replied Larry.

“Well this Vince guy has put the fear of Mattel in a lot of old toys I know and quite a few would be willing to help,” said Yo.

“You don’t say. And you can round them up in a moment’s notice?” asked Larry.

“Yep,” said Yo as he winked. “They’re also living here on the down low.”

“How come I don’t know them?”

“ Because as a box Larry you tend to be, um how do I put this, mobility challenged.”

“Fair enough. So who are these toys?”

“I’ll tell you what. I will go round them up and introduce you to them,” replied Yo.

“Ok Yo. I’ll be here moping.”
 said Larry.

“Ok, but you better snap out of this funk by the time I get back or you won’t be able to inspire the other toys to march into the mouth of danger.”

“Mouth of danger?” asked Larry.

“Hey I don’t make up these metaphors. That’s some other guys job.” laughed Yo and added “I’ll be back.”

“Was that an Austrian accent?” asked Larry. But Yo was gone. I could have sworn that was an Austrian accent.

Yo soon returned leading a parade of refugee toys. Larry took one look and thought he was suffering from flashbacks. If he listened carefully he could have sworn he heard either Wagner or maybe the theme to the three stooges playing in the background.

“Form up on me everyone.” ordered Yo.

It was clear he was either getting into the proper spirit of the moment or suffering from delusions of grandeur. Larry was voting for the latter.

There was a clatter of chaos and then from under a pile of what appeared to be every popular toy of the 70’s the voice of Yo could be heard screaming “I meant literally folks.”

“I think that’s figuratively Yo,” shouted Larry.

“Yea, they know what I mean.”

“No, it’s obvious they don’t. That’s why you are currently buried by them.” replied Larry.

A few moments later the pile had broken up and had formed a nice neat line.
Strutting in front of the line, as much as a Yo-Yo can strut, was Yo.

“Alright Larry, let me introduce our volunteer army or what I like to refer to a Yo-Yo’s little helpers.”

“Yo, you are starting to suffer delusions of grandeur.”

“What? Grand Illusion?” I didn’t know you were a Styx fan?” asked Yo.

“Um, up until they became a love ballad smorgasbord but I meant that you are starting to let your ego run away with you. Besides, you make them sound like elves and that is not going to inspire fear in anyone let alone Vince the collector”.

“Vince the collector. Sounds like a hit man.” laughed Yo.

“Well it’s definitely scarier than Yo-Yo’s little helpers.”

“Ill give you that. We can come up with a name later. Let me introduce them to you. Starting from your left and proceeding to your right…”

“Yo, I’m a box of legos I have no hands.” interrupted Larry.

“Yea, but you know what I mean. This here is Major Matt Mason. He is an astronaut toy from the 60’s. 1966 I believe. “

“He looks to be in good shape considering his age,” stated Larry.

“Larry, may I remind you that your shape is a box and you don’t have a right to comment on the shape of others”.

“Yea, that’s fair Yo.  So what can he contribute to the effort?” asked Larry.

“Ahem, Let me answer that,” replied the Major as he step forward and saluted.

“I have years of space training at the Mattel Space Camp.” stated the Major.

“Well that’s nice Major but we won’t be going into to space,” replied Larry.

“Well I have a moon rover and a really cool Jet Pack that can move us along a zip line,” added the Major.

“Welcome aboard Major,” said a smiling Larry.

“Next we have Betsy Wetsy,” said Yo pointing to a baby.

“But Yo ,” whispered Larry. “She’s a baby and need we go into whether her name is literal or figurative?”

“Hmm, you have a point,” said Yo and added “Sorry Betsy. I think you could help us better on the home front.”

“Our next volunteers are brothers Jan and Stosh the Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
They’re Polish and they claim to have inspired a generation of Polish boxers. I don’t know if that’s true but I’m not going to question them. I think they will come in handy if we get in a bind and need some muscle.”

“That’s a good point Yo. Welcome aboard gentlemen.” Larry did a double take and asked Yo.” “Is it me or is his neck unusually long?”

Yo looked at the robots and said “Hey Stosh, or Jan, whichever; Please re-engage your neck spring. It’s freaking Larry out. Don’t worry Larry it goes back down. It’s part of their design.”

“Yo, who is that box there,” whispered Larry.

“Oh that there is Spirograph. He’s an artist.”

“We will not have time for art on this mission Yo,” stated Larry.

“Yea, I knew you would say something like that.” interrupted Spirograph. “No body appreciates art.”

“That’s not true,” uttered Larry. “I would love it if you could whip something up to inspire the troops.”

“You got it,” replied the Spirograph. “Do you have any drawing paper?”

“We’ll find you some in a moment,” replied Yo

The introductions carried on for a while and when they were done they had assembled a nice unit of specialists ready to mount an assault on Vince the collector and take back Xena.

“Larry I think you left out Mr. Potato Dude over there,” whispered Yo.

“Yes on purpose. We can’t afford the law suit that would entail,” replied Larry.

“Oh yea. I see your point.”

“Yo. You mentioned that several of these toys had some problems with Vince. Do they know where he lives?” asked Larry.

“You mean his lair,” replied a Batman action figure (of the Adam West variety).

“Um, yes I guess you could call it that.” replied Larry.

“Robin and I were once a captive of the one you call Vince the collector. I can lead you to his lair in the dark if I have to”.

“Yo, Who is this Robin that he speaks of?” asked Larry.

“Keep it down will you. That is a sore subject. They parted ways and it wasn’t pretty.”

“Oops, my bad,” said Larry and then added “That would be great Mr., um, Batman.”

“It’s just Batman my boxlike friend.” replied Batman.

“Very well, Batman. You will lead us to the collector’s lair.”

Larry looked upon the rag tag group of toys that represented his last hope of seeing Xena again and shuddered. They’re not the dirty dozen but their all I have, he thought.

Will Spirograph finally be recognized as a true artist?                                                              Can Batman find Vince’s lair and if so will Xena trust her future to this collection of stooges?                                                                                                                                                  Do Jan and Stosh speak english or will the author have to translate?*                                 What will Vince do when he finds out that Xena is not a vintage Pong game?These answers and what ever the author dreams up after a late night snack to follow.

* He can if they just want to order lunch in a diner with soda water and/or beer.

Black Friday : Living On The Down Low

A funny thing after the repost of the first of this four part series, I actually received a repost request from a real person and not one of my personalities. They are mentally healthy as far as I can tell but who am I to judge. So without further ado here is part 2 of my Black Friday Series.

     


 

Black Friday: Living On The Down Low
A week had gone by at the local Big Box and Xena had managed to avoid being sold. They had been lucky, thought Larry. Their luck would run out soon. He was getting nervous.

Yo had the job of finding a suitable disguise for Xena. He was not exactly the brightest Yo- Yo on the planet, ok his string didn’t spin very fast on his hub if you know what I mean, but he could move around the store much faster than Larry and time was of the essence.

Larry was grateful that Yo was willing to take the risk of being out in the open during prime buying season. He could no longer move like, well, lets face he could never really move all that fast.

It was probably because he was big boxed.

Yo had come back with several potential disguises but for one reason or another they all turned out to be bad ideas. The one idea that had come closest to solving their problem was when Yo discovered  a box containing Hug Me Elmo.

It wouldn’t take much to take out Elmo and dispose of the body. They also thought that he would not be in high demand given the scandal surrounding the Elmo puppeteer but Larry was worried the buying public had a short memory and since the Hug Me version did not sound as suspicious as the Tickle Me edition he did not want to take a chance on its marketability.

Larry was beginning to think it was time to think outside his box when Yo swung back from his latest expedition sounding triumphant.

“You sound exuberant. You had some luck I take it?” asked Larry.

“Huh, no I don’t need any lubricant. What are you talking about?” replied Yo.

“I said exuberant, it means excited.”

“Oh yea. I am exited. I found a perfect disguise for Xena.” replied Yo.

“Well, where is it?” asked Larry.

“After the last couple of failures I was not going to go swinging halfway across the store with it. Its a box of some kind of ping-pong things.”

“Ping-Pong Paddles?” queried Larry.

“Yea, that it.” answered a proud Yo.

“So, no batteries required?”

“Nope,” answered Yo.

“Nothing to plugin?”

“Nope again,”replied Yo.

“So its something they could play in a power outage or the coming apocalypse?” asked Larry.

“The alpaca what?”, replied Yo.

“When the stuff hits the fan.” answered Larry.

“Oh. Yea, light a few candles and I suspect there wouldn’t be a problem.” said Yo.

“It’s perfect. They’ll never buy it.” said Larry with a big grin on his box and added “Will you need help getting the box over to Xena in the gadget section?”

“No, in the time it would take you to get there someone could take out your insides and put them together.” laughed Yo.

“You do know that this box is a disguise and inside I am legos and not a 10,000 piece mercator puzzle of the world don’t you?”

“Uh, yeah. Hey, it could take a while to put legos together.” “I’ll be fine,” he said as he swung away toward the electronics department.

Sometime later Yo returned. “You can relax now Larry. Looking at Xena you would have no idea she’s the latest Xbox.”

“Just in the nick of time too. I just heard the manager saying they were going to put them on sale before we open today.” stated Larry. Just then the door chimed and signaled the store opening. The stampede had begun.

Having looped his string to the shelf unit Yo whispered “Quick Larry, toss me down behind the shelf”*. Larry did as he was told and then stayed in the back. His disguise had worked well but he wasn’t going to push his luck.

The sound of footsteps was soon accompanied by voices and the carnage began. Both Yo and Larry were sweating it out, well as much as toys could sweat, and the hours ticked by.

Larry was about to fall asleep when he heard a familiar voice in the electronic section say “Come here honey. Get a load of this.”

“What is it Harold?” replied a woman.

“I do believe it’s an old electronic Pong game Marge.”

“Yikes,” gasped Larry.

Now he recognized that voice. It was the vintage toy collector that he barely escaped from a few years back. “Yo, you said you found a box of Ping Pong paddles.”

“Well it had the word pong on the box so I just figured that’s what it was.” replied Yo rather sheepishly.

“Swell, remind me to rewind your string extra tight.”

Larry and Yo listen as Harold and Marge excitedly carried away their find to the front desk. Soon they exited the store with a big bag containing Xena.

“We’ll never see Xena again Yo.” said a sad Larry.

“Don’t worry Larry, another sexy gadget is just around the corner.” replied Yo trying to comfort him.

“You don’t understand Yo. She was just my type.”

“Oh Larry, all big boxes are your type.”

“That’s not true Yo. There was something about Xena. No matter what box she was in she had a certain ju ne se qua.” lamented Larry.

“A june bug what?” asked Larry.

“It’s French. A certain I don’t know what.” replied Larry

Yo shook his head and replied “Yea I don’t know what those French are trying to say either.”

Stay tuned for the next installment of the Black Friday Adventures. Will Larry be convinced that all sexy gadgets are alike and a replacement for Xena is just around the corner?

Will Larry try to rescue Xena?

Will Yo get an French-English dictionary?

Answers to these questions and those being asked by the voices in the authors head are coming to this blog soon.

*Sure Yo could swing himself across the store but his fear of the dark prevented him from hiding behind the shelf without a little push.

Infection Staycation (How to Take Advantage of Being Sick for Maximum Enjoyment)

So you had planned on traveling to see family for the 4th of July.  A tradition kept alive for going on 15 years. Several Birthdays , including the nations, all rounded into one big happy party.
Too bad a sinus infection decided to spread to your lungs and kept you down for the count. Just because it has caused pneumonia in the past doesn’t mean your vacation is ruined. A positive outlook and a little imagination can still provide days of entertainment.

If you have a tradition of running high fevers, mentally prepare yourself now to take full advantage of the hallucinations that are on their way.

Binge watch some of the shows that can surround you with the images you’ll require for your ideal vacation. If you’re looking for that L.A. experience try out some Entourage. If you ask for something more exotic from your hallucinations then perhaps Lost or Fringe is more your style.

Remember one persons freak show is another person’s ideal vacation.

If your vacation tastes run more to the beach scene try out some old Baywatch episodes. To recreate the same urge you have when you see the ocean, drink plenty of water and clear the path to your bathroom.

Some vacations naturally come with cocktails and while drinking is probably not a good idea when you’re sick, there are some cough syrups out there that come highly recommended by quite a few well known rappers.*

If you are used to taking in a good fireworks show on the fourth then tune your TV to the fireworks broadcast of your choice, hook up some decent speakers and crank them up to eleven.
This can act as a decent simulation of the real thing. Throw in the proper incense, do they make “essence of cordite”, and you will actually think you’re there.

Most important of all, no matter how you celebrate, hold on to your couch and be safe out there.
Happy Fourth!

* Remember this is humor, do not take this seriously.

Photo: Fireworks over San Diego 2004: Public Domain Photos.