All posts by Jayhawkdano@comcast.net

Moving from Chicago to Kansas at the age of ten is bound to have some affect on a kid. I was a Polish/Irish boy in the land of Smith/Jones(s) . Humor became my go to coping mechanism and reading/science became my refuge. That is the recipe that created the person that I am today, an engineer who, um, shall we say “sees the world differently”. I am no longer in Kansas. They were done with me quite a while ago. I am currently roaming the wilds of Colorado but where ever I go people always tell me I’m “unique”. I am sure they mean it as a compliment.
Humor

Quit Being an Asshat and wake the F* Up

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You knew I couldn’t just walk away from the whole “Woke” thing without adding to the two cents I’ve already tallied. Albeit with inflation it may be up to a nickel.

Being woke, in addition to the opposite of sleeping has also comes to mean that the woke person is suddenly aware of some long standing social injustice and their inaction has been just as bad as committing it.

The world has been cruel enough in the last three years it doesn’t need any help. Leastwise by folks who are proud to not give a shit and have worn the not woke label with pride. I honestly expect to see t-shirts stating “I’m so not woke I’m unconscious.” 1

We have Governors dedicated to the cause and are using anti-woke as a guideline for governance. You would think importing some other states immigrants so you can fly them up North would scratch your anti-woke itch but what do you do for the rest of your term? Well I guess it makes it easier if you have no brains.

“Governor, looking at our current test scores it is clear we need to focus on improving students performance.”
Do you have any ideas on the matter?”

“Yes we are going through our curriculum and removing any CRT related classes and then removing anything that suggests white folks did anything untowardly.”

“Currently sir there are no CRT classes in the states curriculum.”
“I’ll make sure there won’t be in the future because I have a job to do.”
“Is that job insuring ignorance among our students?”

“If that what it takes to be anti-woke than I say we should celebrate ignorance. That may be my campaign slogan.”2




Humor, Political, satire, Television

The secret lives of George Santos(Kept on the down-low)

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“Yea, see that supermodel on TV. I just broke up with her but keep that on the down-low. The kid is still a bit heartbroken but she’ll get over it.”

“”Why” you ask? Well, I met someone new and I’m just a one woman man.”

“”Who” you say? Well, you’d be surprised. You may know her as Halle Berry.”

“Oh, she’s involved you say? Yes of course she is. With me.
That other guy is just to throw off the paparazzi. She’s keeping me on the down-low.”

“Besides how could she turn down someone who’s independently wealthy and offers his espionage services pro bono to his country.”

“What? You’ve never heard of me? “

“For both those efforts I don’t like to be in the spotlight. Yes that’s it. I’m keeping it on the down-low.”

“What am I doing in DC?” I’m um, dropping by the Holocaust museum to check their records to make sure a uh, a cousin once removed is listed. Yea that’s the ticket.”

“Yes very tragic.”

“How long am I in DC?”

“Well a couple more days. I’m, um, checking into running for office. Yea, that’s the ticket.

“Oh no, not the Presidency but for a Senate office. My resume needs to be “beefed up” before I attempt a run for President. There are some useful skills I need to make up experience, um, acquire, before I run for President.”

“Stop! This is why I wanted to run through your monologue,” a befuddled Lorne Michaels uttered.

“This sounds too much like a Jon Lovitz liar routine. You won’t fool anyone.”

“You’d be surprised Mr. Michaels but that’s alright I can go in another direction.

“Great thanks let’s take a short break for lunch and well start with your new stuff. You know if the entertainment business doesn’t work out you might give politics a go at it.”

“Thanks I’ll keep that in mind but keep that on the down-low.”

There is no known record of George Santos ever auditioning for Saturday Night Live but don’t be surprised if it turns up on his resume in the future.

Humor

Pioneers No More

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We are a far cry from the early pioneers that settled this country.
If any lessons can be learned from the last couple of years is that we as a nation are far removed from the sturdy pioneer stock that settled this country. Thankfully, for the most part, we no longer have to be of that stock. I suppose there is a possibility that we might have to colonize Mars or some other planet in the near future. Heaven help us. I can imagine some of the headlines that would be generated in such an effort.

“Angry women almost kills self when yelling about the tight fit of her space helmet.”
“It was hectic as we were preparing for landing and there was a brief moment I pondered not stopping her when she tried to loosen the seal on her helmet.” Said space flight attendant Fred Granby. “But then I thought about life in prison if I was charged with complicity and just thinking about it was going to give me nightmares.
Still, I did briefly pause when she yelled something about her rights.”
The unfazed man in the neighboring seat calmly stated. “Space travel does not come without risk.”

“Family learns painful lesson.”
The last words of space settler Stanley Simmons were “I am not a sheep and I will not put my helmet on.”
He uttered these words just before he exited the oxygenated confines of New Chicago. Mrs Simmons stated, “Yes it’s tragic but fortunately in this case he always had to be the first out the door. You can bet your Aunt Fanny I and the children made sure we had our helmets on. Sadly he is not around for me to tell him I was right. “

The training and testing for future space pioneers will probably instill a pioneer spirit in them or Darwin will weed them out.

Humor

I Miss Myself

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I miss myself. The pre pandemic and post retired me.
It was a brief moment but I really liked myself that one year.
I had even tossed out my overvalued work ethic that was me just being mean to myself. To be honest it was only overvalued by me but I still don’t understand the concept of quiet quitting.

Currently when I work on something important I still havea bit of my old work ethic. Which is ok, although in my retirement phase I am doing some work for a non profit and I could see myself putting on my cape and being heroic. Fortunately the dry cleaners ruined my last cape. Over working myself for charity is much better than making money for someone else.

I was happy go lucky. That is and of itself is out of character.


Just ask anyone who knows me to describe me and I guarantee “happy” and “lucky” are two words that are never mentioned in their reply unless the phrase “not very” precede them .

If only I had done some traveling that year but I needed to decompress after overworking myself for the greater glory of a strong work ethic for over 30 years. Well I guess since I’ve worked since I was 15 it was really like close to 40 years.

I have now determined that “strong” in this instance meant insane.
I thought I’d start up some traveling right after the decompression was complete but COVID happened and it became political, people started to believe in stupid conspiracy theories and died.

For the most part I can start traveling now but with some restrictions. China is still off the itinerary. Apparently they are still running around like a chicken with its head cut off due to a resurgence of COVID. Incidentally I’m not sure they have ruled out headless chickens as the cause. That is a joke. Please don’t add that to the poison stew that is Q.

Poland is on my list of places to travel to as well as Ireland. They are the countries of my ancestors. Unfortunately that asshat Putin invaded the Ukraine. Since the people of Poland are neighbors they have to be a bit nervous. I don’t know, they may hate the Russians as much or more than the people of Ukraine so maybe its anger they feel. I believe at this moment Ireland is safe enough to visit as long as you don’t bring up religion. Don’t get me started, no really you don’t have to, I’m a self starter.

Either way its not a good time to visit Poland with the a fore mentioned asshat lobbing missiles left and right with no great concern for civilian life. For those of you in sympathy with Putin, WTF is wrong with you. But I digress that is a rant left for another day and my “Old Guy Ranting” series. Which is a fairly large category.

Alas I can only sit in repose and muse about that one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and assHats.

That may be a good name for an angry heavy metal band. COVID and Asshats that is , not “one glorious year of retirement before the world became full of COVID and asshats.” While it does have some cachet it wouldn’t fit on any marque announcing their gig.

As you were….

Humor, Social Media

I Now Pronounce You an Influencer

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Social media has brought us the age of the “influencer”.

Yes there are people who actually list their occupation as social media influencer.

Before they came along the only time I heard the word “influence” it was preceded by the word “bad” and it was used by authority figures when expressing disappointment at my choice of people I hung out with. That of course was when I was a reckless youth. I’ve changed since getting older. Now I’m a reckless adult.

More than 3.4 billion people actively use social media – that’s 45% of the world’s population. That’s a crap ton of people interested in a variety of things from the common to the WTF. Some of the WTFs are that because you never heard of whatever they are interested in pushing and some are WTF because WKD ( what kind of deviant) would be into such a thing.

Social Media loves acronyms. Ive found that, since retirement, my need for acronyms which was satisfied by my profession is now is being satisfied by social media.

Thanks Social media. The previous sentence brought to you by the noun sarcasm. If it sounds like I am saying something positive it’s probably sarcasm.

My research hasn’t been deep. It’s much more fun to make crude remarks and shallow observations based on very little knowledge whatsoever. Isn’t that what social media is all about? The research came to a halt when I discovered the “dead body guy.” 1

This is a man who poses as a dead body in various locations in the few poses that are available to dead bodies. One would think the entertainment factor would grow old after five or six appearances but this guy has done hundreds or so “crime scenes”.

He performs this amazing feat in hopes of influencing television and movie producers who may be looking to cast a dead body.

I laughed for quite a while or at least until I found out that he was successful and just signed on to do an episode of one of the CSI franchises.

I’m not sure which CSI show but it’s too bad CSI Miami is off the air. The look on David Caruso’s face when he whips off his sunglasses seems like a face a person would make when discovering a body that has been there a while. Good luck in your career “Dead Body Guy”.

Humor, Writing

Responding to The Quotes of Known Writers: The Sequel (AKA Yes, I was a class clown)

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I just had so much fun I had to do it again.

Before you ask the answer is yes. Yes, I am a wise-ass and yes I was a class clown. Social media is a great outlet for me.

Here is another look at some quotes on writing by well known writers and my comments in response.

“We’re past the age of heroes and hero kings. … Most of our lives are basically mundane and dull, and it’s up to the writer to find ways to make them interesting.”
—John Updike


“What about writers whose lives are mundane and dull? I need to up my game and cultivate some really bad habits.”
-Dan

“Each writer is born with a repertory company in his head. Shakespeare has perhaps 20 players. … I have 10 or so, and that’s a lot. As you get older, you become more skillful at casting them.”
—Gore Vidal

“I also have a company of players in my head. I’ve lost track of the number but my psychiatrist is keeping a running total.”
-Dan

‘When I sit down to write a book, I do not say to myself, ‘I am going to produce a work of art.’ I write it because there is some lie that I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention, and my initial concern is to get a hearing.”
—George Orwell

“When I sit down to write a book. I say to myself I am going to tell a big lie. It’s a lie because hell I write fiction.”
-Dan

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as he finishes the book.”
-Roald Dahl.

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as he doesn’t find out where I live.”
-Dan

“If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it. Or, if proper usage gets in the way, it may have to go. I can’t allow what we learned in English composition to disrupt the sound and rhythm of the narrative.”
—Elmore Leonard

“I learned nothing in English composition so I have that going for me.”
-Dan

“Write. Rewrite. When not writing or rewriting, read. I know of no shortcuts.”
—Larry L. King

“Write. Rewrite. Read. Hey, how am I supposed to find time to drink?”
-Dan

“Remember: Plot is no more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.”
—Ray Bradbury

“My plots look like a great violent struggle occurred in the snow and then someones dog came by and peed on it.”
-Dan

Humor

Brief thoughts on writing (my reaction to great literary minds)

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Hemingway

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,”

-I’m afraid that one day I will discover the hard way that I am a hemophiliac and write my own ending.

Ursula K. LeGuin

“Writing makes no noise, except groans, and it can be done everywhere, and it is done alone.”

– ….and you can’t get arrested for it, not yet.

Robert Heinlein

“Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.”

-Am I doing it wrong?

Sedaris

“Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.”

-Just leave your stuff at home people. You have too fricking much of it. (I just added “fricking” to my dictionary. It might as well learn it and stop bothering me.)

Franz Kafka

“Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself.”

-I have nothing to add. He lived a tragic life and who am I to pile on.

Henry Miller

“Writing is its own reward.”

-Ok, he had a lot of sex with hot women and it influenced his writing. I have a hard time thinking that he did it solely for the reward of writing. Any hot actresses want to have an affair with me? Really, I am just trying to become a better writer.

Doris Lessing

“I’ve always disliked words like ‘inspiration.’ Writing is probably like a scientist thinking about some scientific problem or an engineer about an engineering problem.”

-Um, no. Sorry Doris, I was an engineer for over thirty years and it’s nothing like writing. Inspiration is definitely appropriate when it comes to writing. Hey I stayed away from the word “fricking”.

Harlan Ellison

“People on the outside think there’s something magical about writing, that you go up in the attic at midnight and cast the bones and come down in the morning with a story, but it isn’t like that. You sit in back of the typewriter and you work, and that’s all there is to it.”

-Now you tell me, what do I do with all the bones in my loft?

Catherine Drinker Bowen

“Writing, I think, is not apart from living. Writing is a kind of double living. The writer experiences everything twice. Once in reality and once in that mirror which waits always before or behind.”

-Um, no. If I were experiencing anything close to what I write about I wouldn’t be writing fiction. I couldn’t write about my life. Living it once is putting me to sleep.

Jules Renard

“Writing is the only way to talk without being interrupted.”

-Well they didn’t have duct tape back then.


Jules Renard (Yea he was prolific when it came to useless thoughts)

“The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.”

-I don’t think there is anything wrong with giving excuses. Is it wrong to say “I won’t be hungry two weeks from now”? Beats the hell out of directly insulting the chef.

Perhaps one day my words will inspire people….to get me committed.

This may become a series, or not. It could go either way.

Humor

Inventing Stupidity (Caution: Good search engine optimization practices are ignored because the author assumes you are smart.)

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The technology we create is driving us towards stupidity.
We have smart phones, smart TVs and smart cars.
We are developing smart products quicker than we kill off brain cells.

I am not sure, there may be a causal relationship between the two. Drinking while using a cell phone probably doubles down on the loss.

The more we don’t have to do for ourselves the more things we can forget and then just plain can’t do anymore.
Do you remember important phone numbers? No of course not because your smart phone does it for you. Just don’t lose it without backing up those numbers because your brain won’t help you out. Without having to use those numbers you might as well make them up and the woman you keep calling Aunt Edna is going to have some some questions for you.

Maybe we need to work on smart humans.
There are many indications that we should have started on that years ago.


What indications are that Dan? (Sorry, it’s a habit I developed during the Covid-19 lock down. Hey at least I’ve stopped answering out loud.)

Some indications are glaringly obvious and others we are not aware of until something is needed like the aforementioned phone numbers.

On to the obvious clue captain.

One obvious indication is the spread of conspiracy theories. Never have so many people believed in outlandish accusations not supported by any facts.

Sure some of the blame falls on the ease in which “alternative facts”spread on the internet but according to experts those that are the most apt to believe in conspiracy theories lack critical thinking skills.

Did they always lack them or did laziness caused by smart technology overcome any critical thinking skills they had.

I believe the contagion factor is also helped along by good SEO (Search Engine Optimization ) practices which dictates that internet articles be short and easy to understand. I use a writing app that analyzes something I’ve written and identifies problems if one wants to appeal to the general population. One of those problems is that the writing is too difficult to read. What is too difficult you might ask? Any writing above a seventh grade level is your answer. That is the education level of the average American adult.

We are not doing anyone a favor by not challenging them to use a dictionary or dictionary App to those who have never heard there is a book for that. Maybe the word dictionary is above a seventh grade level? I for one am purposely not following good SEO practices. This article is considered difficult to read by SEO standards.

Humor

Getting Lost in Nostalgia (aka Why I don’t Listen to Classic Rock Much)

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After falling asleep listen to a classic rock station, I woke up when The Wings “Band On The Run” was playing.
Much to my surprise I was wearing bell bottom jeans and a polyester shirt festooned with Hot Air Balloons. My first thought was “I wonder what year it is?”

I guessed my clothes put me in the early 70’s.
Nineteen seventies that is. You never know, I know a lot of wise asses.

Apparently I had no control of the fashion choices when I awoke from a virtual reality dream.

Did the fact that I was listening to a classic rock song from the seventies condemned me to waking up in any fashion from that year?
It certainly appeared so.

1970s fashion was not considered good. To be honest it stunk. Hundreds of years from now they will look at archive pictures and think we didn’t have the necessary tools to create anything that looked better. The bell bottoms were not a bad fashion choice, the polyester balloon festooned shirt made up for that. It could have been worse , leisure suits were also in vogue at the time. To be honest they never really should have been.

I don’t know why this happens , yes it’s happened more than once. Perhaps I get a bit lost in the nastalgia of the time. Either way its one of the dangers I face when listening to the music of my youth which is why I avoid it when I can. Perhaps Im worried of waking up in a powder blue leisure suit, don’t ask.

It could be that I made too many mistakes in the past, including owning a leisure suit and I don’t need to be reminded of them. That is a possibility but I’m not admitting to anything. Does this sound too fantastic to be believed? Well I’m getting older and closer to making up shit. Perhaps I’m already there.

Humor, personal growth

The “Anti” Culture (Old Guy Ranting Against Old Guys Ranting)

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You have now re-entered Jr High School. Welcome to the anti movement. All of your relationships and “coping” mechanisms have now been replaced by those of 13-17 year olds.

WTH? It’s as if the entire country has regressed to junior high school and playing out the same old juvenile tropes of yesterday.

We’ve become anti science, anti love and anti social period.
It’s like the jocks picking on the geeks and the popular kids are left to decide which side they fall on.

Never have so many people proudly declared they are
anti all good things..

I’m not sure they care what exactly they are against just so long as they are against something positive. Every once in a while they wake up and realize that what they are against are their own interests. That kind of epiphany is rare and often occurs without any witnesses. If no one saw them wake up are they really awake or are they still sleeping?

Wake up? Woke? Anti-Woke. Yes they are now against sudden revelations that point out that people were being asshats, assclowns or some other form of derrière and that it would probably be good to start working on a little self improvement. How dare people wake up to the reality that they have been ass ______(fill-in-the-blank).

The term “woke” is now being uttered derisively to illustrate that they are not part of a movement who gives a crap about whatever the woke folks are giving a crap about. This sounds perfectly understandable. Understandable that is if you are in Jr. High School.


Just make sure you sit with the proper group at lunch time.