Beware of Greeks Baring Yogurt

As a type two diabetic I have to watch my carb intake carefully.
My Father was a type one diabetic for most of his life. My memories of the toll that it took on his body haunts me every time I put food in my mouth. When my ‘go-to’ Yogurt was reformulated, the end result was that the amount of carbs it contained had more than doubled, or had they? A comparison of the nutritional label of the new vs the old formula revealed something different was going on. The label of the new formula was now using 8oz as the serving size. The old label had used 4oz. Needless to say I was a bit upset at myself for thinking I was eating a low carb yogurt in the first place. I guess some part of my mind thought “who eats just four oz of yogurt” when reading the label and it substituted 8oz. Flimsy explanation? Sorry that’s all I got. Needless to say I wasn’t too satisfied either and I went to bed quite cranky. That may explain why I dreamt the following.

The morning sky loomed over Mt Olympus and the rays of the sun shown upon Zeus as he observed the Greek Olympic team working out. Up until now he thought they had an excellent chance to win medals at the first Olympics. Now he was pondering the first Olympic boycott. He was concerned with what he saw and had sent a message to summon Hermes for a discussion.

“You wanted to see me Dad,” said Hermes as he arrived huffing and puffing.

“Yea, like an hour ago,” replied Zeus. “Didn’t I tell you to call me sir in public.”

“Um, Yes Sir. Yea sorry about taking so long but Pheidippides seems to be out of shape these days. Normally he would accompany me back but he’s really gassed today.”

“That seems to be going around,” said Zeus. “Observe carefully as our team practices and tell me what you see.”

“Well at first glance they look fine,” replied Hermes.

“I said observe not glance.” admonished Zeus.

“Sorry sir I will give a sincere look,” said Hermes.

“Well a sincere look is an improvement but far from observing carefully,” said Zeus.

“Sorry again sir I will observe, um..”

“Carefully,” interjected Zeus.

“Yes, That’s it. I will observe carefully,” said Hermes.

“Pay attention Hermes, you’re on shaky ground. I hear Pandora is looking for a gig. You’re just lucky I can’t trust her.”

“Well sir they do seem a bit sluggish.”

“Go on. Anything else?”

“Well the javelin thrower seem to be a tad off sir.”

“You consider an impaling just a tad off?”

“No sir what I meant to say was that his aim was off and now they are carrying Tad off the field. I do hope he pulls through. He’s our best chance at a medal in the pentathlon.”

“So tell me Hermes. Do you have any idea how their performance could drop off so drastically?”

“Outside of the slight, um, complete impaling, I don’t think they’re that bad sir.”

“Oh really. Take a look at our hammer thrower. Does something look odd?”

“I don’t seem to see him sir.”

“Well Hermes do you see that man right there.”

“The one who is lying down and appears to be holding a hammer?”

“Yes, that’s the one. I am not an expert but I am pretty sure that is the hammer thrower and that passing out in mid throw is not proper technique.”

“Yes. I would have to agree with you sir.”

“So as I was saying do you have any idea how they have reached this sorry state?”

“Well sir, not right off the top of my head.”

“Any changes in their regimen or the training table?” asked Zeus.

“Training table sir? I hardly see what the table in the training room has to do with it.”

“That is an expression used in athletics Hermes. It refers to their diet while in training.”

“Oh, right sir. Well now that you mention it the yogurt being served to the team has been recently reformulated.”

“How so Hermes.”

“I don’t know sir”

“Then how do you know it has been reformulated?” asked Zeus.

“Because the yogurt container says so.”

“You didn’t read the nutrition label?”

“Who has time to read Sir,” replied Hermes.

“I suggest you fetch the new yogurt and have a look at the label. We wouldn’t have any of the old yogurt lying around would we?” asked Zeus.

“I just happen to have one of each with me sir.”

“You do? That’s strange,” replied Zeus.

“I love the stuff,” replied Hermes.

“Yes, you do seem to be a bit doughy these days. Hmm, it appears the only real change is that the serving size of the new yogurt is 8oz. Twice as much as that of the old yogurt. It seems it always had quite a bit of carbs.”

“4 oz? Who eats just 4oz at a sitting. That’s not even worth the energy sir.”

“Well Hermes, I am not Hippocrates but I do know a few things about the body and the intake of too much sugar is not good for it. If the impaling was not evidence enough then kindly look at Gluteus Maximus and tell me what you see.”

“His gluteus is really maximized. I believe the youth call it having too much ‘junk in the trunk sir.'”

“So what do you plan on doing about it.”

“Order a larger pair of shorts sir?”

“Pay attention Hermes. What do you plan on doing about the problem as a whole”

“Um, sweeten the plain yogurt with honey sir.”

“Good idea Hermes.”

“I will do so right away sir. Anything else ?”

“Yes. If you come across Pheidippides tell him to switch to the plain yogurt but not before he fetches Pandora for me.”

“Um, Pandora? Ok sir. Will do sir”

A Conspiracy for the Ages

The holidays are soon over. Can another ‘holiday’ come too soon. According to
the valentine related detritus already on display at the store, the answer is no.

Location : The dark basement of a warehouse located somewhere on the east coast of North America.

From separate entrances three men surreptitiously entered said warehouse. Three men who could be considered traitors to their own gender but loyal to one master. A master who can appear in multiple forms and colors and assume many aliases but all answer to the name of’legal tender’.

The three men are strangers to one another. The location of their pre arranged conclave was chosen during the previous year and only revealed to each of them the previous evening.

Each man introduces himself. There was Harry “Salutations “ Brown, Tony “Coco Bean” Burns and William “Don’t Call Me Shrink” Kowalski.

“Coco Bean. Really?” muttered Salutations Brown.

“Well, it used to be Fat Tony but I felt that played on a false stereotype people may have of us in the confection industry,” responded Coco Bean.

“Sounds sensitive enough,” agreed William, ” besides you go maybe 140 soaking wet.”

“So is it business as usual this year gentleman?” asked Coco Bean.

“Well if by usual you mean that both you guys make with the sweet talk generating expectations that cannot possibly be met and then I swoop in to pick up the pieces ,then yes, business as usual,” replied William.

“Yea , I see no reason to change. Why fix something that has been working for over 1700 years,” said Harry.

“I got to hand it to you Harry,“ said Coco Bean. “Your ancestors in business certainly knew how to craft a legend. Everyone loves a romantic martyr. Especially if he comes bearing chocolate and sticky valentines.”*

“You definitely have the poet in you Salutations. Here is to another banner Valentines Day. Long live the cash machine,” said William as he toasted with a glass of champagne.

“Long live the cash machine,” chimed in Coco Bean and Salutations as they raised their glasses”.

“So what fine location is the gathering next year gentleman?” asked Salutations.

“Hey you know the rules. We don’t choose the place. That is up to unknown others to decide” cautioned William.

“Yea, but I bet it will be someplace dark and dank,” replied Salutations.

“You would think the health care industry is in on the grift,”  said Coco Bean.

“Not yet,” replied William. They’ll wakeup, all that sugar has to be creating some new customers for them.”

*Thank you Mr. Costello.

Random Acts of Family

Some families are the Walton’s and some are the Sopranos. My family lies right in the center. We don’t share the same house and say good night to each other but we do not pay a visit to your house to say good night forever.

We are not involved in crime or violence* and are good candidates to be voted family least likely to tune you up.

We are not without our own issues. No we don’t have old disagreements seething below the surface resulting in long periods of incommunicado. We talk to each other quite frequently . The problem is that our conversation does not seem to to get the job done when information needs to be conveyed

One of the most common phrases uttered during our conversations is “no one told me that”. Of course the “no one” being referred to here is any person having come in contact with us.

Given our track record we consider family news from the Kwiki Mart clerk as reliable.

The information lapses that have occurred through the years have ranged from the loss of a favorite relative to “we’re coming to visit after Christmas”. The latter being the most recent incident and directly affected yours truly.

During a visit this past Thanksgiving, a casual conversation with my mom revealed she and my brother would be visiting after Christmas. “Oh, really. No one told me that.” I’m going to have to have a talk with that Kwiki Mart clerk.

A phone conversation with my brother on Thanksgiving day confirmed the rumor was true. “I guess we should ask if it’s ok.” he said.

Well of course it would be ok. To be honest this visit had been expected for sometime. I had hired my wildly talented brother to redo my kitchen over a year ago. Everything went smoothly until the flooring arrived. It resembled what I had ordered in the manner that I resemble Brad Pitt. Not so much.

I requested floor samples to make the right choice and my brother moved on to work jobs that he had lined up. Business was picking up for him and given the state of the economy I was perfectly satisfied with my temporary kitchen flooring of a sheet of plastic and a throw rug. Hey don’t knock it. Cleaning the kitchen floor involves shaking the rug out on the back porch and sweeping the plastic. No fuss, no muss. Too bad I was not still in college to enjoy the full benefits during after party cleanup.

The family visit was to finish up my kitchen. My brother was coming to finish the floor and my mom was going to make sure we didn’t kill each other. Truth be told my mom likes to organize and I don’t. She would be happy. I have plenty of things to organize.

After all was said and done I had a wonderful time with my family and my kitchen looks awesome.

My place had the crap organized out of it and most important of all I feel loved. I want to thank my family for that.

My bathrooms could stand to be remodeled. I’ll have to mention that to the Kwiki Mart clerk.

*Unless you consider the english language a victim of my writing.